Bachelor Recap: "He Took the Iraqi to the Desert"

Happy Tuesday! I’m not sure where you all live, but here in Chicago, the weather is being all kinds of crazy. Freezing rain on Sunday, mid-40s Monday and today, it’s 61. Thanks, global warming!

It’s my favorite day of the week as I pick apart America’s favorite hot messes.

I’m coming at this a little differently today, more like a real recap, rather than just highlighting the train wrecks. There was too many this episode. Bear with me.

The episode opens with—SPOILER ALERT!—gratuitous shots of Sean, not only shirtless, but pantless as well. 

We learn that Selma gets the first one-on-one and I’ve got to say, I’m OK with it. She had me at “He took the Iraqi to the desert.” But I’m getting ahead of myself.

We haven’t seen much of Selma yet, but clearly she’s hot (literally and figuratively), she’s pint-sized with huge fake boobs, and as we learned this episode, she only weighs 110 pounds. It seems like many people are annoyed she said this, but ladies, let’s be honest – if you weighed 110 lbs, you’d announce it on national TV, too.

Sean says he wants to see if Selma can “rough it” since she’s previously told him she gets misjudged as being prissy. The two “rough it” by taking a private jet to Joshua Tree—aka the desert and Iraqi comment—where they climb a rock so that Selma can fulfill the show’s requirement of having at least one person scared of heights so that she can “conquer her fear” and make some analogy about how she can get through anything with Sean at her side.

My favorite part? When they were standing on the rock looking out at the sunset. I feel like we’ve seen this before…

Next they go to a glorified trailer park where they lay on astro turf, look at the stars and whisper. Seriously though. Why are they whispering? Selma then drops the bomb that her family is super conservative and she doesn’t want to embarrass them by kissing Sean on national TV. 

Yes, that seems that logical... 

Sean basically tells us that he’s got Blue Balls because Selma’s a tease. “Her eyes are asking me to kiss her. Ahhhhh!” She gets the rose and they seal it with a hug. 

Cue Selma saying Sean is going to have to wait to kiss her until she’s “his only lady.” Sorry Selma, but you’re not going to get far with that attitude. Especially when we get to the part where these hoes all bed Sean, basically at the same time. I think Selma will make it to the final 5 or 6 before Sean tells her that his physical relationships are further developed and sends Selma packing.

Next up: the dreaded group date. Sean wants to test the “physicality” of the women—no joke, he used that word at least 100 times—and the ladies prep for a roller derby. 

Tierra’s ready to beat some ass, Amanda lies and says she used to play the sport, Robyn can’t stand up for more than .5 seconds, and Sarah cries about her unfair advantage, what with only having one arm. I’ve gotta go with Sarah on this one – roller skating is about balance and it’s hard to balance when you’re not even on both sides. Just sayin’. 

Eventually, Karma comes knockin’ and because she wore that hideous neon dress with flower shoulder pads while shooting daggers from her eyes not too long ago, Amanda takes a spill thinks she broke her jaw. 

Sean – aka the show’s lawyers – decide maybe this date is too dangerous and let’s just all skate around holding hands instead.

I noticed that all of these girls look very “fit”, despite those hideous uniforms. Side note: Has anyone else noticed that Tierrable Tierra (kudos to whoever said that last night in the episode) is the only one ever eating?  I wonder if she’ll gain weight like Chantal O. and Ali F., and if she does, will the dent in her forehead be the first place she gains? 

Speaking of those roller derby outfits, why was Jackie the only one wearing a helmet in her ITM? Or the better question: why is she still here?

I digress. The rest of the group date is boring, especially because Tierra hijacks it by saying that the other girls are torturing her and she’s going home. Here’s a hint Sean: Girls who say “girls don’t like me” and “I don’t like drama” means they’re a bitch who always starts shit. Sean gives Tierra a rose, and after smirking at the camera, she joins the group and they all go home.

Leslie H. gets the next one-on-one and it happens to be the “Pretty Woman” date, where Sean buys her diamonds, a hideous dress, sparkly shoes and a purse, all topped off with a 125-carat necklace that look horrific with previously stated items.  

Les is over the moon because she’s never gotten jewels from a boyfriend before. Probably because she’s never had a boyfriend. She also says “holy moly” not once, not twice, but THREE times that we saw. You sealed your fate right there, sister.

Despite the fact she’s literally sparkling, Sean doesn’t feel a spark and sends Leslie packing, but not before getting back his diamonds. In the words of Possessionista, “That awkward moment when your boyfriend dumps you and asks for the jewelry back.”

Leslie also tells us in the limo that she would have given back her diamond earrings if it meant spending  her time with Sean. See, Leslie, there's your issue right there. In the words of Kanye, Diamonds are Forever. The Bachelor and any couple associated with it, is not.

Cue preview we saw of Sean dropping a lone rose over the balcony as Ben Taylor plays to a crowd of no one.

At the rose ceremony, Lesley M. & Amanda stand out in bad way with their lipstick choices for the evening. My girl Catherine FINALLY gets some one-on-one time with Sean that they show us. Since the first episode, I’ve felt like Catherine is quirky, witty and calm and I could see her going far, but then they don’t show us any of her time with Sean, so it’s hard to tell. Then Robyn asks Sean if he wants to taste her chocolate and things get weird, fast.

Amanda and her "broken" jaw (read: TMJ) that she tried to cover with black lipstick go home.

I’ll be shocked if next week we don’t see Jackie, Robyn and Daniella go home.

Until next week, when paramedics make a second visit to see Tierra.

Thoughts this week?

SHARE: