Showing posts with label Bachelor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bachelor. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 11, 2017 / 0 comments /

Janet Jackson Revival + Tales from Jade + Tanner's Wedding

It's a new year, which can only mean one thing—more blogs from me. And not just any blogs—Bachelor blogs! I have no idea why everyone loves my Bachelor recaps so much, but it makes me feel wanted, so I'm rollin' with it.

Let me start with my thoughts about Nick Viall as The Bachelor. I, like the rest of America (and the man himself), was ready to see Luke as The Bachelor. But now that Nick is here, I have to say...I don't hate it. He's managed to not only make himself much more physically attractive over the years, but he kind of redeemed himself for me on Bachelor in Paradise. That said, I feel like this particular relationship has was too much pressure on it to succeed, but who knows.

We're in Week 2, after meeting the ladies last week. At first, I felt like the group was mediocre, but then we got to meet Corrine. And Liz. And a dolphin shark. And a chick with balls. And That's So Raven. And Taylor, the mental health counselor hired by ABC to pose as a contestant.

And then I realized that I was wrong. So wrong. This is the most powerful group of ladies we've seen (we know Nick likes a strong woman), which is a recipe for disaster, which is a recipe for amazing TV.

Week 2 opens with the girls drinking mimosas in their rompers, talking about how hot Nick is, when Chris Harrison waltzes in for one of his 10 appearances all season to advise the girls to "make the most of their time with Nick" (aka be a super catty bitch and take no prisoners), and deliver the first date card. The first group date is Corinne, Haley, the dolphin-shark, Sarah, Vanessa, Brittany, Lacey, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor, and Elizabeth. We're still at the point where I usually don't really know one of these bitches from the next, but this group is the power pack. In other words, the winner and probably top 3 are all in this group, so I had high hopes for this date.

I was not disappointed.



The girls find 4 sober girls to drive everyone to their "Always a Bridesmaid" date, which provokes several of the girls to admit that they've never been a bridesmaid before. Well, you're 23, so not only should you not have yet been a bridesmaid, you should absolutely NOT be a bride.

A v classy/weird porn star/photographer star named Franco someone handed out different dresses to the girls with the direction that they would take wedding photos with Nick...80s bride...shotgun bride...beach bride, etc. The "winner" would be chosen by Franco. Prize TBD.

Corrine is upset that she has to wear only a bikini top instead of just being allowed to wear a leaf, like Brittany, while Alexis is shocked to learn that a shotgun wedding does not mean posing sexy with guns.



Corrine is comin' in hot as America's Top Villain, I can tell you that. I can't tell yet if I love her, or I hate her. I mean, obvi we hate her because she's a bit too aggressive, while also being beautiful and a millionaire...but we also have to love her because A) she's hammered 24/7 B) she's so drama and makes great TV.  I think Nick is into her not because she's hot and begs him to hold her "bare bosom," but because she's like him. She doesn't give AF about anyone except herself and the end game. Again, great for us—not so much if you're a girl on this season.

I digress. The girls all take their photos with Nick, including, but not limited to Nick pretending to deliver Alexis' baby and seeing Nick's leaf-colored penis. And yes, Corrine not standing for the fact that Brittany looks hot in just a leaf, and taking off her top and insisting Nick "pull a Janet Jackson."

“No one has ever held my boobs the way Nick has held my boobs.” {crickets}


Franco Porn Star says Corinne wins the date (criteria for winning unknown), and from what I can tell the only prize is riding off in a car? Hmmm. Everyone meets back up for the "Ooh, can I steal you?" time, and this is where things get good. 

First of all, can one of these times someone just say, "NO! You can't 'steal' him and you can't fucking 'borrow' him either!" Seriously. The girls are ticked because Corinne talks to Nick at a minimum, three times. Like I said, she doesn't give AF, but as expected, the other girls are PISSED. Mostly Taylor, our undercover mental health expert. After some nonsense conversation between those two about if everyone is OK (alert: they're both OK), Corrine gets the rose and the girls all wonder if Nick actually is as big of an asshole as the world thinks he is.


Back at the house, while Corrine recounts Nick touching her bare breasts, Liz is creepily cutting fruit while some chick is sleeping/passed out behind her, talking something about how she's had sex with Nick. Wait, Liz has had sex with Nick? At Jade and Tanner's wedding? How did I miss that? JUST KIDDING YOU'VE ONLY MENTIONED BOTH ABOUT 12,398,734 TIMES. 

I do feel KINDA bad for Liz because I have to imagine that the edit she's getting is purposefully ONLY showing her talking about fucking Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. But only KINDA cuz I think I'm on Nick's side in that if she was interested in him, there were other ways to show him that than coming on a TV show. #justsayin

OK, so Danielle M. (who?) gets the first one-on-one, which honestly was pretty boring? Aside from her story about waking about next to her dead fiance, which sounds like pretty much the worst fucking thing that could ever happen to someone, there was nothing notable here. I think she'll probably go far-ish but not to the top 4. We may see her (and Liz and Corrine and Alexis) in Paradise, though!

Group date #2 is with the B team, Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz. Their date is going to a museum of broken relationships (yes, that's a real place), where they have to act out a breakup in front of a group of people. Kill me now.


The girls breakup reasons range from "you're an alcoholic" to "you called me fat" to a slap in the face to the best breakup ever...a 3-minute dialog from Liz, where she tells the whole group what happened and I've never seen Nick more furious. Honestly though...how awkward?

