Granted, my Bachelorette recaps are not always super PC, but those are written with the intention of being funny and making fun of a show - versus putting personal stuff out there, ya know?
In any case, I'm going to attempt a recap for last night's Men Tell All, although I think we can agree that overall, it was pointless, painful and full of promotions for everything from babies to scarves to Bachelor in Paradise.
Let's start with this sonogram business. I don't get what was happening here. To have an update on a Bachelor spawn is one thing, but let's get one thing straight. JP and Ashley did not find out last night they were having a boy. First of all, I follow Ashley on Instagram and back in April, they shared their news. Not to mention the article that ran on People.com. So I guess I don't get why they whored out their fetus for no real reason. At least Chris Harrison didn't ask them if they accept this baby.
See it here.
Next up was the first of many mentions about ABC's new summer show, Bachelor in Paradise, where if you find love, you can stay. For a show that preaches that people be there for the right reasons, this concept seems like something of a stretch, but whatever. It looks to be full of drama and drunk people, two of my favorite things. At least when it comes to writing blogs. Anyway, if I had to bet, I'm sure the season is filled with people hooking up with more than one person, someone has a girlfriend they didn't tell us about. I don't know what the promos were about with the handcuffs, ambulances and blood, but I'm sure if it was something crazy, we'd have heard about it, so it's likely nothing.
And then we finally get to the guys. At first, I was horrified when I saw two scarves in a row, but once I saw every single person wearing one, I got the joke. GOOD ONE, ABC. For the most part, I didn't recognize many of these guys, seeing as most of them were only on for a couple of episodes.
Before anyone got in "the hot seat," we talked about the race issue for what seemed like forever. Andrew didn't make things better for himself when he called Marquel "Ron" (you know, the only other African American). I don't believe that ABC didn't have audio of whatever Andrew said to JJ. Don't all these guys wear mic packs? They probably just wanted the squabbling on the show, but either way, someone is lying and there's your drama. Whatever, I'm sick of talking about this. Let's talk about how drunk JJ looked during that whole scene. Either that, or he was going to cry. His eyes were bloodshot and glazed over and he had trouble talking, so...do the math.
Marquel comes up to the hot seat and all the women in the audience start crying when they replay his journey of lost love. What is wrong with the world, specifically, the women in this audience? I'm not going to spend too much time with Marquel; I thought he was boring during the season and I think he's boring now. Moving on to Marcus in the hot seat, which basically focused on how early he told Andi he loved her and if he could possibly find love again. Anyone with a brain could sense this was foreshadowing to his time on BIP. He's already engaged to someone he spent three weeks with on that show, so I think we know that he can love again. Or at least propose to someone after lots of sex for three weeks.
And then there was Chris. Do they have to make it so obvious when they're talking to the next Bachelor? His time was focused on how he's going to move on and find love in small town Iowa? "Well, duh, Chris Harrison, you're gonna find me 25 women who don't have an issue living on a farm with a millionaire, that's how." Also who DAFUQ was that chick in the audience? That whole encounter was so scripted and awkward, it hurt. Anyone want to bet she shows up on Chris' season as the Bachelor?
Finally Andi shows up to show everyone she's not pregnant like the tabloids say, and basically admits that she picks Josh when she has the chance to find out his lies and instead says she is going to "trust the process." Did anyone else think her time getting questions was over way too soon? Basically we were just reminded that she says "like" a lot, and that even though she says it wasn't the reason, when it comes to Chris, #blameitoniowa. I got the impression none of these dudes cared that much anymore about what happened, considering its been 2 months and half of them are back in the saddle and the bedroom as a result of being on the show.
Chris Harrison has lie detector results and the only interesting thing I learned from that is that Marcus is a man-whore. More than 20 girls, eh Marcus? Good on ya, bro.
Finally: Those bloopers sucked.