To The: Huffington Post Edition

As many of you know, I recently had the privilege of becoming a blogger for the Huffington Post. What that means is, I have my own platform on the back-end where I can submit blogs for them to say "yay" or "nay." I've been lucky to have three blogs published so far, all of which were previously published here.

My most recent blog, "The Parenting Cliche I Cannot Stand," generated quite a conversation. I knew it would, but didn't anticipate the reach. The first time it was posted on Facebook, it got 3,421 likes, 759 shares and 237 comments. The second time, it was 328 likes, 83 shares and 25 comments. On the actual article, it got great engagement, too:

So, all in all, lots of likes, tons of shares, and lots of comments. Of which I read every single one.

And I've got to say - the comments were fascinating. Majority of people sharing and commenting on it were saying "THANK GOD SOMEONE IS TALKING ABOUT THIS!" or "AMEN!" or "Thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone." All sentiments that tie back to why I love to write.

But everyone else? What a bunch of miserable people, and parents. Seriously.

I suppose me writing that only goes to support their arguments that if I don't want to hear what other people have to say, I shouldn't have a blog or "post my shit on Facebook." 

But, honestly - why does parenthood have to be so polarizing? Why do people feel like their way is the right way? Or feel like it's OK to put other people down? Or just be plain mean? And judgmental?

I don't get it.

As much I would have liked to tell many of the commenters to "Fuck off" directly, I figured that'd be poor form. So I'm going to passive aggressively tell them to fuck off here, where they likely won't see it.  

To this genius:

"35 weeks? How about your child is almost 3 years old."

I'm not the best at math, but I'm pretty sure there are about 52 weeks in a year. I hope you don't have to use math or simple, every day knowledge to get through each day.


To this insightful lad: 

"I feel like this author needs more sleep. Geez." 

Ummm, yep. Pretty much the gist.

To this dumbass: 

"This is just plain stupid and obviously written by a first time mom of a still a baby. My daughter was such a hard baby. She woke up every hour screaming at me for an hour then would make me bleed. She didn't sleep through the night until 1 year. And age 3 was the worst. And my boys were 18 months apart. My middle son was colic. Now my daughter is 11 and my middle son is starting kindergarten. And I know with a blink of an eye they will all be adults. I wonder where the time went and if I could do it all over again even without the sleep. I would love to snuggle my crying baby girl at night again. I would in a heartbeat. And imagine a mom of all grown children reading this or one who has lost a child. So I agree with the comment not this ridiculous petty blog post from someone with little experience. What a bad attitude on parenthood. Sheesh."

So many things. The first being, I'm willing to bet that when you were in the thick of those experiences - YOUR experiences - you were not enjoying it all. It's easy to look back on those times now that your kids are older and say you'd "snuggle at night again in a heartbeat." That's the way hindsight and perspective works. But at the time I wrote this, I wasn't there. If I get there on my own journey as a parent, I'll let you know. But your feelings/experiences are yours, and mine are mine. 

As for the bit about imagining a mom of grown children reading or one who has lost a child - first, many mothers of grown children did read this and comment and agree. So there's that. And for the women who read who had lost a child - I'm so very sorry for their loss. But that loss and experience is not the same and can't be compared to what I was experiencing at the time I wrote this.

Finally: I have a bad attitude on parenthood? Did you read your comment, or? 

To this moron: 

"Get a life- there are people in the world with real problems." 

Why don't you get a life, and spend your time doing something better and more productive than writing nasty comments on a blog, you troll! 

To this kind mama: 

"I wish I could dissolve the negative comments and tell you that your post really hit home. I shared it on my wall and it was doubly irritating when the people who commented clearly missed the point. We love our children with every ounce of our being. But it doesn't mean we love musical beds at night, especially when we have to function the next day and the days after that. I squeeze all the hugs I can get now. I bring them into bed with us just so I can spend more time with them even if it means while we sleep. I will miss so many things, their smell, their laugh, their cuddles, etc. The poop running down my leg, the over tired toddler who slaps me in the face, the baby who dips his hand in the food only to immediately grab my newly washed hair (ok that one maybe a little), the crying fits in the car when we all just want to reach our destination, etc....... I will gladly look in the rear view mirror on those. Thank you for writing this and letting me know I'm not alone. Hugs to you!

Thank you for this. You are the kind of person I hoped I would reach, and the kind of feedback I hoped I would get. You hit the nail on the head, and thank you for your support.

To this ass-hat: 

"Sounds like your in need of counseling, if not for you then for your Baby!"

Thank you for the laugh! I needed it.

To you, my friend:

"Thank you for writing this. I too cried as I read the final lines because you have described motherhood exactly as it is."

I cried when I read your comment because it made me feel so good!

To you, Negative Nancy:

"Maybe you shouldn't post shit about your kid on Facebook. No one wants to read it anyways. Problem solved."

Which part of a FB status that reads "For Lent I'm giving up sleep, #newmom" references anything about my child? What's that? It doesn't? It only talks about my own lack of sleep? K, thanks, bye!

To you, Mommy War advocate:

"Babies can't manipulate you our use you as a pacifier. That's a cliché. And a myth. Put forth since formula feeding became a norm."

You're the reason that "mommy wars" exist. I didn't say a word about being manipulated, and the bit about using my boob as a pacifier? You bet your ass that my baby would at times only sleep if my boob was in his mouth. He was not eating. So, sorry, but to me, that's the same effect as a pacifier. Take your judgement and move along.

To the most miserable person ever:

"Another in an endless tirade of victimhood by parents who take offense at every interaction that they themselves haven't pre-approved or scripted. Why write a blog if you don't want people to comment? Go through life and grade every social interaction as not good enough and be miserable all of the time. That's your choice."

I love this comment so much. I don't really have much to say in response, except that the post and it's entirety went completely over this person's head, and if that's what she picked up, then I'm guessing it's a reflection of her own feelings of parenthood.

To this ignorant ass:

"What did she think before she became a mother...that the baby was just going to be this cute little person that lies around in a onesie all day? Boo hoo she loses some sleep - she is supposed to be molding and a life...losing a little sleep should be the least of her problems."

While I admit my version of being a mom was slightly romanticized, I was not naive enough to think that I would be getting a lot of sleep at the outset. I certainly underestimated how hard it was going to be though. Good news for you, asshole, I am molding a life and doing so while getting a full night's rest these days. Fuck off.

To this jackass:

"Get over it. Stop writing a blog. You are not the first woman to have a baby."

WHAATTT!?? Stop it. I don't believe you.

To Peggy:

I think if there are 'many days and nights' where you are breaking down and crying you should ask those around you for help. It should not be this terrible. Good Luck

You must not remember the complete hormonal imbalance that your body goes through after having a baby. I won't apologize for being supremely emotional in those early weeks of being a new mom, and being overwhelmed with happiness, responsibility and with love. Sometimes my "break downs" were crying out of pure joy. Other times it was because I was clueless. Never because it was terrible. I have a tribe of help around me that I go to when I need it.

To Miserable Melvin:

You made them, deal with it. In a few years that kid won't be able to stand the sound of YOUR voice. By the time they are teens, you will be the dumbest most worrisome person on Earth. 

So what you're saying is, your kids really like you, huh? Worry about your your own relationships with your children, and don't prophesize what mine will be like.

But mostly, to this woman:

"I think it is time we all stop judging ourselves based on other's opinions of how motherhood should look. If you are loving your child, caring for your child, providing for all of your child's needs, and doing your best to contribute positively to their life, then you are doing exactly what a parent should. I am sure there are and will be some who comment negatively and often downright nastily, just let those go. Your words are true for you and so many others and it is refreshing to read them."

Thank you. That is perspective that I can appreciate, that is support, which is what so many other comments were not.

Ahh, hate mail. Gotta love it.

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To The: Pregnant Edition

It's been SO LONG since I've done a "To The" post, I almost forgot that this was even a "thing" around here for a while.

I hate to have everything I blog lately be baby-/pregnancy-related, but can you blame me? This is the life I've been living for the past 38 weeks and 5 days. Not that I'm counting. Maybe I'm turning into a mommy blogger...

In that time, I have read, heard and seen things that you would not believe. Some of them you would, because if you've been pregnant, it's probably happened to you, or you know someone it happened to. Or maybe you are one of the offenders. Oh and #sorryimnotsorry for the swearing.

To the bitches who only gain 20 lbs or less, don't swell or have trouble sleeping, pain, carpal tunnel, backaches, headaches, etc. Fuck you. I say that with love and jealousy in my heart.

To the carpal tunnel and arthritis that have taken over my hands, fingers and wrists: you are the devil. May someone somewhere find a cure for you in the near future.

To the people who said WOW! back when September when I told them I'm not due until December. Is that, "wow! You look great!" ? Or "wow, you're really big and still have a while to go!" ? I'll go with the latter since people are assholes.

To the people who tell me, "You look great!" without even really looking at me, but just know that's what you say to a very pregnant woman: I love you.

To my previously big, but now porn-star-sized boobs: Before we were pregnant, you were DD's. Your current size is one I won't reveal. I shudder to think what you will look like when "engorged" after my milk comes in. If you don't do what you're supposed to and feed the kid,  my threats of downsizing you will come true sooner than we all thought.

To my legs that look like they belong to a 500 lb woman. I have approximately 10 pairs of cute boots made for the fall/winter,  yet I can only zip ONE of you around my swollen legs. This makes it difficult to fulfill my fantasies of being an adorable preggo who lives in leggings, cardigans, scarves and boots.