Post-date cocktail hour and again...boring. Until Christen throws Liz under the bus and lets Nick know that she knows that Liz knows that she and Nick fucked. Nick asks for the details, because you know, he was blacked out and doesn't remember. When he asks Liz about the whole thing, she basically shot herself in the foot and couldn't give any good reason why she chose to come on national TV to get Nick when she could've just asked her bestie Jade for Nick's number. You got a point there, Nick. Nick send Liz home.

that about does it, kids. I'm feeling good about this season. I think the girls are feisty, strong and cutthroat so hopefully the show delivers.

My guesses right now:

1. Corinne
2. Danielle L.
3. Rachel
4. Taylor
5. Vanessa

I think Danielle L. is amazing and has a good shot at winning the thing.

Thoughts? Reactions? Happy watching!
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Monday, March 03, 2014 / 1 comments /

Women Tell All: Bachelor Recap

So...only a few thoughts on tonight's Women Tell All.

First things first: I love Catherine's new bangs. I don't love that we keep hearing about how she GOT banged. I hope these two leave the limelight sometime soon. (And until then, I'll continue shamelessly stalking them on Instagram.)

Was anyone else watching the segment with the Muppets thinking, "Deees esss not OK"? Seriously though: What.the.fuck. was that? With every one of these episodes it becomes so much more clear that JP's only intention in coming on this show was to "act." Why else would he star in a new M&Ms promotion every week, or in this insanely creepy Muppets preview? Then again, this is not the first time the muppets and ABC/The Bachelor have teamed up, so, I guess anything is possible.

Next, the women get into bashing Juan Pablo. In case you missed it, basically the girls all talk about how hot Wapolo is, but ultimately, they were all in agreement with what Andi said last week: JP was not interested in them. They took it a step further to say that he used his daughter as an excuse for his behavior, covered his being an asshole by saying he was being honest, and that he didn't play fair and likely didn't come there looking for a wife. So...what everyone has been tweeting, or if you're me, blogging about all season.


Sharleen, Renee and Andi all get in the hot seat and quite frankly, I was bored to tears with all of them. No one says anything new. Not even Renee, who I found out today is engaged! Told you she'd be OK.
I did think that Chris Harrison made an obvious revelation that Andi is the next Bachelorette by asking if she was single, open to find love and asking if she thought this process could work. Coy was never your strong suit, Chris Harrison.

Next our friend JuannyP gets the hot seat. Another interesting change to this season's setup? They didn't have JP do one-on-one's in the hot seat with any of his dearly departed. Probably because ABC knew that all these bitches would rip JP to shreds and that more than likely, JuanPablo wouldn't understand any of it.


So how did he spend his time? Making fun of the girls for making fun of him for being an idiot. He continued to laughingly tell them, "eees OK" and think it was cute. Kelly (love her) told him that he offended her for his homophobic comments earlier this year - they cut the part where she says it's because she was raised by two gay men. He told her that he wasn't going to "waste" four minutes talking about it but that he'd talk to her about it for a whole hour after the show. Finally, some one-on-one time!

He also says he doesn't understand why he shouldn't have met Renee's son because he introduces Camila to "everyone" as his friend. So, just so we are all on the same page: Juan Pablo wouldn't kiss girls on the show because he has a daughter and he doesn't want her to think badly of him, but he doesn't think twice about introducing her to all his lady friends and compounding that with lying to her about their relationship. In addition, he let Cassandra go because she was a mom and felt it was unfair to keep her around for that, and yet doesn't see the problem with going on a hometown with Renee, meeting her son and then letting her go.

And because it was too perfect not to include, ABC concludes the episode with Juan Pablo talking about his little package.

Until next week. Oh, the tears!

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Tuesday, February 25, 2014 / 4 comments /

"Eeeesss OK." - Bachelor Recap

Oh man. Where to begin? I have so much to say and yet don't really want to say anything at all because...what is there to say? Other than the obvious, which is that this is THE WORST BACHELOR IN BACHELOR HISTORY and that is the only time that phrase will ever be true.

I mean, I think it's very telling that this creep has had not one but TWO women take themselves out of the running because they basically couldn't stand the guy.

Let's start with the hometowns. I think it's important that you know three things after Nikki's hometown date: the first is that Oklahoma Joe's is legit. The second is that I have ridden the same bull that they showed on the date. The third is that every time Nikki wondered aloud why she didn't tell JP that she loves him, I wanted to scream BECAUSE YOU DON'T!

Loved Andi's family. Hy kept it real and called Wapalo out for being a douche and her sister's name was Rachel. Wins all around.

Clare's family is cray cray. Where did she get her looks? Why have they not shared the fact that Clare comes from a family that speaks Spanish? Which one was Clare's mom?

Ultimately, he sent Renee home, which upset America by the looks of Twitter. She's one of those people though that we don't have to worry about, though. She's gorgeous, she's sweet - she even played Mom to Juan Pablo when they were saying goodbye. For those who want her to be the next Bachelorette, I'm with you, but something tells me that ABC won't do two single parents back to back.

Tonight's episode was all about the fantasy suites and a whole lotta drama. Clare gets the first overnight date and of course, spends her time talking about how she doesn't know if she should spend the night with JP. Why do girls on this show try to front that they aren't going to spend the night in the fantasy suite? Of course you are. Especially when you've had already had sex.

Ugh, Clare. Why does she pause for 5 seconds in between each word of  sentence? Why the duck face after every word? The scene where Clare told Wapalo that she "Loved falling in love"? I had a VISCERAL reaction. I literally scared my dog because I shuddered so much. Every second, from the baby voice to the long dramatic pauses to Juan Pablo rubbing her ear and her nose and her cheek...I couldn't. I didn't.

Andi's over night comes next and before dinner I think we witnessed  the first conversation of the season. Until Wapalo says "Andi could be the one because I like the way she is." Well since you put it that way...

JP is the worst. The literal worst. All he ever says is that he "likes that a lot." Or that someone "ees so cute." Also how many times do you think Juan Pablo has said pointed out,"You're thinking a lot today"? Anyway. Andi wakes up from this nightmare of a season and basically says what everyone has been thinking all season: Juan Pablo is a narcissistic asshole. We'll come back to that.

Nikki's date. What the fuck is she wearing, first of all? You know what, skip that, and let's just go to the part where Juan Pablo says that Nikki could be his wife because she's "honest, she's very pretty, sexy and cares about people and I like that a lot." Should make for a great long-term relationship.

Let's get to the good stuff. So many thoughts on the Andi situation and my fingers can't type quickly enough. It can be summed up as this: I LOVE ANDI.

Andi goes to talk to Juan Pablo and he basically he tells her that it's totally fine that she doesn't like him, doesn't think he cares about her and wants to go home. Which pisses her off. Juan Pablo blames his poor English again as he tells Andi that "eees OK" doesn't really mean "eees OK," but really... "eees OK." What?

To which she said the greatest line of this season which was, "I want to die if I hear 'eees OK,' again." You and the rest of America.

Juan Pablo is a straight up asshole. The fact that in his interview he said that he would have told her to go home anyway for causing an argument -- after she just tried to have a normal conversation -- is a HUGE red flag. Basically, he doesn't want any conversation, which is why he just kisses people and doesn't let them talk. Too much opportunity for things NOT TO BE OKAY.

"He doesn't get it," she says as she drives away. Have I mentioned I love Andi?

Not gonna lie--I saw a spoiler on social media and I know who wins and what happens, so I won't spoil it for the rest of you. I will just say that I have been right about more than one thing in my predictions. And that I can't wait for the Women Tell All. Also...Andi for Bachelorette?

Mainly because this, which is actually from Sharleen.
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Monday, February 17, 2014 / 4 comments /

We're in Miami, Bitch - Bachelor Recap

The ladies are excited this week - they're in Miami, bitch! The episode begins with JP being SO EXCITED to see his darling Camila. Anyone else want to tell her not to kiss Daddy on the mouth?

The girls ponder who will get the one-on-one and we get a bit of foreshadowing as we see Sir Sharleen question whether or not she's doing the right thing by hanging around. (Ahem I called this conundrum in my first recap.) She is most definitely the least interested girl in Bachelor history. It's kind of awesome, but boring at the same time. JP hands her the date card and for some reason she is more confused about that than anything else. And even though she has 10 minutes to get ready for the date, it's plenty of time to stare out at the ocean and wonder if she and JP have a  "cerebral connection."

Why isn't anyone telling Sharleen that's NORMAL to not know if you want to marry a guy you've been out with three times?! I also want to say Sharleen is gorgeous, manly and awkward as she is.

The girls don't get why Sharleen is there, Sharleen doesn't get why Sharleen is there. At least we're all on the same page? JP gets why Sharleen is there and that is so he can make out with her forehead and flick his tongue into her mouth for hours on end. Sharleen also doesn't get why she can't stop kissing JuPa and me thinks it's because if they didn't, she'd have to have a conversation with him.
Because you see, as she has told us several times, Sharleen's "type" is intellectual men. Let's all remember that JP is confused by the word "bolt." But, luckily for Sharleen, JuPa is attracted to the "words that Sharleen use, how you speak. So proper."

I hate to tell you Sharleen, but if you're looking for a "mental connection," or "cerebral connection" or something "organic " or any other formal adjective that doesn't apply to love, you're not going to find it with JP. The guy is dumb, and doesn't speak or understand english, so if anything, the only mental connection you're gonna get is him driving you insane.

Sharleen even says that she wishes she was "dumber so that she could be like DUH..." and JP doesn't care at all. Clearly it doesn't matter what these girls say to Juan Pablo, his response is always a laugh, "ooh I like that" or "Jes" and a head nod and a tuck of their hair.
Of course, Sir needs to talk to someone and who better than the house therapist? Poor Renee. She should charge the girls for their therapy sessions. C'mon - she left her kid at home for a reason, and yet she's still playing mom to all these fools. Bless her heart.

Nikki get the next one-on-one date and hopes she doesn't have to dance again, but SURPRISE. Newsflash ladies, if you're on the Bachelor, you're automatically a dancing monkey, so you lose. Nikki finds out that while SHE doesn't have to dance, she's going to see--and meet--Camila and the rest of JP's family at Camila's dance recital. And while she's not panicked, she is nervous. Most likely because she's not wearing a bra. Sidenote: That is the saddest bunch of flowers I've ever seen.

Camila couldn't care less about Nikki, who looks so insanely uncomfortable meeting JuPa's family and interacting with Camila. Isn't she a pediatric nurse? Also, how hot is JP's ex-wife?

Afterward, Nikki and JP go to his "office" at Marlin stadium and Nikki's choice of outfit is a little questionable for "work." 
Seriously though, I felt like she was REAL close to showing a boob and she definitely showed her vagine.Also, why was there so much sweat and heavy breathing?
Nikki wants to know where she fits in to JP's life and he responds, "If the moon and the skies and everyone wants us to be together, then obviously that's how it is." Yes, that explains everything. JuPa likes Nikki because "She's thinking and I like that." Ay.

