Mean Girls in South America: The Bachelorette Recap

What a letdown to be treated to TWO days and FOUR hours of The Bachelorette, be left in suspense, wait TWO WEEKS for a new episode and then...We got that?

I can't believe after all that, all we got was two mere minutes of Chad Bear. What a tease! Typical ABC.

After a protein powder cremation celebration in honor of Chad's departure, Chad lurks outside the cabin until he's, for some reason, let back in. I don't know about you, but if it were me, there's no way I'm letting that guy back in. He's been kicked off the show, so technically he has no consequences if he walks in and makes good on his promises to kill everyone (or at least beat their ass).

But, it's Daniel, so he does let Chad in, and nonchalantly asks, "What's up, dude?" Yeah, Chad...what's up? Not much, he says.

Yeah, man. Not much. You didn't just get sent home from your 2-on-1 date. It's not weird at all that you're back at the house with guys who can't stand you. Who, in fact, just had a funeral for you and called you the "worst person anyone has ever met." Even less weird that you feel like now's the time to blame everyone else for your departure, and that when given yet ONE more opportunity to redeem yourself, you continue to be an asshole. Don't ever change, Chad. We'll see you in Paradise!

Can somebody get Evan a new shirt already?

The guys rejoice Alex's return and prepare for another cocktail party and rose ceremony. It becomes pretty clear during the rose ceremony that even though Chad's gone, Alex is actually Regina George and finds new prey in house. In a last ditch effort to stay James F. makes JoJo cry with a super lame poem about her treasure of heart. (Isn't that a different Jameses thing?) We say goodbye to Daniel and James F., but not before Daniel pathetically admits that he has a terrible personality and makes the most bogus analogy ever about Evan staying on the show and Daniel getting struck by lightening by shaving his legs face? Yeah, I don't know. He raises a good point, though...

WHY DOES EVAN KEEP GETTING ROSES? WHO IS VINNY?

The crew is finally off to somewhere cool...URUGUAY! Jordan gets the first one-on-one South of the Border Equator, and on one is happy. Seems like now that Chad's gone, the guys need a new "Chad" to pick on. Jordan is the clear favorite, so the guys choose him.

While Jordan and JoJo are "sealing the deal" on a boat somewhere, the guys MYSTERIOUSLY get their hands on an US Weekly magazine...in a barber shop. So, they can't have phones, can't have books, can't have ANYTHING...but somehow they get this magazine that just so happens to feature a scandal about JoJo? Right.

The guys get their boxers in a wad while getting fresh by barber Vinny and all of them worry that JoJo is still in love with Chad. (Not be confused with THE Chad. This is her EX Chad. In summary: Chad=douche).

Back on the JoRo date, JoJo needs to ask Jordan about one of his girlfriends that she met. YEP. So, to recap: JoJo coincidentally met one of Jordan's ex-girlfriends before she knew she was going to be on the show? MmmmKay. Jordan tells her that her concerns are unfounded because he didn't "physically" cheat on his ex-girlfriend.

OK...so is that like when you have an "emotional affair" with someone, or some other bullshit? Jordan is an ex-NFL player, and sorry, but the dude has player written all over him. Do I still think he wins this whole thing? Yes, but that doesn't mean I buy his bullshit. JoJo does, though, and that's all that matters.

JoJo decides that her future hubby not physically cheating on his ex = AMAZING POTENTIAL and returns home from the date on Cloud 9. That is until the producers let her know that the guys have been crying all night about her scandal, which gets her crying, and then she has to explain herself to the guys, who accept her story as easily as she accepted Jordan's.

EVERYONE WINS.

What is Chase wearing?

The next day is the group date with everyone except Jordan and Robby, and honestly you guys, I didn't even really watch it. Because sand surfing? Sounds stupid. Plus, they got rained out and just spent the whole date talking shit about each other, but mostly Alex talked about how Derek was a douche for asking JoJo to reassure him with a rose. Alex calls Derek a whiny bitch, which is ironic, given that is what Chad called Alex, too. Derek gets a pity rose.

Robby's one-on-one is up next. They do the classic "walk about town" and "jumping off a cliff is like falling in love" date. Except then Robby actually DOES tell JoJo that he's in love with her. But not after he told her about how after his best friend died, he quit his job, dumped his girlfriend (who now makes out with Chad on Instagram) and came on the show. All in all, sounds like his feelings are for real and he's here for the right reasons.

(She says, her voice dripping in sarcasm.)

At long last, the SECOND rose ceremony is upon us. Derek feels the need to clear the air with Alex, Jordan and Chase about how they're actually "mean girls." (Points for Derek for giving me the title to this week's blog.) And that just pisses the guys off more because they need time to prep for their time with JoJo (that they never get) during the rose ceremony (that never happens).

Alas, we finally say goodbye to Vinny, Evan and Grant. Kudos to Evan for continuing to rack up the Bachelorette Fantasy points on his way out with tears.

Current Top 4 picks:
1. Jordan
2. Luke
3. Robby
4. Chase or Alex

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