Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts

Why I Hate This Parenting Cliche

A couple of months ago, when Lent started, I published a Facebook status that said, "For Lent, I'm giving up sleep. #newmom."

Funny, right?

It got 45 likes and several comments from commiserating and empathetic mommies and daddies, saying "Amen!" or "Piece of cake!" They got my joke. They understood that as a parent, you have to try and find the humor in pretty much everything, or you won't survive.

But then I saw this comment:

I know it sounds like total BS, but you really will miss the late night snuggling once he gets older. So although it sucks now, try to soak it up.

I 'liked' the comment, but actually, I fucking hated the comment. Like, it really pissed me off.

"Soak it up," along with "Enjoy this time" or "Embrace the moment" have become my most hated pieces of parenting advice. (I hate even more that I have said this cliche to other expecting mommies.)

Why, you ask?

Most of the time, this instance included, I get this advice after a comment about some of the less-desirable parts of being a mom to an infant. Here, it was about lack of sleep. But the well-intended advice pisses me off because for one, I didn't say anything that would imply that I am NOT "soaking it up." I didn't complain about the lack of sleep. I didn't say "No sleep sucks," I didn't even mention late-night snuggles.

(Side note: No sleep for mom does not always equal "late night snuggles." Sometimes, it equals a screaming, writhing baby who does not want to snuggle, he wants to cry/scream/play/eat/chat, etc.)

So to tell me that I should be "soaking it up" in the middle of the night when I'd rather be sleeping? No thanks.

Quite simply, I was making light of the fact that, as the mom of a then-8-week-old, I wasn't sleeping, and therefore, giving up sleep for Lent would be easy peasy. HA. HA. HA!

For another thing: Not all moments in motherhood are enjoyable or precious. In fact, some of them are quite literally, shitty. Just because I don't particularly enjoy having bloody nipples and I don't cherish every dirty diaper I change and I don't like waking up every 45 minutes to receive a pacifier, doesn't mean that I'm a bad mom. At least I don't think it does. It also doesn't mean I won't do those things. Of course I will. It's all part of the gig, so I'll grin and bear it.

And finally, perhaps most important: Things are hard enough as a new mom, or even a veteran mom. I don't need the added pressure of feeling like I absolutely have to enjoy every moment of parenting. There have been nights and days when I break down and cry at the enormity of it all, of this job being a mom. I think selfish thoughts like, "I want to sleep," or "I can't do this," or "I just want to be alone."

And my next thought is always, "But you should enjoy this time, everyone says to enjoy this time!" And then the guilt floods my veins like a drug. Oh, the guilt. It's overwhelming.

Yes, I know, and I agree: Motherhood is precious. Babies are miracles. Time goes too fast. The days are long, but the years are short. But here's the thing: I will choose to "embrace," "enjoy" and "soak up" the moments that I deem deserving of such emotion.

And for me, those do not include nights where I only get an hour or two of sleep. Days where I have to sit around topless because my child has decided he will only be placated by my breast in or near his mouth. Moments when I'm late for work because my baby puked on the first three outfits I had on. Times when my child is in hysterics and I have no fucking clue what is wrong or how to make it better. Visits home when I want to cuddle up and play with my nieces and nephews like I used to, but I can't because there's someone else who needs me more than them.

For me, it's these hard moments that make the others so enjoyable.

With each passing day that Liam has been a part my life, I am learning. I am growing. It is getting easier, as everyone told me it would. I am "enjoying" a lot more these days, and even now, it's hard to dig deep and remember just how hard those first few weeks were, for all of us.

I know he won't always need me. I know he won't always be small. I know that the toughest phases of parenting won't last forever. I know I won't be able to cuddle him forever.I know this.

I snuggle Liam as often as I can, and savor it, because even though he's only 20 weeks old, he is already too busy discovering the world to sit still with me very often.
I inhale his baby smell and kiss his chubby cheeks, thighs and belly a hundred times a day.
I tear up when I'm rock him, overwhelmed by the all-consuming love I have for him.
I grieve when he outgrows clothing or goes up a size in his diaper.
I melt when I see him light up when his Dad walks in the room.
When he smiles at me, I think, "my heart cannot take any more emotion."
When he "talks" to me, providing all of the facial expressions and dramatic pauses of adult, I laugh so hard, and my cheeks hurt from smiling.
When he relaxes in my arms, I breathe a sigh of relief - he needs me and I can make it, whatever 'it' is at that particular moment, better.
I am crying as I write all of these things, because my heart swells thinking of all the fun we've had, and have yet to experience.

So, I am enjoying it. Most of it.

But just because, for one night, I might want to lay my baby down to sleep instead of holding him in my arms, does not mean I am not soaking it up. It just means I'm tired.

Many of you reading this probably disagree with me. You're probably shaking your head, thinking that I couldn't know what I'm talking about. How could I, my baby is only 4 months old! You sit there,with your toddlers, tweens, teenagers or adult children, and think, "No, I really do miss those hard moments, honest." I'm sure you do. You're entitled to. And maybe someday I'll look back on this post and I'll laugh at my naïveté, and I will miss EVERY moment, not just the snuggley ones.