So Nikki -- I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he picks her. If she's the only one who met his daughter, that says something, and the rest of the show is just editing.

Sharleen tells the girls that she's leaving and no one seems surprised. I like Sharleen for the first time in this moment, because I feel like she's genuinely conflicted and sad. It's the most relatable she's been all season.
(Side note: I love that Renee is always having a glass of wine or a beer. I knew I liked her.)

In a fury of whispers and subtitles, Sharleen tells JuPa that she doesn't feel like she'd be ready to get engaged in 3 weeks time. As much as I didn't like her, I felt like I wanted him to say "you don't have to be! We don't have to get engaged!" That's what pisses me off about this show the most. Why is it an engagement or nothing? Can't you just let people find someone that they like a whole lot and let them just see what happens? I suppose not cuz then how would Neil Lane have any business, amIright?

JuPa seems totally OK while Sharleen is saying goodbye, but immediately breaks down in tears on the balcony as Sir walks away with the worst hungry butt in Bachelor History.
Group date time, and we see the closest thing to a helicopter that we've seen all season with a water plane. Chelsea spends time reading letters from home and I feel bad for her because it's so obviously going to be her that goes home.You can totally tell that Clare thinks she's getting the rose because that would mean it's a "sure thing." And because I can't stand her, it gave me great pleasure to see her  not get it, and to give it to my girl Andi.
Clare's pissed and complains that all she's been doing is watching JuaPa go on dates with other women. Um, you had sex with him in the ocean, so that's what you get for being a whore. On that note, JP has officially "swam in the ocean" with three of the five remaining women. Isn't anyone going to slut-shame him?

Clare and the others get back to the hotel and Clare is fixin' to get into a fight, and so she attacks Nikki for no real reason. Basically these two try to act like a badasses by telling each other not to interrupt and spending more time fighting about who paid for their suite than anything else. So, basically, worst fight ever.
Except when Nikki says that Clare's like a dog and that she peed on him first. And how has it not come up that Nikki met Juan Pablo's family?

The longer this episode goes on and we see all the girls talking about how they hope Nikki doesn't get to the end makes me feel more and more that she's the one JuPa chooses. And with how much Nikki is talking about how she doesn't have to around Clare much longer makes me think it's definitely these two in the final two. And that just makes me annoyed because I like the two of them less than I like Renee and Andi.

Rose ceremony time and after the most awkward silencio ever, JuPa tells Mr. Chris that he's going to" try and think." You do that, JP.

So next week looks interesting. I'm dying to know what went "Horribly Wrong" in the fantasy suite with Andi, and why everyone is crying. Does JuPa finally tell the girls he doesn't want to get engaged at the end of this?
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Tuesday, February 11, 2014 / 5 comments /

This Week On: No One Likes Juan Pablo

Guys, I can't with this show anymore. I am about two disgusting make-out sessions from just reading Reality Steve and calling it a day.

I've been on my death bed since last Thursday and had to miss work yesterday. I was so stir-crazy by the time that 7pm rolled around, I was actually EXCITED to have something to do, like be entertained by the twits on The Bachelor and live blog. But after hearing JP refer to more than one of this chicks as his "special ones" and I was like:


So I shut my Blogger down and actually did work. Did you hear that? I WORKED instead of live blogging because that seemed like a better option than spending time thinking about these twats. So, of course this morning I took to Twitter to see what everyone else was saying and I've complied my favorites to share my thoughts on this week's episode. They're on point.

First up, we arrive in New Zealand and everyone's talking about how excited they are... 

Andi gets a one-on-one. PS I loved her one piece. She rocked it and I don't care what anyone says about that.
Group date: Everyone except Clare and Andi go on the group date. A pretty cool one, too. One that involved huge balls and sheep poop. And the rest of night, we see JP gross kisses EVERYONE. And he sends Cassandra home. ON HER BIRTHDAY!
Sir Sharleen gets the rose. Clare's one-on-one: 
Chris Harrison finally shows up for some man to man time. 
Rose ceremony time and Kat goes home. Womp womp. 

That does it for me kids. I"m not sure what Chelsea is doing here, seems to me he has much more of a connection with the other 4, so methinks my top 4 still stands with Clare, Nikki, Andi and Renee. Still pulling for Andi/Renee over the other two.

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Wednesday, February 05, 2014 / 3 comments /

Sex in the Ocean

Ugh. I can't even with this show anymore. Warning: This recap is not going to be funny or long because A) I'm in a bad mood and B) This show is so dumb.

Juan-on-Juan with Renee: I love Renee, but this date was boring. But boring in a good way, because I think Renee continues to be honest and real and no drama -- therefore, I can't make fun of her.

Group date: Everyone hates Clare, and I am in their camp. JP makes out with Clare on the boat in front of everyone, which causes everyone to feel like they are extras on Clare's one-on-one date. They "stop by" a house for dinner. Right ladies, (ahem, Chelsie), I'm so sure that JP just happened to stop and ask some random dude where you call could eat and he just invited you in and had a huge farm and space for 10 women. Cassandra even exclaimed, “We should have these in America!” "These" meaning FARM.

Is anyone else flabbergasted by Sir Sharleen's body? It's kind of amazing, yet she is not. Here's what bothers me about her: She plays passive aggressive and innocent...'plays' being the operative word.When JP tells her she's cute and she's all, "Is that a good thing?" Le duh.