To my squished internal organs: You're making it difficult to eat, breathe and poop on a regular basis. Yet somehow I need to do all of these things to survive and keep the baby inside me kicking. Let's look alive, and try to get back to our normal positions soon, yes?

To the people who judge me for drinking caffeine or a glass of wine, and for eating soft cheeses or deli meat that I haven't heated up: Ask me if I give a shit what you think. 

To the stranger who not once, but twice, but BOTH hands on my belly and exclaimed, "I love babies!" I made it so far into my pregnancy without this happening and now you've ruined my perfect record. Take those grabby hands and go touch someone else's stomach.

To the people who ask me when I'm due and I respond with, "I'm not pregnant." I'm sorry. I'm just so sick of all the questions, it's become more fun to fuck with you. But since you asked, I'm due next week.

To my cervix, which my doctor told me today was like "Fort Knox." Please, I beg of you. Respond to the primrose oil, raspberry leaf tea, walking, massages, pedicures and sex and OPEN THE FUCK UP. This kid needs a way out, like yesterday.

To the women at work, who every morning exclaim, "You're still here!" in shock and awe. Yep. Still here. Still pregnant. Still feeling miserable. Thanks for reminding me.

To the kid who will come out as a result of all this: I have faith you'll be worth it.

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"I Can't Control My Eyebrow!" and Other Tierra Quotes

You guys. I don’t know how many more of these recaps I can muster. Especially because nearly all the funny things to recap about this season left in the minivan with Tierra’s eyebrow—and sparkle.

More on that later.

I’m sorry I’m a day late with this post – I had every intention of finishing it last night, but important things like Happy Hour and an impromptu sleepover with my girlfriend prevented such happenings.

Finally, the girls and Sean are going somewhere that appendages won’t fall off when exposed for longer than 30 seconds. Am I the only one who noticed how extremely tan all of these people were? They just came from Canada or Alaska or some other polar destination, and suddenly they all look like they’ve been baking on the beach all season. Obviously, I’m jealous.

All of the dates were pretty boring this week, and the good stuff didn’t happen until later. Drama ensued from the get-go when Tierra, being the little bitch that she is, decides she can’t possibly stand to sleep in the same room as the other girls, so she sets up a cot in another room. #NoOneCared.

AshLee (capital A, capital H) gets the first one-on-one, which ends being the Bachelor Classic: I’m on a boat, Motherf*$!ker! The two rolled around making out on the beach for awhile, but not before 3 important moments:

• AshLee gives Sean all the dirt he’s been looking for on Tierra. I thought for sure AshLee would fall victim to the Bachelor curse of girls talking about other girls, but alas, Sean appreciated her honesty.
• She reveals she has a huge secret. She’s worried it will break she and Sean, she just wants to say it and move on, there was just something she had to tell him, and it was really hard for her to say, so here it comes…I mean the build up was absurd. Was I alone in guessing that she had either killed someone or had a kid? I mean, she IS ancient at 32, you guys,  so she HAS to have a kid by now (according to Tierra). Turns out her huge secret was that she got married and divorced at 17 in an act of rebellion. Guess what? #NoOneCared.
• With the weight of the world off her shoulders, AshLee stands on a chair and I immediately think, “Don’t do it, don’t do it!” Guess what? She did it. She yelled “I LOVE SEAN!” while still standing on a chair. Call me crazy, but the first time a man hears those words should not be with someone SCREAMING them at you, and they should not be spoken while wearing flower hammer pants.

Tierra gets her coveted 1-on-1 and I think she might have made actual Bachelor history by being the only woman ever to complain about it. Nothing sounds worse to her than wandering around in the heat and bugs with her makeup sweating off.

Tierra puts on her happy face, cut-off jean shorts and belly shirt and she and Sean skip around the city, where Sean buys her “everything a girl could want on a first date,” like shell necklaces and metal wire. Then, “All of a sudden, music starts blasting and a parade is headed in our direction!" Mmm hmm.

The group date with Lindsay, Desiree and Catherine is pretty boring, despite having a super cool concept. Sean wakes them up to watch the sunrise and spend the rest of the day jumping tree houses to the other side of island to catch the sunset. Of which, there was none. #WampWamp

Couple comments on Catherine:

• Talk about a sob story. First she watches her friend get killed by a tree, then her dad tries to commit suicide in front of her? What bothers me is her lack of emotion when she shares this stuff. I can’t tell if it’s creepy or admirable.
• Why is she always wearing a cover-up? During the group date, she was the only one wearing a towel, and when she and the girls were on the beach, she was the only one wearing a dress while we all drooled over the other girl rocked their six-packs. 