But that's my journey to go on. You went through it, now let me go through it. Let me feel what I feel, enjoy what I enjoy, and not embrace what I don't want to embrace, and please don't tell me to do otherwise. I'm embracing, enjoying, soaking in everything, as best as I can, just like you and every other mommy or daddy out there.

Anyone else feel like this, or am I a Negative Nancy, party of 1?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015 / 6 comments / baby new baby new mom New Parents parenting Rants Sleep

Sleepless in Chicago

As per my Instagram, the 4-month sleep regression is not only REAL - it is a real motherfucker.

Sorry for my lack of presence. I have about 10 half-written blogs in my drafts, but have just been busy with work, life and being a mom, that I haven't gotten a chance to finish them or write anythign new. But, as writing is my therapy, I need to visit my corner of the world today to get some things out.

Before we went home to Iowa for Easter (which I have yet to blog about. SLACKER!), Liam was sleeping from 9pm -5am, at which point he ate briefly, and went back to sleep until 7:15-7:30am. For the most part, he was sleeping in his crib. We usually had to go into his room to give him back his paci, but for the most part...we weren't complaining.

Since we got home...things have changed DRASTICALLY.

I've heard and read horror stories about a 4-month sleep regression. Not wanting to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, I had it in the back of my mind, but again - just wanted to "wait and see."

It started with a couple nights of Liam waking up around 11pm-12am in his crib, inconsolable, and we'd usually end up putting him in his rock 'n play. We'd have some intense rounds of Paci Pong, but just figured he needed some time to re-adjust to his crib and being in his own room, (the transition was new, and while traveling, he was in his rock 'n play, in our room). It has since become multiple wakings, every few hours, always starting after a few hours in his crib. We went from being able to soothe him by returning his paci or rubbing his belly, to nursing, having to rock him, walk him, bounce him...or any other tactic to get him back tot sleep. He falls asleep during said soothing measure, but the second we put him back in his RNP or crib...eyes open, not having it, rinse and repeat. We went from 7-8 hour stretches, to 5-6, to 3-4 and now we have been sitting pretty at about 2 hours. THAT IS NEWBORN STATUS.

Last night, Liam woke went down at 8pm, and was up 9:45pm-10pm, 11:15pm-11:30pm, 1:25am-3:30am, and up for the day at 6am. My hubby has also been out of town, so it was just me.

I have said many times, there is a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture. You become desperate. In the past two weeks, due to our lack of sleep, I have done nothing but read about this "regression," research "remedies" and stress myself out about all the things we're doing right and wrong, healthy and unhealthy.

Here's the thing about children and sleep: It is one of those polarizing parenting topics, where there are so many schools of thought. You just want to SLEEP and your baby to SLEEP and so you try anything an everything.

Today, after soliciting advice from my best friends, family and fellow mama's, I came to this conclusion: Parenting is a mind-fuck. It's so ridiculous that I feel guilty for nearly every moment of the past couple of weeks. I feel guilty for wanting him to spend so many hours asleep, when I miss him and long for him so many hours of the day. Then I feel guilty for putting him down earlier in the night, even though all I've been asking him to do is sleep. And then, I feel guilty for wanting him to stay up late. I feel guilty for telling him to go the f to sleep. I feel guilty for making him cry it out, I feel guilty for nursing when he wakes, I feel guilty for not nursing when he wakes, I feel guilty for getting upset when he wakes up during the night. I feel guilty for taking his pacifier. I feel guilty for wanting sleep, I feel guilty for not "enjoying this time." The list goes on.

So, after an afternoon of crying in my office, guess what: I am retreating to the parenting school of thought of "Do what's best for you." I am going to try to reinforce/continue the healthy sleep habits we've established. I'm going to try and not stress out about creating or reinforcing unhealthy sleep habits or crutches during this difficult time. I'm going to change my perspective: Instead of hoping for sleep, I'm going to expect to wake up. I'm going to take things one day at a time, and try to I'm going to remember my Mommy Mantra of, "This too shall pass." Most of all, I'm going to give myself grace, because I'm doing the best I can.

And now, I'm going to sleep.

Tuesday, December 09, 2014 / 2 comments / pregnancy Rants To The

To The: Pregnant Edition

It's been SO LONG since I've done a "To The" post, I almost forgot that this was even a "thing" around here for a while.

I hate to have everything I blog lately be baby-/pregnancy-related, but can you blame me? This is the life I've been living for the past 38 weeks and 5 days. Not that I'm counting. Maybe I'm turning into a mommy blogger...

In that time, I have read, heard and seen things that you would not believe. Some of them you would, because if you've been pregnant, it's probably happened to you, or you know someone it happened to. Or maybe you are one of the offenders. Oh and #sorryimnotsorry for the swearing.

To the bitches who only gain 20 lbs or less, don't swell or have trouble sleeping, pain, carpal tunnel, backaches, headaches, etc. Fuck you. I say that with love and jealousy in my heart.

To the carpal tunnel and arthritis that have taken over my hands, fingers and wrists: you are the devil. May someone somewhere find a cure for you in the near future.

