To The: Bachelor Edition

Happy Tuesday, kids.

I’m long overdue for a good old “To the” and by golly, there are enough from the first two episodes of that little show called The Bachelor (that I can’t seem to quit watching, no matter how horrible it is) to go around.

What is it with this show? It’s seriously like a fatal car accident — you don’t want to look, but you’ve never seen a dead body before.

Bottom line, these girls are cray cray and I. Love. It. Sit, back, grab a glass of wine, and relax folks. This is gonna be a long one.

To the opening montage on the first episode: We get it: Sean is the perfect, All-American man. He’s family-driven, he’s from the South, he has an amazing body, blond hair and blue eyes. But did you think that showing him cutting strawberries would add to that image? Note: It didn’t.

To the 25 women who signed up to be on the Bachelor: Have you never watched a single season of this show before? Do you honestly, sincerely think it’s going to be different for you?

To the one woman who signed up for this show a SECOND time: Kacie B., you learned the hard way last season. Yet here you are, again. You said last season, “Love like this comes along once in a lifetime.” Well, see, that's interesting, since you’re here…again. My money says you will lose…again.

To the girl who dressed and spoke like she was the Little Mermaid (Ashley H.): You’re also a clone of Princess Jasmine. Pick a freakin’ character. And while you’re at it, learn to speak. I couldn’t understand a GD word out of your mouth; I needed subtitles.

To the girl who fell trying to do a backbend coming out of the limo (Robyn): Sucks to be you, but kudos for not showing your vagine. Also, kudos for being the black girl to ask Sean if he likes black girls. Way to get an automatic rose.

To the girl with one arm (Sarah): We get it. You have one arm. I think you seem like a semi-normal girl, though your voice is a bit whiney, but I do wish the producers would let you talk about something else. Also, you said you are falling in love with Sean. You have been on one date.

To the model, Kristy: Are you a model? You’ve never said before.

To the other model, Amanda: I can’t tell if you’ll be around long enough to be the next “Courtney,” but I hope so. You seem like one nasty bitch.

To the girl who cried on the first night because she is not used to competing for a man and she's usually the one who’s approached (Taryn): I’m rolling my eyes so far back in my head, I look like the little girl on Poltergeist. Go cry to someone who cares, and who is not also competing against 25 other women. Again, I ask, have you ever seen this show? YOU’RE ON THE BACHELOR. Do something.

To “Fifty Shades of” Ashley P.: No one wants to tie you up with, let alone wear or touch, a neck tie that’s been stuffed down your cleavage and is likely wet with boob sweat, champagne and later, your tears.

To the girl who did not wear shoes the first night (Katie): Again: have you ever watched this show? Nasty shit goes down in this mansion, wear shoes at all times! No shirt, no shoes, no…well, I guess that doesn’t really apply here. Also, you need some frizz control tips from Kacie B.

To the final four: I haven’t read any spoilers this season, but I’m calling you now as Desiree, Lindsay, Catherine and Lesley.

To the helicopter: You are so last season.

Thoughts so far on this season? Who do you think makes the final four?

 

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