Lesley gets the last 1-on-1 and starts off by telling us that even though she’s “known Sean for awhile now,” she still gets butterflies when she sees him. Um, honey. It’s been what, 5 weeks? Also, I still get butterflies when I see my hubby and I’ve known him 13 years. (Awwwww!)

•  They basically go avocado picking.
• I appreciate her pretty much saying that anyone who comes on this show and says they’re in love after a few dates is an idiot. But then she admits to being an idiot, too.
• She goes home. Too bad, I liked Les. (But LesBeHonest, I didn’t like her more than Catherine. Ba dum bump.)

Now that all the boring dates are over, we’re back at the house for the good stuff. While Sean gets some sisterly advice—GOOD sisterly advice at that, aka, don’t choose the bitch—Tierra confronts AshLee about “sabotaging” her relationship with Sean.

We should make Tierra T-Shirts from the amount of one-liners from this part:

Tierra's T Shirts by rzupek featuring rag & bone.

In a convenient move by ABC, Sean conveniently goes over to the house during World War 2, where he finds Tierra in the isolation room—on her cot—and SURPRISE! She’s crying about how hard this is for her and tells us (not for the first time) that she has a big heart. She even goes so far as to say that AshLee is clearly out to get her. Yes, I’m so sure that Little Orphan Hottie, who seems to be the most upset by the fact that you do not say GOOD MORNING to her, is out to get you. Seems plausible.

When Sean says he’ll be right back, I held my breath hoping to all that is Holy that he was not going to get a rose. Instead, we watched Sean grow a pair right before our eyes as finally realizes, Tierra is not the one for him.

#Hallelujah.

Sean is even smart enough to make it seem like he’s doing this for Tierra’s own good. “I’m crazy about you, but I think it might be better for you if you go home.”

I’ve gotta say, I was a little disappointed in Tierra’s exit. I was hoping for more screaming, yelling, punching, and her saying all kinds of demeaning things to Sean. Instead, all we got was fake tears, something about how no one would take her sparkle, and a producer texting on his BlackBerry in an act of boredom. Who thinks Tierra is going straight to Bachelor Pad?

Next week: Hometowns! I still think the previews of Des and her brother will turn out to be some kind of prank on Sean, but we’ll see.

Looks like I was pretty close on my initial guess for the final four. I initially guessed Lesley in the final four, so I was off on AshLee. My prediction for who goes home next week? Lindsay or Desiree.

Thoughts?

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Bachelor Recap: Goat's Milk in Montana

The episode opens and - GASP - Sean is not shirtless or pantless! We immediately cut to a shot with a helicopter though, so it's pretty much all the same to me.

The ladies are told they are going on a worldwide adventure for love with Sean. First stop: MONTANA! Seasons past we've gone to Thailand, Europe, all over the Caribbean...And these girls get Montana? Stop, you're too kind. Apparently we're going here because Sean wants to "test" the women—because he hasn't already done that with dates that include jumping off a building, climbing a huge rock or roller derby. 

Lindsay gets the one-on-one, but not before some girl we've barely seen tells us she misses her boyfriend.

I'm excited about this date. I've liked Lindsay from the get-go, despite the whole wearing a wedding dress thing. She seems very sweet and easy going, obviously with a good sense of humor. We don't get to see much of their date, though, and what we do see is a tad boring. Why does Lindsay's voice waver so much? It makes it seem like she's about to start crying. Oh well, Sean was on board and, she gets the rose.

Back at the house, we find out Jackie and Tierra will be on the dreaded two-on-one. Tierrable is as "happy as a little bumblebee filled with honey," says AshLee — aka, "Little Orphan Hottie," according to Zach. (Have you ever read his recaps? They are to. die.)

Before the date even takes place, I know Jackie's going home. No one can compete with a manipulative B like Tierrable. Also, we know something "happens" to Tierra in the next episode, so she's obviously sticking around.

Back on Lindsay's one-on-one, Sean and Lindsay attend what seems like the season's fourth "amazing" private concert. Man, they are really pulling out all the stops this season. By the way, who in the F is Sarah Darling??

The group date involves some type of weird farm challenge including canoe races and not only milking a goat, but chugging the goat's milk. Can't wait to see what PETA thinks about this. Losers go home. Turns out Sarah w/one arm can carry a bale of hay with the best of 'em (You go girl) and little Ms. Joey Potter Jr. (Des) really knows her way around a goat's nipple and chugs the goat milk for a win.

Lesley is pissed off at her team of weak losers (her words, not mine). Wamp wamp, a team stacked with 3 of my faves go home. BUT, Sean decides to get crazy and "break all the rules" and invite the blue team back to the group date. Now red team is pissed, especially Robyn, but no one is more pissed than Tierra.