To the people who said WOW! back when September when I told them I'm not due until December. Is that, "wow! You look great!" ? Or "wow, you're really big and still have a while to go!" ? I'll go with the latter since people are assholes.

To the people who tell me, "You look great!" without even really looking at me, but just know that's what you say to a very pregnant woman: I love you.

To my previously big, but now porn-star-sized boobs: Before we were pregnant, you were DD's. Your current size is one I won't reveal. I shudder to think what you will look like when "engorged" after my milk comes in. If you don't do what you're supposed to and feed the kid, my threats of downsizing you will come true sooner than we all thought.

To my legs that look like they belong to a 500 lb woman. I have approximately 10 pairs of cute boots made for the fall/winter, yet I can only zip ONE of you around my swollen legs. This makes it difficult to fulfill my fantasies of being an adorable preggo who lives in leggings, cardigans, scarves and boots.

To my squished internal organs: You're making it difficult to eat, breathe and poop on a regular basis. Yet somehow I need to do all of these things to survive and keep the baby inside me kicking. Let's look alive, and try to get back to our normal positions soon, yes?

To the people who judge me for drinking caffeine or a glass of wine, and for eating soft cheeses or deli meat that I haven't heated up: Ask me if I give a shit what you think.

To the stranger who not once, but twice, but BOTH hands on my belly and exclaimed, "I love babies!" I made it so far into my pregnancy without this happening and now you've ruined my perfect record. Take those grabby hands and go touch someone else's stomach.

To the people who ask me when I'm due and I respond with, "I'm not pregnant." I'm sorry. I'm just so sick of all the questions, it's become more fun to fuck with you. But since you asked, I'm due next week.

To my cervix, which my doctor told me today was like "Fort Knox." Please, I beg of you. Respond to the primrose oil, raspberry leaf tea, walking, massages, pedicures and sex and OPEN THE FUCK UP. This kid needs a way out, like yesterday.

To the women at work, who every morning exclaim, "You're still here!" in shock and awe. Yep. Still here. Still pregnant. Still feeling miserable. Thanks for reminding me.

To the kid who will come out as a result of all this: I have faith you'll be worth it.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014 / 9 comments / baby farrell pregnancy Rants weight gain

A Word About Pregnancy Weight Gain

Dear Doctor,

I'm frustrated. No, that's too nice. I'm pissed off.

At my 34-week appointment yesterday, I was told for, not for the first or second time, that you are "concerned" with my weight gain. That I am not "allowed" to gain any more weight, and that if I don't maintain until baby comes, I'm "in trouble."

A. What the fuck? What exactly will you do to me if I do, in fact, gain a dreaded pound or two?
B. I have gained 40 lbs.

They say, depending on your pre-pregnancy weight, a 25-35 lb gain is "healthy." So I guess I don't understand why alarms are going off that I've gained 5 lbs more than the recommended amount.

4 weeks pregnant

Let's look at Hayden Panettiere. Same height as me, same weight gain. Granted, I did not weigh 106 lbs pre-pregnancy (and I kinda doubt she did either). Is anyone jumping down her throat?

I have friends who have gained 60+ pounds during pregnancy. I even know women who have gained 90+ pounds. Did their doctors say a word? NOPE.

Obviously, the goal when pregnant is not to gain a ton of weight, but it's part of the process. Let's look at where some of the pounds go:

In an average pregnancy, weight gain is distributed as follows:

Baby -- 6-8 lbs.

Placenta -- 1-2 lbs.

Increased fluid volume -- 2-3 lbs.

Increased blood volume -- 3-4 lbs.

Amniotic fluid -- 2 lbs.

Enlarged uterus -- 2 lbs.

Enlarged breasts -- 1-2 lbs.

(I am confident my enlarged breasts are at least 5 lbs, and I'm not even kidding.)

Stored fat and protein (important for lactation) -- 6-8 lbs.

For shits and giggles, let's say I am on the high end of all of those numbers. That comes to 31 pounds. Which means I have 9 extra pounds floating around my body somewhere.

Am I crazy to think that's normal?!

10 weeks pregnant

Here's the other thing, doctor. I will be the first to admit that I have not been "perfect" in eating in my pregnancy. There have been days when I went over the 300 extra calories you're supposed to eat. There have been days (more than a few) when I gave in to my pizza or burger craving. I have eaten fast food, but I'm confident I can count on one hand the number of times that has happened in the past 34 weeks.

SHOOT ME.

A typical day of eating for me looks like this:

Breakfast: Bagel and cream cheese or English muffin with peanut butter; fruit, orange juice. Coffee some days.

Lunch: Soup or salad, maybe a little of each.

Sometimes a sandwich from Subway or Jimmy Johns, with chips.

Snacks: Fruits, veggies or yogurt

Dinner: Typical meals are tacos, pulled pork/chicken, or chicken stir-fry. Perhaps a chicken breast with a starch and vegetable.

Dessert: I am guilty of having a handful of candy in the evenings. Sometimes ice cream.

