Bachelor Recap: To The, Volume 2

Happy Tuesday, lovelies. I wrote this post last night - live blogging if you will - but I must have had too much wine with my Bachelor, because I forgot to hit publish.

Here's this week's Bachelor recap, in the form of "Letters to the Contestants."

To opening the show with Sean working out...again: "HOLY SHIT! Now THIS is something we've never seen before..." said no one ever, especially when watching the first two seconds of every episode of The Bachelor so far this season. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Get some new material. I'm not complaining, but..well no, I am, consider this a complaint.

To Lesley and Sean regarding their Guiness Record for longest kiss on screen: Apparently Sean felt Lesley's body "trembling," which is both weird and untrue. To say that you were both "lost in the moment" and "you forgot about the crowd..." First of all, I seriously doubt that. and I also seriously hope not. Who can block out a group of screaming tourists? And if that was you lost in the moment, I'd hate to see what you're like when it's just the two of you. You literally laughed the entire time you kissed and it was awkward for everyone.

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(Granted, I don't blame you. I don't think I could do that with my husband. Lips on lips for 3 straight minutes? No tongues? No groping? No thank you.) Also, this might be the only time when lasting 3 minutes is acceptable.

To the girls on the group volleyball date. Grown women, crying on a beach, wearing matching body paint and bikinis is one of the saddest things I have ever seen.

Speaking of those bikinis, I'm confident that if I were ever to go on The Bachelor—which, let's be honest, I would never do, mostly because I'm smart, oh and married—I could never wear these supplied swimsuits. My boobs and butt are both too big. I'd be like the one girl wearing a towel.

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Lastly, I think they had to rock paper scissors for a winner, because I truly don't believe anyone scored a real point the whole game. Terrible showing, ladies.

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To Kacie B.: Have you learned nothing from your previous "journey" on The Bachelor? (Obviously not, because you're here for a second time.)

That aside, You KNOW it's the kiss of Bachelor death to talk about other girls during "your time." When he asks you why you're getting involved, the drunken look on your face tells America that you know you are in fact, not involved and that it is not, in fact, affecting you. We can sum this up by saying when the Bachelor calls you cray to your face, girl...you cray.

You will not be getting a rose, if not for this incident, but because your rose ceremony dress looked like a wet suit. (Spoiler alert: I was right.)

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To Tierra's "fall" down the stairs:  Well played, Tierra. Clearly, you're the Michelle Money, Courtney Robertson, Justin Rego and Wes Hayden of this season. I just hope you don't think anyone believed you actually hurt yourself.

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To Leo:  You lucky dog, you. In case you're wondering, this is a literal remark, "Sean" apparently surprised Sarah by having her dog show up in a limo.

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Sean sent Kacie B., Taryn (the girl who doesn't compete for guys) and Kristy the model packing.

This doesn't have to do with this episode, but I'd just like to put it out there because the stair incident reminded me. Previews are never what they seem to be, am I right? For example, we saw the preview of Tierra & the paramedics no less than 100 times, leading us to believe that she got pushed down the stairs or some shit.

Remember the preview that shows a guy coming to knock on the door while Des and Sean are on a date? I'm calling it right now as a prank to get back at Sean for the stunt he pulled on their one-on-one. What do you guys think?

Until next week, when Robyn asks Sean if he wants to taste her chocolate, what were your favorite Bachelor moments?

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