Continue to love Andi, especially when she says, "Next thing you know, sucking face again, sorry Mom."

Clare and the ocean....just so we're clear, they definitely had sex, right? I mean, maybe I'm taking her asinine comments out of context, but...they had sex. They had to... right?

Next up: Nikki's Juan-on-Juan. He takes the girl repelling. Ya'll, I have DONE repelling and you know I am scared of heights. I LEGIT cried the whole time I came down, so again...no criticism from me. Except when the producers ask leading questions about if this adventure feels like love. Continue to like her and am certain she makes it far in this process.

Rose ceremony time, where Clare gave a toast “to finding love, being loved, and making love,” and JP pulls her aside and says, “I hope nobody knows. It was a little weird for me. I’m too fair with people … Maybe it wasn’t right. I have a daughter, I don’t want her to see what happens, if she sees it.” THEY DEFINITELY DID IT.

So, just so we're clear: Juan won't kiss more than 6 women because he doesn't want his daughter to think poorly of him, but he's totally cool with hooking up in the ocean? Got it.

Side story about Clare: My friend lives in and L.A. and her dad goes to the same gym as Clare. Apparently, she had been gone for a long time, and just recently came back 10 lbs heavier. She told her trainer she had to lose the weight fast for an important event in a few weeks. So...not giving anything about, but the fact that she was gone so long indicates that she makes it really far, maybe even to the final 2, and she needs to be in shape for the ATFR or the girls reunion. I hope it's the latter....I really dislike her.

However, it was totes inapprops for JP to basically slut-shame Clare at the rose ceremony. Telling her that he regrets it, hinting that it wasn't mutual, and that she is a bad influence on his daughter? If I were Clare, I would have given the rose back and left right there. At least JP realizes his mistake. #Sarcasm
And now, in a totally predictable turn of events, it looks like by next week, everyone will know what happened, and instead of hating JP, the real asshat in the situation, they'll all hate Clare.

Danielle finally goes home, and sadly, so does Kelly, and suddenly only 8 women are left. Making my hometown predictions:

1. Clare
2. Nikki
3. Andi
4. Renee/Sharleen

Be back tomorrow!

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Tuesday, January 28, 2014 / 1 comments /

Juan-gham Style: Bachelor Recap Week 4

I can't take credit for that title. Someone at ABC actually has a sense of humor and I heard this on a voiceover with regard to the fact that this week, the girls and their man are headed to Seoul, South Korea.

And that's where we begin this week. Finally, we're getting to the good stuff: 'Catty' Shack baby.

Group date number one entails back-up dancing for an apparently popular K-pop group, 2NE1. (Not to be confused with 21.) The only one who's happy about this is Kat and Cassandra, since you know, they both "dance." (Could've fooled me.) Everyone sucks it up, including Nikki, who is the most upset about dancing and being on the group date in general, and then they all talk shit about Kat trying to steal the show. Wouldn't have guessed the girls to turn on Kat so early in the game but methinks its because they're jealous. (Isn't everything because they're ALL F*ing JEALOUS?)


Elise seems to always have a lot to say about the other women and their abilities as a mother. Chick is 26 and just because she's a teacher doesn't mean that she'd be any better. It doesn't matter though, because she brings up house drama on her one-on-one and, everybody say it together: "You're going home."

Nikki steals JP away for some alone time and they make out. From the looks of it and recalling last week's horrible kissing, JP might be the culprit. He does this little flick of his tongue before he goes in and it makes me want to vom. (He did it with everyone in this episode.)

Sir Sharleen gets a juan-on-juan date this week, and it's the classic "let's see the city" date where the girl (or guy) always likens the date to being on vacation together. Although I'm not a fan of Sharleen, I do give the girl props for being honest in that she needs to see more from JP to see if she's interested. It's close to the most normal response I've ever seen on the show. They go to a market, a tea house and some weird building where JP wants her to sing some opera, to which she responds:

"I don't want the early stages of any relationship to have anything to do with the fact that I'm an opera singer."

What? What in the hell does you being an opera singer have to do with a guy liking you? That's like Jen Aniston saying she doesn't want a guy to know she's Jen Aniston before she goes out with him. In any case, she sings and she's good, and then they do more awkward making out/tongue flicking/mouth grabbing and I hit fast-forward. I will say, JP talks more to her than anyone else. Everyone else, I feel like he's doing the asking or he's just awkwardly looking at them and no one is saying anything important, so I like the fact that they have real conversations. I just don't like her.

via

Group date #2, and these ladies are getting 'krazy'...by singing karaoke in a weird little dollhouse, drinking lemonade out of IV bags and peddling little boats around going nowhere fast. And then they get their feet eaten by fish and I want to throw up because EW.

Clare declares that eating octopus is the "epitome of her fears." Oh honey. I like Kelly the Dog Lover so much this week for calling out both Clare's dramatics and the fact that she's most definitely had "larger things" in her mouth before, but couldn't swallow a small little tentacle. C'mon now.

At the cocktail, JP and Andi/Renee have good talks, which makes me happy, because they're my faves. Some girl named Lauren, whom we've never seen before, attempts to dance with and kiss JP, who denies her, and sends the poor girl into a downward spiral. (She's clearly also going home.) And there's Clare.

"Oh my god. I ate octopus. Do you wanna know what happened? I threw up in my mouth but I swallowed it." OMG YAY Clare! You just made me ME throw up in MY mouth! I do not like her. I don't like how she takes so long to finish a sentence. I don't like how she asked, in the middle of a kiss, if she had chocolate breath. I don't like her little girl voice. DON'T LIKE HER.