This menu? NOT THAT DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I ATE BEFORE I WAS PREGNANT. The major difference is that I eat more carbs that I did pre-pregnancy. For example, at dinner, if we have tacos, in the past I would just have a taco salad, whereas now, I go for the shells. If I have a burger, I eat the bun. Etc.

33 weeks, 6 days

I am also active. Up until about 30 weeks, I was at the gym about 4-5 times a week. Now, I only make 2-3, but on the days I don't, I make sure to at least walk for 30 minutes. I know for a fact this is more than MANY people can say, pregnant or not.

PLUS, dearest, doctor, you more than anyone should know that when you weigh yourself, any time you do so inconsistently, you're going to fluctuate. For example, most of my appointments with you are in the late afternoon, when I've had 2 liters of water, and at least two meals in the day. What I'm wearing is also a factor. It's fucking cold, and I'm wearing a bulky sweater and boots. How much I weigh is probably going to be different than if you weigh me first thing in the morning, naked. If you'd let me strip down, we probably wouldn't have this conversation. Case in point: The scale this morning before I stepped in the shower was a solid 5 lbs less than it was before I went to bed last night.

Bare belly at 34 weeks, 5 days. (My mirror is dirty).

Doc, I'm just frustrated because the last fucking thing I want to worry about at this point of my pregnancy is not gaining weight. I want to focus on the excitement of finishing our nursery. On the fact that we get to meet our sweet boy in 5-6 short weeks. I don't want to think about cutting out carbs and sweets. I will worry about that shit when I am trying to lose the baby weight, not grow a healthy human being.

In conclusion, doctor, while I appreciate your care and concern, what I'd really like to say is Fuck you and your opinion of my weight.

This PSA brought to you by pregnant women, everywhere.

Friday, July 11, 2014 / 4 comments / jobs Rants Reality

Hurry Up and Wait

Did you know every day feels like Friday when you don't have a job?

Warning: Originally, I wanted to name this blog "Rants, Raves & Revelations," but it was too long, so I went with "Raves & Revelations." I wanted to include "Rants" for a reason, and that's because it's not always sunshine and rainbows over here in my little corner of the Internet. I do my best to stay positive and keep positive, because I think negativity is a waste of energy. But, it's hard sometimes in the face of stress and adversity.

I'm no longer with my former company. And though I was offered a role for my dream job at a different company, unfortunately, it fell through. I don't understand why, and I'm hopeful something will work out with that company in the future, but in the meantime, I find myself going on three weeks unemployed. And it's rough.

It's tough not to worry and stress about money knowing that we are only on my husband's income. I hate not going to a job every day and doing something with my time. I spend all day, every day, searching and applying for jobs, reaching out to my network, or seeking freelance work. I've applied for COUNTLESS positions and have yet to hear anything. I customize my resume for each job, I write a kick ass cover letter and I take the time to find the hiring managers so I can send my application directly to an inbox, instead of a black hole. Still, nothing.

I consider myself a humble person in general, but when it comes to my skills and work ethic, I know this: I kick ass. I am passionate about my work and can get behind any project or subject you put in front in me. I love telling stories that let people connect with something, whether it's a product or a brand or a project across the world. I am a hard worker and a good worker, and a fast learner. I am organized to a fault. I can project manage the shit out of something, and still do most of the work myself. I am creative and witty, and the queen of puns. I can do almost any job, given my diverse background in writing, editing, content strategy, social media, website development, brand development and editorial management, to name a few. To this point, I have been rejected for just one job and that opportunity eventually made itself back to me (see dream job from above). It's that feeling of, if I could just get a conversation with someone about this job, I know I could do it, and they would love me.

The problem is getting the conversation.

Anyway. I apologize for the rant and the pity party. It's just been a trying few weeks and it feels good to vent a little bit to someone other than my husband.

Back to it. Happy Friday, everyone, and I hope you all have great weekends!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013 / 5 comments / Rants

Mouths

Has anyone ever kept their mouth open for 3 hrs without swallowing? No, not for THAT, you dirty birds.

Well, ladies and gents, I have. And at the ripe age of 29.95, I learned a valuable lesson yesterday.

Go to the dentist. And floss.

I went for the first time yesterday in 3 years. Yes, I know how gross that is. Long story short, insurance had something to do with it. Anyway, I went so that's what matters, right?

Side note: the dentist is the only doctor who compels you to lie out of fear. You don't find your regular doc diagnosing you with strep and then blaming you for it, do you? Of course not. But don't floss every day, so you lie and tell the dentist you do, but then you get 5 cavities and THEY KNOW and they tell you they know.

Yep. I had FIVE, count 'me, FIVE cavities, which could have all been avoided by a) going to the dentist and b) flossing more often.

As a result, my exam took 1.5 hours and then another hour to fill two cavities. AND the left side of my face was numb for 6 hrs after!

Exhibit A:

You're welcome.

Back on Friday I go for more fillings, and believe you me, I'll be back in 6 months for a check up!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013 / 2 comments / hate mail Rants writing

Humiliation: Thy Name is Rachel Zupek

Happy hump day! My days are all mixed up due to my recent 4-day weekend and work from home day yesterday. Now that I'm actually in the office again, I am reminded exactly how strongly I believe that working is for the birds.

Speaking of work, you probably don't know that I started my career as a communications specialist at CareerBuilder.com, where I wrote job search advice articles for MSN, CNN and AOL. Needless to say, it was a great way to start my career and boost my resume. (A Google search for "rachel zupek careerbuilder" will bring you to any number of said articles.)

This job also came with a lot of criticism. I got lots of hate mail, telling me that I was stupid and didn't know what I was talking about. Fair enough, considering I was 23, in my first job, and advising people on their careers when I had just begun my own. But they didn't know that.

My favorite of said pieces of mail came in the form of a blog post titled, "CareerBuilder Can Blow Me," by someone named Prattle On, Boyo, and with the following graphic:

He was writing in response to an article I wrote called Is To Whom It May Concern the Kiss of Death? In this article, I advised people to always try to find a real person to address your cover letter to. This is not malarky—this is real advice that I still give to people, and follow myself, today.

He starts by asking "what kind of weed [I] was smoking because clearly, it wasn’t quality stuff or else [I] would know what any stoner, or, for that matter, what anyone who has ever had to look for a job already does."

The best part:

Hey Rachel? Listen babe, maybe you previously worked in an HR Department (this would explain your cluelessness); or maybe you are simply a freshly minted college grad, and, Uncle Richie knew the hiring manager at the company and, that’s how you got your first job EVAH. But I have to tell you that dispensing the kind of idiotic guidance you did today with your bitchin’, 1980 Way Back Advice Generator Device to job seekers facing double digit national unemployment numbers was like showing up to an Obama rally dressed in your best Klan linen. You were lucky all you received was a civilized lambasting. What you deserved was to be hanged, drawn and quartered.

You can't make this stuff up. He then tells me to "pull my head out of my ass" and later, calls me a "silly twat."

But it gets better! He wrote this first post sometime in February 2010, which is also when I started at my current company. In SEPTEMBER 2010, he wrote yet another blog post about me, entitled: Humiliation, Thy Name is Rachel Zupek.

In this rant, he points out that after he "lambasted" me, I removed my name from the blog and replaced it with "CareerBuilder Blogger." Then he says:

"I like to think that she was so friggen humiliated for writing such a fucktarded advice column that she was reeling from embarrassment to the extent where she felt compelled to redact her credentials....Let’s hope that Ms. Zupek has decided to permanently refrain from writing worthless job seeking tips and found a more productive way to utilize her writing skills."

These posts still make me laugh for many reasons, but mainly because this guy cares so much about me and my writing career to take the time to write about me, not once, but twice. And also that he thinks he had any power whatsoever over me, and what I write. AS IF I would remove my name from an article because this nobody didn't agree with what I wrote. In reality, my name was removed from the blog because I no longer worked there. Not because I was fired or humiliated, but because I took my own CRAZY advice and found the name hiring manager of my current company, and sent her my application. It's so weird, I got a response—AND the job. Take that, Prattle.

Just wanted to entertain with you this piece of gold. And Prattle, if you're reading, thank you for your concern. I think you'll be happy to know that I am still writing, pretty successfully I might add, and I am trying my best not to do it in a "fucktarded" manner.

If you're stopping by from The Daily Tay, welcome! Sit and stay awhile!

Tuesday, March 05, 2013 / 2 comments / Bachelor Rants

Bachelor Recap: Women Tell All

Happy Snow Day! (I wish). It is snowing like no one's business right now, though.

So, the Women Tell All was predictable: The ladies showed up looking hotter than they ever did on the show in a final ploy to show Sean what he's missing. They tore Tierra a new one. There was a cry for closure from a few, while a few were clearly being teed up as the next Bachelorette. And in an unexpected turn of events, AshLee didn't mention her abandonment issues once, but she did show a whole new side of crazy.

Switching things up again for this recap. I took to Twitter to see what everyone else was saying and I'll weave my thoughts into that.

Let's skip to the good stuff, shall we, because no one cares about Sean and Chris Harrison showing up to a viewing party unless it was ours.

SARAH

She looked good, no? Don't get me wrong, I like Sarah, but I'm over her. I don't believe her having one arm had anything to do with Sean not picking her, I think it was because she's a bit...boring.

Everyone loves Sarah because she only has one arm.I ignored that fact and found her terribly boring. #thebachelor
— Natalie Hinkley (@whoisnataliem) March 5, 2013

Depressing: Sarah can pack, dress, do hair and makeup better with one hand than I can with two. Or could with three. #bachelornation
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) March 5, 2013

"I think I'm funny. And I think I'm smart. And I think I'm great." Maybe we could work on the modesty, Sarah. #Bachelor
— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) March 5, 2013

TIERRA

A few things to note: Her dress was horrible. Her dent was gone. Her ring is out of control, and not in a good way. She wasn't wearing makeup. Starting off the segment by saying she lights up a room? Also, what's the point of her even being on this show if she doesn't own up to her actions? All she does is feign memory loss. Quick, someone call the paramedic.

...and then Tierra comes out and cuts them all in the face with her "sparkler" - i.e. RING. #bachelor
— Jaclyn Swartz (@JaclynSwartz) March 5, 2013

Of course I didn't come on the #bachelor looking for a meaningful connection. A unibrow is the LAST thing I want.
— Tierra's Eyebrow (@TierrasEyebrow) March 5, 2013

"It's difficult for me because I light up in a room." If only it was in flames. #Bachelor #WTA
— Jen Marcus (@jenmarcus) March 5, 2013

"When I walk into a room, I bring this joy and smile and happiness" -- no person who actually does those things. @bachelornation
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) March 5, 2013

Favorite line from the Tierra segment that was cut came from @lesleymurph "Tierra, you were more of an outcast than Andre 3000" #Bachelor
— Robert Mills(@Millsy11374) March 5, 2013

Tierra "lights up in a room." Her eyebrow, on the other hand, does the Harlem Shake. #TheBachelor
— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) March 5, 2013

I bet Tierra's new man can squeeze ping pong balls out of his vagina. #TheBachelor #TierrasForeheadHole
— Jason Biggs (@JasonBiggs) March 5, 2013

THE BEST:

Where the Sparkle went. #bachelor twitter.com/WilliamFHolman…
— William Holman (@WilliamFHolman) March 5, 2013

ASHLEE
Even though ombre is out (ignoring the fact that I almost did this to my own hair about a month ago), I happened to love AshLee's hair. I thought it looked amaze. I thought AshLee was good during the whole Tierra segment, bordering on being bitchy and being honest. Then came the part with Sean. To say he dodged a bullet by not choosing her is an understatement. Also, can we talk about the difference between her dress after the hometowns and her dress after the Fantasy Suites?

Ughhh AshLee's ombre hair reminds me of 2012 and I'm really trying to do this whole not living in the past thing. #TheBachelor #WTA
— Sarah Newlon (@SarahNewlon) March 5, 2013

AshLee: "No, I wasn't pissed." Chris Harrison: "You LOOKED pissed." Preach. #bachelornation
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) March 5, 2013

AshLee says Sean was acting like a frat guy. Or, you know, the #Bachelor
— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) March 5, 2013

Here's what happend AshLee: He didn't pick you. End of story. #TheBachelor #WTA
— Sean Lowe's Abs (@SeanLowesAbz) March 5, 2013

If AshLee used the term "this man" instead of Sean then I'll take a shot on this flight. #HeHadAName #MidFlightTweet #TheBachelor
— Arie Luyendyk Jr. (@ariejr) March 5, 2013

"I know you're a strong woman," @seanlowe09 says, silently adding "I mean you support those giant implants, don't you?" #TheBachelor
— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) March 5, 2013

Someone needs to remind AshLee that dudes say a ton of stuff they don't mean when they're banging. #wta #bachelor
— damianholbrook (@TVGMDamian) March 5, 2013

Well said, Sean Lowe. You're a witty thing, aren't you.

"This Man" would never say that. #TheBachelor
— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) March 5, 2013

EVERYONE ELSE

So many tweets about Brooke...who the hell is Brooke?

Who is Brooke and why is she talking? Are you a producer? Oh, you were on the show? Like...an extra? #bachelor
— Will Haskell (@WillHaskell51) March 5, 2013

Brooke's earrings aren't here to make friends. #TheBachelor
— People magazine (@peoplemag) March 5, 2013

I yell that at @ashhebert every night! #takeurshirtoff #thebachelor
— J.P. Rosenbaum (@JP_Rosenbaum) March 5, 2013

"I milked a goat" is Desiree's "I carried a watermelon." #TheBachelor
— People magazine (@peoplemag) March 5, 2013

"Des wouldn't let me in all the way"....just the tip. #bachelor
— Jaclyn Swartz (@JaclynSwartz) March 5, 2013

Sean says he considers himself "blessed" to have been on the Bachelor. God says, "I want no part of this." #bachelornation
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) March 5, 2013

Speaking of Him, thank God we only have one week of this left.

Who do you think he picks? Any votes for Bachelorette?

Tuesday, February 26, 2013 / 2 comments / Bachelor Rants Reality TV

Bachelor Recap: What-What's Your Fan-ta-ta-sy

I'm beginning to wish that The Bachelor was on Friday nights, not only because I ~~never do anything on~~ am always busy on Friday nights would ~~always~~ never watch, but because there are several drinking games that we can now play thanks to the Morons on this show.

DRINK every time...

Sean says "You look so cute!"
Sean says, "Is this woman my wife?"
They show Sean showering, or pensively looking off into the distance
Lindsay talks like a baby
Lindsay says, "Amazing"
AshLee says, "This man"
Ashlee uses a metaphor
Catherine says, "beefy" or "hunky"
Catherine references her weirdness or drops a serious bomb on Sean

Anyway, this week was the Fantasy Suites, where normal contestants slut it up and figure out if they can tolerate sleeping with this one person for the ~~next few months~~ rest of their lives. Or, as this young gal said, and Chris Harrison reiterated:

But when you're Sean, and a "born-again virgin"—which I might add is not a real thing—you use this total privacy to talk. Bo-o-ring.