As she furiously writes curses on the girls writes in her journal (?) she realizes that it's just not fair that Sean is leading her on and bringing her on a 2-on-1, so she is off — in a stolen blue flannel from the blue team to disguise herself? — to "surprise" Sean on his date with all the other ladies.

This bitch is unfuckingbelieveable. This makes two dates she has hijacked, and this time, she basically tells Sean he better make the right decision - OR ELSE. Dun dun dun.

The rest of the group date is uneventful – basically, everyone is pissed about something, especially girl we've never seen before, who starts crying during her one-on-one with Sean because she saw my girl Catherine sitting on his lap. Ugh. Obviously, she gets the rose, because if we've learned anything this season, it's that all you have to do is cry, injure yourself, or be insecure and automatically, Sean gives you a rose. God this show is lame.

Finally, it's the moment we've all been waiting for and Jackie & Tierrable are off on their date with Sean.

Tierra's curse worked, so Jackie uses her one-on-one time with Sean tell him what a bitch Tierra is, thinking she will be the one woman in Bachelor history to get through to a guy about one girl's "true" intentions and he will just take her word for it and send her packing. See ya, Jackie.

Tierra, her eyebrow and forehead dent use this time to tell a story about her last boyfriend who passed away after a battle with drug & alcohol addiction. Now, I'm not calling bullshit on this story quite yet. If it's true — and really, why would someone lie about something like this (Manti Te'O) ? — then it's sad and perhaps does explain 0.005% of her crazy. But I just don't get why this the first time we've heard anything about this? For whatever reason, it's all making sense for Sean, who as predicted, sends Jackie home.

Cut to Tierra maniacally laughing.

At the rose ceremony, more drama ensues with the girls. Robyn threatens to go "bad girls club" on Tierra's ass, Sean tries to get Lesley to spill the truth about Tierra, and Tierra goes batshit crazy on Robyn. Thankfully, Sean catches a small glimpse of Tierra's behavior and wants to find out more about why she's acting this way. Tierra again tells Sean that she is drama-free, has a huge fight, and can't figure out why the girls are so mean to her.

I am so fucking sick of the Villians on this show. It's always the same - I hate drama, girls don't like me, it's not me, it's all 15 of them.

Sean: Let's think for a minute. So far this season, you've had several girls "warn" you about Tierra. She has hijacked your date more than once. She has complained to hell and back about how hard this is for her, and how awful the girls are. She has thrown herself downstairs, given herself hypothermia...any drama in the house has one common denominator: Tierra. You're right though, she is just having a really hard time with this and you have to be sensitive to that. Barf.

Robyn gets sent home, which we all knew was coming.

My top five:

1. Catherine
2. Des
3. AshLee
4. Lesley
5. Lindsay

See you again tonight for ANOTHER episode of Tierra's tirades!

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Bachelor Recap: To The, Volume 2

Happy Tuesday, lovelies. I wrote this post last night - live blogging if you will - but I must have had too much wine with my Bachelor, because I forgot to hit publish.

Here's this week's Bachelor recap, in the form of "Letters to the Contestants."

To opening the show with Sean working out...again: "HOLY SHIT! Now THIS is something we've never seen before..." said no one ever, especially when watching the first two seconds of every episode of The Bachelor so far this season. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Get some new material. I'm not complaining, but..well no, I am, consider this a complaint.

To Lesley and Sean regarding their Guiness Record for longest kiss on screen: Apparently Sean felt Lesley's body "trembling," which is both weird and untrue. To say that you were both "lost in the moment" and "you forgot about the crowd..." First of all, I seriously doubt that. and I also seriously hope not. Who can block out a group of screaming tourists? And if that was you lost in the moment, I'd hate to see what you're like when it's just the two of you. You literally laughed the entire time you kissed and it was awkward for everyone.

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(Granted, I don't blame you. I don't think I could do that with my husband. Lips on lips for 3 straight minutes? No tongues? No groping? No thank you.) Also, this might be the only time when lasting 3 minutes is acceptable.

To the girls on the group volleyball date. Grown women, crying on a beach, wearing matching body paint and bikinis is one of the saddest things I have ever seen.

Speaking of those bikinis, I'm confident that if I were ever to go on The Bachelor—which, let's be honest, I would never do, mostly because I'm smart, oh and married—I could never wear these supplied swimsuits. My boobs and butt are both too big. I'd be like the one girl wearing a towel.

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Lastly, I think they had to rock paper scissors for a winner, because I truly don't believe anyone scored a real point the whole game. Terrible showing, ladies.

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To Kacie B.: Have you learned nothing from your previous "journey" on The Bachelor? (Obviously not, because you're here for a second time.)

That aside, You KNOW it's the kiss of Bachelor death to talk about other girls during "your time." When he asks you why you're getting involved, the drunken look on your face tells America that you know you are in fact, not involved and that it is not, in fact, affecting you. We can sum this up by saying when the Bachelor calls you cray to your face, girl...you cray.

