First of all...JoJo is hot. She’s got a bangin’ body, great boobs (fake, yes?), amazing hair…I think we can all agree. I, along with the rest of America, like JoJo and I think she’s gonna bring it this season.
The first two episodes were great fodder to set the stage for the rest of the season. The first episode, I felt like we got a real sense of the types of men JoJo likes...none of which are like the former love of her life, Ben. You know, that guy she keeps talking about? Here’s a hint, JoJo: Don’t continuously talk about your ex-boyfriend when you’re in the running for your future hubby. It’s not a good look.
Usually I feel like after the first episode, we have a really good sense of who’s gonna be the top dudes right away. I definitely felt that with Jordan and Luke, but the rest of the group was kind of up in the air for me.
The second episode gave us more in terms of what to expect this season. Most pleasing, we get to meet Chad, who started the episode by giving a group toast that essentially was, “Fuck you all.” And when I say “essentially,” I mean, literally. He literally said “Fuck you all.”
We also get several glimpses into Chad's misogynistic, sociopathic, meat-loving mind…but I digress.
Let’s dig into this season of The Bachelorette starting with part 1 this week’s two-episode nail biter!
(Seriously though, I was biting my nails. Chad is fuckin’ scary, dude. All those scenes with him whistling through the woods while he plotted acting out his death threats? CREEPY is an understatement. I’m getting ahead of myself.)
Part 1 (Monday) kicked off with what looked like a scene from Neighbors: passed out dudes, empty champagne glasses, half-eaten trays of deli meat and bros talking about how much they can bench.
Chase gets the first one-on-one date, where and he JoJo “get physical” with some hot yoga. By “get physical” I mean they had something called anger-gasms and then Chase tried to not get a massive erection while JoJo straddled him. (Seriously though, that had to have been hard. Pun intended). Both JoJo and Chase conclude that they feel a connection and that “yoga isn’t that bad.” I wonder if they know it doesn’t always have a happy ending? Sexy yogi time is followed with a traditional dinner they don’t eat, a private concert by one of the Lady Antebellums, and Chase gets the rose. I like Chase, so all good there.
Next up was the group date, featuring Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F. (who?), Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, St. Nick, Erectile Evan, Little Alex and The Chad. Damn, there’s a lot of dudes still here. And about half of them are sitting around in half-zipped hoodies with nothing underneath.
The Chad is pissed he was invited on the group date because he’d rather get one-on-one time. Of course, that pisses off the guys who aren't getting dates this week. Jordan calls Chad stupid, Chad calls Jordan pathetic because all he’s ever done is “throw a piece of leather,” Little Alex chimes in and gets called a midget. This is straight out mean girls, ya’ll.
Let’s pause: Alex is hot. Why does he have to be so short? And why does Jordan have to have that annoying piece of rogue hair?
The guys finally leave for their date, and are brought to a show. But not just any show: A SEX SHOW. Not just any sex show: a SEX STAND-UP show. I know, right?
The guys’ reactions were the same as mine when the first “performer” came out and starting having an orgasm. I mean, what is this, the Vagina Monologues? Nope. The guys legitimately had to go on stage and tell a funny story about a sexual experience. The Chad is not into it because he thinks his sexual history is “none of JoJo’s business.” Wait, sorry. Sources just confirmed that it’s not that his sex life is none of her business, it’s that she hasn’t EARNED the right to know about it. Who the fuck is this kid?
Here’s the problem with Chad: He speaks the truth. All he does is talk about how the other guys are idiots for saying they’re falling love with JoJo so early, that he'd rather not go on a date with 12 dudes, that no guy wants to tell an embarrassing sex story in front of a girl they just started dating...All true. but hearing it from Chad, who's clearly an asshole, just makes you want to do something crazy, like defend this show and all it stands for.
Because really, that's what's happening here, right? Chad's not playing the game. He's not that into JoJo. He's not into making friends with the guys. He won't sing along to songs with the guys or do choreographed swimming. And that, as we all know, is bad for the franchise, so I have a feeling that's where his villain edit came in. Well that, and he truly is a dick.
Anyway. Grant goes first and everyone is laughing, but I feel like it could be at his tight ass pants, not his story. Evan uses the opportunity to talk about how steroids can cause erectile dysfunction...you know, because Chad uses ‘roids and Evan specializes in erections. The other guys LOVE it because it means someone other than them is calling out Chad, JoJo doesn’t get it, and Chad looks like he’s going to murder Evan while he sleeps. Instead, he just rips Evan’s shirt when he meekly tries to cross Chad’s path, and then says that Evan was the one who pushed him.
Right. Ever hear the phrase, “Pick on someone your own size?”
Chad decides to not play along and asks JoJo to join him on stage where they can create their own sex story in front everyone. Except JoJo denies him hardcore and that just pisses The Chad off even more, while the other guys are absolutely giddy.
At the cocktail party afterward, everyone’s wearing black leather jackets, Chad interrupts literally every 1-1 time and it becomes clear that JoJo and Jordan are gonna bone sometime this season. Evan pulls the “it’s him or me” card on JoJo, and while I’m not sure why, she gives Evan a rose and asks him to stay, despite Chad being there. He’s a pussy, so he said yes.
PS: Another Chad truth after Evan gets the rose: "Is this a real scenario right now? Like you’re actually, right now, vibin this dude?” (Damn it, Chad, get out of here.)
Meanwhile, when asked about his bad behavior, Chad pulls the, “It’s not me, it’s them,” and JoJo falls for it. I think she has a thing for Chads. (P.S.: Ex-Chad is DEFINITELY making an appearance this season.)
James Taylor gets the next 1-1 date. The two get dressed up to go swing dancing, then sit in a car sipping something hopefully alcoholic out of thermoses. Honestly, nothing sticks out about this date other than the fact that he made her cry with another song. He seems a little too nice for her, if you ask me. I think she kinda likes the bad ones.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Chad nonchalantly is chowing down on a fucking RAW ASS SWEET POTATO while a chubby “bodyguard” roams the perimeter. Sorry, but methinks that dude isn't going to be able to do shit to defend himself against Chad, let alone anyone else.
The bros learn that there will be no cocktail party...but there WILL be a pool party. JoJo wants to see the bods on these bros. Evan feels the need to tattle on Chad to Chris Harrison (he’s getting so many points in my Fantasy league!), and Chris confronts Chad. Somehow they get to talking about steroids and Chad assures him he wouldn’t have been able to get them on the property (I know you all caught that, too). Chris tells Chad to “settle it” and Chad’s immediately disappointed to learn that he means with his words. Wamp wamp.
TO BE CONTINUED….
Per usual.... Spot on, so funny, and I loved every word! Glad you are back!!
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