I've been on my death bed since last Thursday and had to miss work yesterday. I was so stir-crazy by the time that 7pm rolled around, I was actually EXCITED to have something to do, like be entertained by the twits on The Bachelor and live blog. But after hearing JP refer to more than one of this chicks as his "special ones" and I was like:
So I shut my Blogger down and actually did work. Did you hear that? I WORKED instead of live blogging because that seemed like a better option than spending time thinking about these twats. So, of course this morning I took to Twitter to see what everyone else was saying and I've complied my favorites to share my thoughts on this week's episode. They're on point.
First up, we arrive in New Zealand and everyone's talking about how excited they are...
"I like this girl. I like this place." Juan Pablo is the human equivalent of the Lego "everything is awesome" song #bachelor
— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 11, 2014
A "slow boil" might be the worst relationship description I've ever heard. #TheBachelor
— Ashley S. (@AshleySpivey) February 11, 2014
Clare says she thinks things might erupt in New Zealand. Again? #bachelor
— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 11, 2014
Andi gets a one-on-one. PS I loved her one piece. She rocked it and I don't care what anyone says about that.
Andi and JuPa navigate through narrow, cold watery crevices. There may be leeches. It is the least romantic thing I can imagine. #Bachelor
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 11, 2014
Generally, when the locals direct you to take a woman to a place dubbed "the squeeze" romance isn't the endgame. #bachelor
— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 11, 2014
Andi says the date was "so cool." Juan Pablo says Andi is "so cool." Somewhere, a thesaurus throws itself off a cliff. #bachelor
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 11, 2014
A geyser blows. Andi gets spray in her face. So, basically, just your average date with Juan Pablo #bachelor
— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 11, 2014
So is this whole date a metaphor for ejaculation? #TheBachelor
— Ashley S. (@AshleySpivey) February 11, 2014
Actual line from The Bachelor: "It's so ironic to be standing next to a geyser, because our chemistry is bursting as well." No. Stop.
— Elise Foley (@elisefoley) February 11, 2014
Juan Pablo whips out a rose for Andi. "She wants love. She wants a family. Just like me." And every other woman on the show. #bachelor
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 11, 2014
Group date: Everyone except Clare and Andi go on the group date. A pretty cool one, too. One that involved huge balls and sheep poop. And the rest of night, we see JP gross kisses EVERYONE. And he sends Cassandra home. ON HER BIRTHDAY!
Manscarves + turtlenecks = no tingly lady parts ever. #TheBachelor
— Ashley S. (@AshleySpivey) February 11, 2014
Cassandra wants to "open up to him in a way she's never opened up before." Cue the spurting geyser! #Bachelor
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 11, 2014
Nikki says she just wants her happy ending. She and Juan Pablo have so much in common. #bachelor
— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 11, 2014
I like you. Why? Because. I like you. How much? A lot. - Nikki and Juan Pablo's if they met in 3rd grade. #bachelor
— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 11, 2014
"How are you?" "Good." "That's good." *suck face suck face* "You cut right to the chase, don't you?" JP (dazed): "Wass dat?" #bachelor
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 11, 2014
Tip: don't ever lead with the tongue #TheBachelor
— Arie Luyendyk Jr. (@ariejr) February 11, 2014
It's OK, Cassandra. Most of us spent our 22nd bday hanging out with a dude who was hooking up with 5 other girls. #TheBachelor
— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) February 11, 2014
"You're one of my special oneS"…there are so many things wrong with this statement. #princessprobz #TheBachelor
— Princess Problems (@PrincessProbz) February 11, 2014
Happy birthday and go F yourself #TheBachelor
— J.P. Rosenbaum (@JP_Rosenbaum) February 11, 2014
The parallels between Juan Pablo and Sean Penn's character from "I Am Sam" are uncanny...on all levels. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/Yw6xFgpzur
— Sarah Chesley (@SarahChesley10) February 11, 2014
Sir Sharleen gets the rose. Clare's one-on-one:
Pretty ballsy to set up a date with Clare next to a body of water, Juan Pablo. #TheBachelor
— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) February 11, 2014
The push-the-hair-behind-her-ears is really Juan Pablo's go-to move. That and plunging his tongue into any available mouth. #bachelor
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 11, 2014
We're seeing them makeout more now than we did in the ocean. Yet Juan Pablo doesn't care because...they're not in the ocean? #TheBachelor
— Bachelor Burn Book (@bachelorburnbk) February 11, 2014
Hey Clare, put these Pajama bottoms on. its ok we'll just kiss. #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/n72VKimDqL
— William Holman (@WilliamFHolman) February 11, 2014
Chris Harrison finally shows up for some man to man time.
Is @chrisbharrison like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense, and only Juan Pablo can see him? #TheBachelor
— Jason Biggs (@JasonBiggs) February 11, 2014
Rose ceremony time and Kat goes home. Womp womp.
No spoilers. Judging just by watching, I'd say Juan Pablo's brain wants Rene, heart wants Sharleen and pecker wants Clare #bachelor
— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) February 11, 2014
I actually don't see Juan Pablo marrying one of the girls... #TheBachelor
— Carolina Mejia (@carolinamejiaa) February 11, 2014
That does it for me kids. I"m not sure what Chelsea is doing here, seems to me he has much more of a connection with the other 4, so methinks my top 4 still stands with Clare, Nikki, Andi and Renee. Still pulling for Andi/Renee over the other two.
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ReplyDelete^^ Ugh I pressed "Publish" too soon :(...
ReplyDeleteHahaha this was so funny! Sometimes other tweeps do such a great job at recapping stuff that I let them do all the talking.
You had me at Reality Steve b/c that's exactly what I did weeks ago and now I can happily stay away from the show... Well, for a few days, at least, since we now want to watch the remaining eps to see the early "signs" of what he predicted. I may or may not recap this week's episode on my blog (sounds like nothing "interesting" happened in this one :/).
All of this = my thoughts exactly. Those tweets are hilarious, and everything is so spot on. I'm getting pretty tired of watching JP frolic around with everyone while making out and being confused my American euphemisms. It was cute for like 5 minutes and now I just want the hometown dates to come so I have some new people to watch. UGH.
ReplyDeleteI wish he would get rid of Sharleen already. But I really can't stand Clare. She is ALL over JP all the time. Get a room.
ReplyDeletehaha omygosh I love all those tweets. I was kinda looking forward to this season because I didn't even finish Des's because I was bored out of my mind but JP just seems to want to make out with everyone and then pretend he doesn't and he is a good wholesome guy but we all know he is loving having this many girls and I'm just not feeling it anymore but I'll continue to watch.
ReplyDeleteSean ruined me, I don't think any season will ever be as good as his.