Rose ceremony time and bitches be cray. Everyone hates Nikki, which I don't get. I like her, what am I missing?

As predicted, Elise and Lauren are sent home. No surprises here, except that Danielle is still around, because we haven't seen her speak more than twice so far.

Andi, Renee, Nikki and dare I say, Kelly, are my faves now. What about you?
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Thursday, January 23, 2014 / 0 comments /

Do you Assept This Rose: Bachelor Recap Tres

Considering I haven't written about anything but the Bachelor for the past two weeks, you might not be surprised to know that this blog is a STILL a Bachelor recap -- just like, a week late.

For work, I had to cover an all-night party hosted by Red Bull that started at 8pm on Sunday and lasted until 2pm Monday. (No lie.) Said party involved a Ball Pit Room, a Pillow Fight Room, a Candy Room and a foam party in a hot tub in the middle of a club. It was the weirdest event ever, and I'm slight traumatized about things I saw, so that's as far as I'll share with you. If you have individual questions, email me.

Back to the Bachelor recap. I'll keep it brief today, as I watched it last night and was doing other household things and not live DVR blogging, so here's some quick thoughts on some of the ladies left standing and an updated top 10.

Cassandra: Mentioned no less than 4 times that this was her first date in three years. WE GET IT - you got knocked up when you were 18 (by a professional basketball player) and have been raising a child/milking your rich baby daddy this whole time, but now he's cut you off and here you are, living the life you've always imagined. #sarcasm


I totally get that JP is into the women who have children, but I feel like ANYONE who is a single parent trying to be in a relationship, there needs to be more in common than just having a kid. On this date, I felt as though the kids were the only thing they talked about. In other words...I was bored.

Sir Sharleen: Aka the opera singer. So many things. The fact that she got nailed in the face by the soccer bowl so many times. The fact that we DEFINITELY her very first kiss ever in the middle of the soccer field and it was the most disgusting and awkward kiss ever in the history of anything. And the fact that I called it in my first blog when I said she was going to be the one who questioned whether or not she was made for reality TV. Here's the truth, girl: You're Not.


Andi: Still one of my faves, but when she pulls the "Things got serious for me" card, I lost a little bit of love for. TOO EARLY, ANDI. Keep it real and you'll go far. (Especially since you got naked on national television.) Keep it real she did when she hopped over a counter IN A DRESS and ate day-old hot dogs in the snackbar.

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Clare: Still don't like her. Could do without her mental breakdown. Am so completely annoyed by her and every other woman on this show who gets jealous because they have to share their boyfriend and watch him kiss other women all the time. GET IT TOGETHER, BITCHES. You are embarrassing.

Chelsie: Ah, the token [insert adventure here] is like falling in love because TRUST! Chelsie lost me with her horrific dancing in the car, and I also vomited while I listened to JP "sing" a song in Spanish. He doesn't really know English, get given that performance, it would seem he doesn't really know Spanish, either... Anyway, Chelsie basically took 10 hours to jump off a ledge and I can't even get mad at her, since I'm terrified of heights, too. What I can make fun of is all the "words of encouragement" that JP gave her while trying to coax her off the ledge. Best game of "That's what she said" ever.

“Relax, go back a little, do it for me, how do you feel, if you don’t want to do it it’s okay, if you can’t it’s okay.”

Renee: Still another favorite, even though she had to play mom AGAIN this week at least three times. I wish she'd spend more time showing JP how normal she is and less time playing "Hey,Ma!"

Kat: Somehow became the target of all the girls' fury this week because she was the only one with enough boobs balls to jump on JP's shoulder for a Chicken Fight. Still like her, still think she'll go far.

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In the end, Christy and the homeless girl (Lucy) are sent home, which leaves 13-ish ladies, three of whom you already know are going home next week because we have yet to ever see them interact with JP.

Next week's picks to go home: Lauren S., Kelly, Danielle

Which leave the top 10 as:

Sharleen
Renee
Nikki
Kat
Elise
Clare
Chelsie
Cassandra
Andi
Alli

Which means I was right about all of the top 10 except Elise and Cassandra (I had Christy and Lucy).

See you next time (maybe sooner than Monday, but let's not get crazy.)!


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Tuesday, January 14, 2014 / 2 comments /

The Hymen Maneuver

Well, I have to say, this episode was JUAN-derful. To sum it up in case you missed it, Clare and Kat both had terribly boring, hard-to-watch one-on-one dates, one girl got super hammered and had the world's best freudian slip (see blog title) and there was a group date featuring a naked chicks, puppies and a guy with a blue beard.

This is real life.

AND Chris Harrison was nary to be found. Maybe he was upset because the producers used all his cocaine to stage a fake winter for Clare and JP?


Speaking of, I found Clare's one-on-one date so hard to watch, for 1,001 reasons. You know it's going downhill fast when the girl mentions her future husband before even stepping foot out the door. That, coupled with literally everything else about this date. The blindfold out the gate? Slow dancing in bikinis? Clare dancing with her eyes closed like a 7th grader? Groping each other's asses, this time like 6th graders? JP's extremely short swim trunks? Saying that this date "stirred" something inside her (yuck.)? Saying Juan Pablo tasted like snow? The only thing not horrible about this date was Josh Krajick. As you know, I"m a reality TV junkie and he was my fave a couple of years ago. Clare seems nice enough but I'm not into her. She's of the Tenley and Ashlee Frazier variety and that just ain't my cup of tea. I need a little biotch in my life.