You will not be getting a rose, if not for this incident, but because your rose ceremony dress looked like a wet suit. (Spoiler alert: I was right.)

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To Tierra's "fall" down the stairs:  Well played, Tierra. Clearly, you're the Michelle Money, Courtney Robertson, Justin Rego and Wes Hayden of this season. I just hope you don't think anyone believed you actually hurt yourself.

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To Leo:  You lucky dog, you. In case you're wondering, this is a literal remark, "Sean" apparently surprised Sarah by having her dog show up in a limo.

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Sean sent Kacie B., Taryn (the girl who doesn't compete for guys) and Kristy the model packing.

This doesn't have to do with this episode, but I'd just like to put it out there because the stair incident reminded me. Previews are never what they seem to be, am I right? For example, we saw the preview of Tierra & the paramedics no less than 100 times, leading us to believe that she got pushed down the stairs or some shit.

Remember the preview that shows a guy coming to knock on the door while Des and Sean are on a date? I'm calling it right now as a prank to get back at Sean for the stunt he pulled on their one-on-one. What do you guys think?

Until next week, when Robyn asks Sean if he wants to taste her chocolate, what were your favorite Bachelor moments?

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To The: Bachelor Edition

Happy Tuesday, kids.

I’m long overdue for a good old “To the” and by golly, there are enough from the first two episodes of that little show called The Bachelor (that I can’t seem to quit watching, no matter how horrible it is) to go around.

What is it with this show? It’s seriously like a fatal car accident — you don’t want to look, but you’ve never seen a dead body before.

Bottom line, these girls are cray cray and I. Love. It. Sit, back, grab a glass of wine, and relax folks. This is gonna be a long one.

To the opening montage on the first episode: We get it: Sean is the perfect, All-American man. He’s family-driven, he’s from the South, he has an amazing body, blond hair and blue eyes. But did you think that showing him cutting strawberries would add to that image? Note: It didn’t.

To the 25 women who signed up to be on the Bachelor: Have you never watched a single season of this show before? Do you honestly, sincerely think it’s going to be different for you?

To the one woman who signed up for this show a SECOND time: Kacie B., you learned the hard way last season. Yet here you are, again. You said last season, “Love like this comes along once in a lifetime.” Well, see, that's interesting, since you’re here…again. My money says you will lose…again.

To the girl who dressed and spoke like she was the Little Mermaid (Ashley H.): You’re also a clone of Princess Jasmine. Pick a freakin’ character. And while you’re at it, learn to speak. I couldn’t understand a GD word out of your mouth; I needed subtitles.

To the girl who fell trying to do a backbend coming out of the limo (Robyn): Sucks to be you, but kudos for not showing your vagine. Also, kudos for being the black girl to ask Sean if he likes black girls. Way to get an automatic rose.

To the girl with one arm (Sarah): We get it. You have one arm. I think you seem like a semi-normal girl, though your voice is a bit whiney, but I do wish the producers would let you talk about something else. Also, you said you are falling in love with Sean. You have been on one date.

To the model, Kristy: Are you a model? You’ve never said before.

To the other model, Amanda: I can’t tell if you’ll be around long enough to be the next “Courtney,” but I hope so. You seem like one nasty bitch.

To the girl who cried on the first night because she is not used to competing for a man and she's usually the one who’s approached (Taryn): I’m rolling my eyes so far back in my head, I look like the little girl on Poltergeist. Go cry to someone who cares, and who is not also competing against 25 other women. Again, I ask, have you ever seen this show? YOU’RE ON THE BACHELOR. Do something.

To “Fifty Shades of” Ashley P.: No one wants to tie you up with, let alone wear or touch, a neck tie that’s been stuffed down your cleavage and is likely wet with boob sweat, champagne and later, your tears.

To the girl who did not wear shoes the first night (Katie): Again: have you ever watched this show? Nasty shit goes down in this mansion, wear shoes at all times! No shirt, no shoes, no…well, I guess that doesn’t really apply here. Also, you need some frizz control tips from Kacie B.

To the final four: I haven’t read any spoilers this season, but I’m calling you now as Desiree, Lindsay, Catherine and Lesley.

To the helicopter: You are so last season.

Thoughts so far on this season? Who do you think makes the final four?

 

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To the Volume 3

The last time you heard from me, I was in a pretty lousy mood. Luckily, several things have happened between then and now that have turned my mood around. (I just typed that to the tune of "Turn the Beat Around." Wow.)

Namely, some really exciting things happened for me at work. Plus, over the weekend my bestie made an impromptu visit, which can cheer me up any day. In any case, I'm long overdue for one of my more popular blog posts. Ladies and gents, without further adieu, I give you To The, Volume 3.

To the
TV show Awkward. This is one of the most underrated shows on television. It's full of some the most hilarious and inappropriate one-liners ever. Example: "Tonight I'm breaking all the rules — and my hymen." I mean...

For reals though, you know all the times I say "you're welcome," in this blog? You know all the times YOU say "you're welcome" in YOUR blogs, social media sites and in your little brain? That comes from Awkward, people! From Sadie Saxton to be exact. It even has its own hashtag on Twitter. Seriously, go watch. #YoureWelcome.

To the
people who misuse the word 'literally.' You're the worst kind of people. Literally. By definition, literally means “in a literal or strict sense.’’It is NOT a synonym for 'actually' or 'really' or 'seriously.' For example, when someone says, "I was so scared, I literally died!" Well, no, you didn't literally die, because you just told me that story, which means you're alive. I get that people use it for impact, and it IS funny, I admit. But only when you know you're using it incorrectly.

To the
girls who go into the stall next to me and/or talk to me while I'm peeing. What is your problem? Question: if there are three empty stalls and I go to the one on the far left, which one should you go in? Answer: Not the middle one. Question: At what point did I make it seem like I wanted to have a confessional during tinkle time in the bathroom? Answer: Never.

To that point. To the to people who are clearly pooping in the bathroom when I come in and who just sit there, waiting for me to leave before continuing with their business: You've been sitting there for so long quietly squeezing your cheeks, you're not fooling anyone. Obviously you don't need to pee. Just let it go. Everyone Poops. A book told me so.

To the
gin buckets I had last weekend. I'm going to go ahead and not post the video my sister took of me vomiting the next morning.

To the
presidential election. Are you over yet? I don't spout political opinions, but I cannot listen to another idiotic word come from Mittens' mouth.

To the
fall. You are my favorite. I love everything about you from football and tailgating to boots and sweaters to leaves changing to Halloween to Thanksgiving to cooler weather.

To the people who don't shower daily. I don't judge you. It's more like envy.

To the
sock bun. I love you. I never really understood you before, but then my co-worker showed me the amazingness of your ways. Exhibit A:

 me, my bestie, and my sock bun!

To the  
lady who gave me a seat on the train on the way home from work with the caveat of "I've been sitting all day." So have I, biotch. What, because I want to continue sitting on my commute home, you're better than me?

To the
taco pizza. You are the best thing that was ever created. Specifically, the kind from Happy Joe's, but the kind from Casey's (yes the gas station) and Pizza Ranch are a close second. Try it. You'll thank me. #YoureWelcome.

To the people who stand next to me on the El platform, even though the entire thing is open. You might as well sit next to me in the bathroom stall. See above.

Who or what is on your "to the" list?

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To The...Volume 2

Happy Thursday, folks! It's an especially happy Thursday for me. I have about 2 hours of work today, then we are headed to Wrigley Field for our company outing. On Friday, I am headed to Denver! I'll be meeting 4 of my BFF's and my sister to celebrate on of my dear friends' bachelorette. It should be a weekend filled of fun, sun, wine, penis memorabilia, Wiz Khalifa and a little game called "Dick Head Hoopla."

Are you jealous? Get excited for my weekend update!

Anyway, I've conjured up another list of revelations (or rants, whichever you prefer). Without further adieu, I bring you "to the," numero dos.

To the... 

Guy on the train with his bike. You have a bike...but you're on the train. What's wrong with this picture? BYE. 

To the... 

Woman with a permanent scowl on her face. I'm sure there is more than one of you in this world, but I'm talking to a specific gal who had the most unpleasant look on her face the entire time she was on the train the other day. Honestly, it looked like she was smelling the worst fart in the world. Take it from someone who is consistently told to smile more: Smile more.

Source: VHl. No clue who this is but her scowl sucks.

To the... 

Hairline of Teresa Giudice, of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. I'm new to your franchise, and I'm fascinated, not just by the show but by YOU, hairline. I've never seen anything like you. You're hideous and hilarious all at once. Another inch, hairline, and you become her eyebrows. I can't understand, but please, remedy yourself.

Source:

thismonthonly.blogspot.com

To the...

Girls out there who are dressed to the nines when going to the gym. When I go to the gym, I grace everyone with the privilege of seeing me in some type of Lycra, a giant t-shirt that likely belongs to my husband, three sports bras, and my hair back, in a sweaty mess (yes, I sweat on my way TO the gym, SHUT UP). 

So to you, chick with your hair "casually" curled in a "messy" ponytail that fell "just so" over your shoulder, in the trendy neon v-neck that showed just enough of your boobs to make me wonder if they were real but to let me know that you were NOT wearing a sports a bra, complete with a fresh face of make-up: Stop it. You're ruining it for the rest of us.

To the...