Lindsay gets the first date and despite the fact that she annoys me to no end, I can tell Sean likes her. Damnit. Their date begins with the pair getting picked up by a taxi, which Lindsay thinks is "amazing." It's a motorized rickshaw, Lindsay, for god's sake. She says she can't focus on the beauty of Thailand because she's got a beautiful man next to her. I'd venture to say it's because Sean's massive body has her trapped. They walk around some Asian market because in "real life" they look forward to doing things like grocery shopping. Because most trips to the grocery store involve eating bugs...

Lindsay post-bug eating, pre-vomit.

They monkey around on a secluded beach for awhile—literally—before going to dinner. Lindsay is amazed times 1,000 when she sees that their dinner is in front of some giant Thai floats that include "a bed of flowers made out of like, petals." NO WAY! Flowers made out of petals?! You've gotta be shittin' me. They get the Fantasy Suite card, which Lindsay reads like an illiterate baby, and off they go. Oh and how could I forget? Lindsay tells Sean she loves him, to which he responds "I love hearing you say that."

Every girl's dream.

AshLee's up next and they hop on a boat en route to a secluded beach. But not before they swim through a cave for 2 20 minutes and we hear another speech/metaphor about abandonment from AshLee.

What does abandonment have to do with swimming in a cave? You’re afraid Sean will leave you there? I’m pretty sure at least one of the 20 producers, cameramen, etc would throw you a raft. This is a direct quote:

"I’m terrified because it’s pitch dark. It’s scary. But that’s kinda how life is sometimes. It’s like when you’re with the person you love, and you’re going down a dark alleyway..."

Ummm. You lost me there. I'm in love but I'm in an alley? That sounds more like sexual assault. AshLee needs to lay off the crazy pills, deal with her issues, stop speaking in metaphor and come back to Earth. Or at the very least, she needs to stop talking about such heavy shaz. Anyway, they head to dinner, AshLee gives a detailed description of the engagement ring she wants, and when the Fantasy Suite card comes, Sean tells us (another direct quote):

"What I would love is to stay up all night with AshLee talking. That would be the perfect ending to this date."

Maybe if you're 16 and on a first date, that would be the ideal ending to a first date, but c'mon, this is The Bachelor. I think at this point we know AshLee's fate.

Last but not least, we've got Catherine's date. Personally, I think it's obvious from they way they are editing this show that Catherine is the winner. More on that later. They're on (another) boat, Catherine tells Sean how hunky he is, and how nerdy she is. She also talks about her last long relationship and how she got "scared" and realized "some things" and now she's ready to get married. Way to dig deep, Catherine. Anyone else notice how she said ALL of this to Sean without once looking at him in the eye? Weird.

We also learn why Catherine is rarely seen in her swimsuit. She drops another serious bomb, saying that people used to call her chubby and told her she eats too much. So, essentially, she has an eating disorder, aka she is Vegan. (Love ya, Diener!)

At dinner, Catherine makes a point of telling Sean she is traditional, yada yada, and we see those previews that everyone thinks means that Catherine is going to turn down the Fantasy Suite. People when will you learn: Basically whatever is shown in a preview, the opposite is likely to happen. That's why I'm so interested to see what this little "note" is that Sean gets in the finale. Is it from Des or AshLee asking for another chance? Is it from Catherine, finally telling Sean she loves him, since she hasn't yet?

Anyway, like I said earlier and to my point above, the producers on this show are not to be trusted. We've seen so much of a connection with Lindsay all season, and so little of Catherine until recently, they are trying to make us sure that it's Lindsay at the end. We'll see, but I'd be willing to be that it's not.

The rose ceremony comes, Chris Harrison does a whole lot of nothing (per usual) and Sean watches those horribly awkward videos they force the girls to make. AshLee's embarrassing breakdown is further evidence that she's going home. Sean can't watch it, and neither could I. Sean sends AshLee home and she is PISSED.

She, nor her, boobs are interested in hearing anything Sean has to say about why she's going home. She lets us know she was not here to have fun. We couldn't tell, AshLee.

The Women Tell All next week and then it's FINALLY the end of this godforsaken show.

What''s your prediction?

Wednesday, February 13, 2013 / 5 comments / Bachelor Rants To The

"I Can't Control My Eyebrow!" and Other Tierra Quotes

You guys. I don’t know how many more of these recaps I can muster. Especially because nearly all the funny things to recap about this season left in the minivan with Tierra’s eyebrow—and sparkle.

Bachelor Recap: "He Took the Iraqi to the Desert"

Happy Tuesday! I’m not sure where you all live, but here in Chicago, the weather is being all kinds of crazy. Freezing rain on Sunday, mid-40s Monday and today, it’s 61. Thanks, global warming!

It’s my favorite day of the week as I pick apart America’s favorite hot messes.

I’m coming at this a little differently today, more like a real recap, rather than just highlighting the train wrecks. There was too many this episode. Bear with me.

The episode opens with—SPOILER ALERT!—gratuitous shots of Sean, not only shirtless, but pantless as well.

We learn that Selma gets the first one-on-one and I’ve got to say, I’m OK with it. She had me at “He took the Iraqi to the desert.” But I’m getting ahead of myself.

We haven’t seen much of Selma yet, but clearly she’s hot (literally and figuratively), she’s pint-sized with huge fake boobs, and as we learned this episode, she only weighs 110 pounds. It seems like many people are annoyed she said this, but ladies, let’s be honest – if you weighed 110 lbs, you’d announce it on national TV, too.

Sean says he wants to see if Selma can “rough it” since she’s previously told him she gets misjudged as being prissy. The two “rough it” by taking a private jet to Joshua Tree—aka the desert and Iraqi comment—where they climb a rock so that Selma can fulfill the show’s requirement of having at least one person scared of heights so that she can “conquer her fear” and make some analogy about how she can get through anything with Sean at her side.

My favorite part? When they were standing on the rock looking out at the sunset. I feel like we’ve seen this before…

Next they go to a glorified trailer park where they lay on astro turf, look at the stars and whisper. Seriously though. Why are they whispering? Selma then drops the bomb that her family is super conservative and she doesn’t want to embarrass them by kissing Sean on national TV.

Yes, that seems that logical...

Sean basically tells us that he’s got Blue Balls because Selma’s a tease. “Her eyes are asking me to kiss her. Ahhhhh!” She gets the rose and they seal it with a hug.

Cue Selma saying Sean is going to have to wait to kiss her until she’s “his only lady.” Sorry Selma, but you’re not going to get far with that attitude. Especially when we get to the part where these hoes all bed Sean, basically at the same time. I think Selma will make it to the final 5 or 6 before Sean tells her that his physical relationships are further developed and sends Selma packing.

Next up: the dreaded group date. Sean wants to test the “physicality” of the women—no joke, he used that word at least 100 times—and the ladies prep for a roller derby.

Tierra’s ready to beat some ass, Amanda lies and says she used to play the sport, Robyn can’t stand up for more than .5 seconds, and Sarah cries about her unfair advantage, what with only having one arm. I’ve gotta go with Sarah on this one – roller skating is about balance and it’s hard to balance when you’re not even on both sides. Just sayin’.

Eventually, Karma comes knockin’ and because she wore that hideous neon dress with flower shoulder pads while shooting daggers from her eyes not too long ago, Amanda takes a spill thinks she broke her jaw.

Sean – aka the show’s lawyers – decide maybe this date is too dangerous and let’s just all skate around holding hands instead.

I noticed that all of these girls look very “fit”, despite those hideous uniforms. Side note: Has anyone else noticed that Tierrable Tierra (kudos to whoever said that last night in the episode) is the only one ever eating? I wonder if she’ll gain weight like Chantal O. and Ali F., and if she does, will the dent in her forehead be the first place she gains?

Speaking of those roller derby outfits, why was Jackie the only one wearing a helmet in her ITM? Or the better question: why is she still here?

I digress. The rest of the group date is boring, especially because Tierra hijacks it by saying that the other girls are torturing her and she’s going home. Here’s a hint Sean: Girls who say “girls don’t like me” and “I don’t like drama” means they’re a bitch who always starts shit. Sean gives Tierra a rose, and after smirking at the camera, she joins the group and they all go home.

Leslie H. gets the next one-on-one and it happens to be the “Pretty Woman” date, where Sean buys her diamonds, a hideous dress, sparkly shoes and a purse, all topped off with a 125-carat necklace that look horrific with previously stated items.

Les is over the moon because she’s never gotten jewels from a boyfriend before. Probably because she’s never had a boyfriend. She also says “holy moly” not once, not twice, but THREE times that we saw. You sealed your fate right there, sister.

Despite the fact she’s literally sparkling, Sean doesn’t feel a spark and sends Leslie packing, but not before getting back his diamonds. In the words of Possessionista, “That awkward moment when your boyfriend dumps you and asks for the jewelry back.”

Leslie also tells us in the limo that she would have given back her diamond earrings if it meant spending her time with Sean. See, Leslie, there's your issue right there. In the words of Kanye, Diamonds are Forever. The Bachelor and any couple associated with it, is not.

Cue preview we saw of Sean dropping a lone rose over the balcony as Ben Taylor plays to a crowd of no one.

At the rose ceremony, Lesley M. & Amanda stand out in bad way with their lipstick choices for the evening. My girl Catherine FINALLY gets some one-on-one time with Sean that they show us. Since the first episode, I’ve felt like Catherine is quirky, witty and calm and I could see her going far, but then they don’t show us any of her time with Sean, so it’s hard to tell. Then Robyn asks Sean if he wants to taste her chocolate and things get weird, fast.

Amanda and her "broken" jaw (read: TMJ) that she tried to cover with black lipstick go home.

I’ll be shocked if next week we don’t see Jackie, Robyn and Daniella go home.

Until next week, when paramedics make a second visit to see Tierra.

Thoughts this week?

raves + revelations