Kat. Apparently she and I have 26 mutual friends in common on Facebook. I can't quite figure out the connection, but I think she must have gone to the University of Iowa. For that reason alone, I automatically like her better than Clare.


So...I have mixed feelings about this date. Private jet? Awesome. The concept of an electric run? Not terrible. But a 5K run (dance?) on a first date, getting all sweaty and gross? Fuck that. I give Kat credit, she seemed to be a good sport about it, but then again, what are her other options? They don't show any other parts of the date, which was weird, but she gets a rose, no surprises there.

Photo Credit: IBT.com

Next up, the group date. Let's talk about Kelly the "Dog Lover," who is good at eating cheese. No wait, let's not, because she is terrible. Seriously though, WTF is going on with these outfits?


Quote of the date "Being naked is not my comfort zone." You and me both, sister. Honestly though, I think I'd rather be naked than dressed like the giraffe/spotted alien like Dog Lover. Seriously though, forcing girls to get nude for a photoshoot? Not cool. Also not cool? Lucy nude-walking a dog. I maintain that she likes being naked because she's homeless and doesn't own clothes. Think about it: She didn't wear shoes on the first episode, and she noted that she borrowed shoes for this one. I'm onto something here. In the end, Andi and Lucy strip down with JP and successfully produce the most awkward looking photo ever. That is not a view of anyone, hot or not, that you want to see.


Photo Cred: Juan Pablo

On to the "party," where someone is bound to get drunk and act like an asshole. I know this because of previews. Cassandra admits that she has a son. Anyone else notice when someone tells JP they have a kid, he gets like, an immediate hard on? Speaking of women with kids, Renee? Growing on me. I think JP digs her, too. She's not fake, she's older and she doesn't try too hard.

Oh. my. god: Victoria. I want what she's having. I'd put money on the fact that she is most likely the most embarrassed person in America right now, and if I were her, I'd be getting equally as wasted watching this episode so as to ease the pain. At least they cut the part they showed on previews where she said she wanted JP to die. My favorite one-liners:

  • "Jus want me some Hone Pablo time. All the time."
  • "If Hone Pablo just so happens to be mine, I'm gonna straddle him. Every day. Cuz that's what life is about. Straddling people...and things."
  • "I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch."

And of course, when she not once, but TWICE referenced "the hymen maneuver."

Please oh please, JP, keep Victoria's crazy ass here. No such luck. Better luck with your next hymen, Victoria.

Rose ceremony was pretty tame, except for Cassandra's minor meltdown. But oh, how I was duped again by the Bachelor! I thought for sure based on last week's previews that Chantal would be around for awhile, but alas, she went home tonight! Amy was not a surprise, given that her "interview" was more uncomfortable than Victoria's meltdown.

So far, my top 10 is still here, but after tonight, I'm getting vibes that Renee, Andi, Clare and Kat will go far. Sir Sharleen is 10 thumbs down for me, but I think she'll make it pretty far, too. Andi and Renee are my faves.

Next week on the bachelor, the girls get jealous and don't understand why JP is spending time with other girls. Oh wait....

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Tuesday, January 07, 2014 / 3 comments /

Bachelor: Week Juan

Hey ya'll, Happy Juanuary! Ugh, God. I can't believe I said that. It's everyone's favorite, or if you're my husband, least favorite time of year. (Seriously, when he saw the show on the DVR, he said, and I quote "Oh, fuck.") 

Apologies that your Bachelor recap is a day late. I was working from home yesterday due to the freaking end of the world Polar Vortex or whatever the hell is happening, and as such, got sucked into my new favorite guilty pleasure, Pretty Little Liars. Also, I'm trying not to drink during the week, and I couldn't imagine watching this show without a large glass of wine. However, I'm proud to say I'm doing it right now, so lower your expectations. I'm much funnier when I'm guzzling wine. 

(Speaking of which, I'm halfway through the episode. Why isn't anyone being a drunk asshole yet?)

Let's rewind. I'm not going to comment on the beginning part, except to say that we all need to be honest with ourselves and admit that Juan Pablo is HOT, and I love that he brought his daughter and parents to the mansion so as not to miss a moment. 

Onto the limo: These girls were BORING! No one was super memorable, except for their boob jobs, and they all acted like they were meeting freaking Channing Tatum with how giggly and awkward and nervous they were. They also all did this weird little quick exhale that sounded like, "WHOOSH."

Rose ceremony/cocktail party? Also boring! It was just a bunch of giggling, gaggling boob jobs. And apparently, no one was drinking, including JP. (And, I guess...me.)

Overall, a few girls stood out: 

Single mom, Renee, whom Juan referred to as "Mama" and in return, she called him "Papi." I don't care if you're both single parents, you sound like Mama June and Sugar Bear.

Andi, the assistant DA who was last one out of the limo. First of all, she's hot and clearly smart. Seems cool right off the bat, and I'm placing her in the top 5. It's also possible she could turn out to be villainess of the season, but I haven't seen previews yet for the rest of the season.

Lauren (who's a mineral coordinator. WTF is that?) who cried all night (I'm shocked there wasn't more than one) and said her "life sucks" so she deserves a rose, and also admitted on TV that she bought her wedding dress 6 weeks after being engaged. My favorite was this dialogue:

Lauren: "What do I need to do to swoop him up?"
Cowboy Boots girl: "Seriously, you just need to go in and swoop him up." Cool advice!