People who let their dog crap on the sidewalk...and then don't pick it up. You're sick. Do better. 

That was a contribution from my bestie, Britt. You're welcome.

To the...

Concept of time. I have none. So please, slow down, and give me some time to catch up.

To the...

People at Bic, who thought Bic Pens 'For Her' were a good idea. You're a bunch of D's. One 'breemeup,' took the words right out of my mouth in her review, which was voted 'most favorable' on Amazon.com:

“Finally! For years I’ve had to rely on pencils, or at worst, a twig and some drops of my feminine blood to write down recipes (the only thing a lady should be writing ever). I had despaired of ever being able to write down said recipes in a permanent manner, though my men-folk assured me that I “shouldn’t worry yer pretty little head”. But, AT LAST! Bic, the great liberator, has released a womanly pen that my gentle baby hands can use without fear of unlady-like callouses and bruises. Thank you, Bic!”

Source: Amazon.com

And finally, To the...

Spanish woman who disfigured a century-old “ecce homo” fresco of Jesus. You are in idiot and this is literally the dumbest thing anyone has ever done. My husband showed me this article when we—I—was watching "Bachelor Pad" the other night. When he saw a contestant, Jaclyn Swartz, he said she looked like the botched Jesus. Here's a comparison:

 I mean. That's pretty freakin' hilarious. So lady, you're dumb, but thanks for providing entertainment for the rest of us. Check out this link, too. You're welcome.

Who should I include in my next "to the" series? Do you agree with today's choices?

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To The... Volume 1

When I get writer's block, I look to other blogging phenoms for inspiration. My sorority sister's sister, who was also in my sorority (got that?), writes a blog that is absolutely hilarious, called EmmasThing. It makes me laugh out loud and after I do that, I get jealous because I don't think I make anyone laugh out loud.

Anyway, she has started a brilliant series that I am going to borrow when inspiration hits. I've been saving up for this blog and taking lots of mental notes as to what include for this round. It's pretty comprehensive.

Here we go.

To the...people who take the elevator to the second floor. Really? Are you that incredibly lazy, fat and stupid (or a combination of all three) that you can't just walk the 10 stairs up to your floor? You do realize that it takes you longer to wait for the elevator and wait for other people to get on the elevator than it would to just walk up a flight of stairs, right? Obviously you don't, because you've now effectively wasted a solid 2 minutes of my day based the fact that you're dumb.

To the...biker who yelled at me last week as I stopped my car to let a PREGNANT LADY WITH A STROLLER cross in front of me. Fuck you. I realize the NOSE of my car was in "your lane" but guess what, you don't have the right of way. Bitch.

And, to the...biking population in general. You suck. Why do you get to blow through stop signs and stop lights and generally, not abide by general traffic law? Why do you cut cars off and then swear at them? Why, lady on the bike, are you wearing a dress on a bike? Why are you sir, wearing a full suit? I guess I just don't understand.

To the...trend that is flower pants. No. Just no.

To the...man who told me earlier this week to "have a good Monday." If you didn't understand my murmured reply, it's because I didn't understand what you said to me. It was so fast and so quiet, I legit thought you were a crazy person muttering under your breath. But, after I realized a few minutes too late what you said, it made me smile and I appreciated it. It's actually been a real shitty week, so maybe you jinxed me, but I did appreciate the well wishes.

To the...women who wear sneakers with skirts. I get that comfort is key but have you no dignity?

To the...homeless people who shake their cups with change at me. That does not make me more empathetic or sympathetic or any other 'etic' words for you. In fact, it makes me mad. I have given my fair share of money to homeless people. But I'm not giving it to you because you're just being rude. And also, if you're actually homeless, you should not be picky when I offer you my leftovers and you say that you don't like macaroni and cheese. I mean, beggars can't be choosers, right?

To the...pregnant people on Facebook. I am very excited for you that you are pregnant. Pregnancy is a miracle. Do I need to see your status updates every single day about it? I don't. Can I say I won't do the same thing when I'm pregnant? No, I guess not, but I also think that I'll know better. Your bump is cute, don't get me wrong, as are all of the creative ways people tell the world they are pregnant. So are the little sonogram pictures, and I even like knowing if you are having a boy or a girl. It's just all the other stuff - that really annoys me. Feel free to quote me on this when I do the same thing when I'm preggers.

To the...Michigan Avenue tourists. Have you ever seen a building before? A homeless person? A Coach store? Anything remotely interesting, ever? Seriously, go home. Walk faster. Get a look, move along but mostly, get the eff out of my way.

To the...rats in the city. You are vile. Straight up disgusting. I wish there were snakes in the city to eat the rats, and then mongoose would eat the snake and something would eat the mongoose and so on and so forth until there was nothing left but kittens and puppies.

That's all I got. Happy Thursday, ya'll!

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