I also loved that she spilled the beans about her engagement to JP and said she was over it. Girl...you're a hot mess and you are so clearly not "over it." Go on home to 'Bama. (Honestly, before she turned into crazy crying girl, I had her pinned for the long-term.)

Nikki the nurse seems nice and cool and sweet, which usually means she'll get eaten up by the Bachelor bitches. We'll see though, she has potential for the long game.

Chantel & Danielle, the two African American gals who are keeping the show from a discrimination lawsuit. Danielle is gorgeous and Chantel seems to stick around for more than one more episode, which could be a record. You go, girl.

Elise (gold sequin dress) should remember what show she's on. Hint: It's not a beauty pageant. 

Ashley. Another gold sequin dress. She talks way too seductively to be a 1st grade teacher. 

"Bangs" Amy J.....uh SUPER CREEP, WALK AWAY JUAN!

Can we talk about...the first impression rose going to 'Sir' Sharleen? (See what I did there?) First of all, she looked straight up scared shitless while he was going to get that rose, but I do give her credit for being real about things and basically being like, 'meh.' I also love that she said "sure" when asked to accept the rose. Basically, she's all, "LIGAS." (Like I Give A Shit.) These things aside, she annoys me already, and is clearly going to be the character this season who questions why she's here, cries about how hard it is, leaves on her own accord. Seriously though, why does she keep calling him sir?

Here's my guesses for the top 10 (in no particular order):
  1. Renee
  2. Chelsie
  3. Christy 
  4. Nikki
  5. Alli
  6. Andi
  7. Clare
  8. Sharleen
  9. Kat
  10. Lucy
Can't wait to make fun of these "lovely ladies" all season long with you! Hopefully they give me some good material. 

Warning: There will more than Juan way to make fun of them...muhahha.

PS - did anyone else think that in the last scene with shirtless Juan and Sean, Sean has put on some pounds?!
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Tuesday, March 12, 2013 / 4 comments /

Thank God It's Over: Bachelor Recap

Monday was just made better for one reason, and one reason only: this season of The Bachelor is over. Another 3 hours of my life wasted, not to mention the past like, 100 weeks. Spoiler Alert: He picked Catherine!

This episode is usually pretty straight forward and definitely lacks in the drama and humor of previous episodes, but there are a few things to note:

I think we can all agree that the men and women who sign up to be The Bachelor/The Bachelorette have it rough. I mean, traveling the world, making out and sleeping with multiple men/women, pondering life in the shower, infinity pools, and on bridges and balconies — can you imagine?


 I would really love it if someone with a brain starred in this show. I mean, just once, could we see someone NOT say that he never believed he could feel this way? Can someone NOT say he's in love with two women? Can someone NOT think that after meeting the final two, his family will make the decision any easier for him? This show has been on for approximately 16 seasons too many, and not once has anyone spoken a word of sense.

Sean's dad? Sweetest man ever! I don't blame either girl for tearing up when he had one-on-one time, I thought it was all super genuine. Maybe he could be the next Bachelor.


Sean's brother-in law? Silent Bob. But hot...


After the girls meet his family, Sean is more confused than ever because his "mind never quits thinking." ...

I knew Lindsay wasn't going to win from the moment the show started. Mostly because when I turned on the TV at 9pm to start watching my DVR, she was being sent home in a limo. In any case, I felt bad for her the entire episode. Especially when her date consisted of being drug down a river of poop with a local eavesdropping in the background.

Girl rocked those daisy dukes, though. Unlike Sean, who did not rock the TURQUOISE TANK TOP he wore.

Let's see: river of poop or riding on an elephant? This is all we needed to see to know Catherine wins. I will admit that I teared up at her and Seans' goodbye at "her place." Critical as I am of this show, I like Catherine, especially in comparison to Lindsay, and I'm not just saying that because I don't like Lindsay. I just feel like she gets it a little bit. I like that she waited until the last time she saw Sean to tell him she loved him. I like that she's quirky, and genuine, and isn't trying too hard. Mostly, I like that she talks like an adult.

It was no coincidence that Lindsay was wearing silver and Catherine was wearing gold to the "rose ceremony."

Annoying as she is, and as awful as her dress was, Lindsay handled the whole "breakup" well. You could see the moment she realized Sean was breaking up with her and it was super sad. And who can blame her? One second he's saying all these sweet things and the next he says it's not enough. Loved when she kicked off her heels, told Sean to stop telling her he loved her, and walked away.

Sean is ready to pop the question, but not before Chris H. steps out of the jungle to hand Sean a note from his wannabe-bride, and Catherine drops the bombshell that...she loves him. It was a love note. Lesson learned people. Previews deceive.


Catherine comes down and I loved her reaction to the proposal. Having been proposed to before, it really is a surreal moment. In her case, though, I thought it was obviously that she wasn't even listening to Sean, she was just waiting for him to breakup with her. And when she realized he wasn't, her reaction was awesome.


 I could have done without riding off into the sunset on the elephant, but what are you gonna do?


After the Final Rose
Lindsay is just a little TOO nice to Sean for my liking, but again, I give the girl props for handling the situation like a champ (read: not like psycho AshLee). Sean and Catherine reveal they're getting married on TV and SOON. Thought it was sweet that Sean cried when they watched back the proposal. And we learn that Des is the new bachelorette. Yay?


That does it for me kids. Thanks for reading along this season! Really appreciate the support :) I'd like to say I won't be back to blog about this show ever again, but...I can't.




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