The End of Pregnancy

Anyone who says that the first trimester of nausea and extreme exhaustion is worse than the last few weeks of pregnancy is lying. 

The end of pregnancy is, in a word, brutal. 

Mostly because I find myself in a weird place, physically, mentally and emotionally.

On the one hand, I am miserable. I am uncomfortable, huge, swollen and in pain most days. I am tired at all times. I can't really eat any more. I live in the bathroom. The prospect of being pregnant another two full weeks (the earliest my OB will induce) is terrifying and makes me want to cry. At the same, being pregnant another week or so doesn't seem like it will kill me.

So there's the feeling of just wanting the baby to exit my body for the sake of my own sanity and comfort.

On the other hand, I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side of this. And that is terrifying. Yes, we will have a beautiful, healthy baby boy (God willing), whom we are BEYOND excited to meet. I know that the moment I hold him in my arms all of these thoughts will seem like a distant memory. 

But until then, we are dealing with so many unknowns. When will it happen? Where will I be when it happens? How much will it hurt? Will my epidural work? How long will labor last? Will I need a C-section? Will he really be healthy? What will his temperament be? Will he latch? Will he sleep? What will happen to our marriage? Will we be good parents? WHAT ARE WE DOING? 

Life as we know it is about to change. These last days are a mix of wanting to do nothing but sleep and relax due to the discomforts and all that I referenced above. But also wanting to take advantage of the few childless days we have left by continuing to see friends, going on date nights, seeing movies -- all of the things that in a matter of days, we aren't going to be able to do anymore on a whim. I've had many friends tell me, "You want nothing more than for them to come out, but once they are here, you wish they'd go back in for a bit longer!"

So, I say the last days of pregnancy are brutal because emotionally, physically and mentally, I am all over the place. My husband is cool as a cucumber, like he always is. I appreciate that he always remains calm and has the attitude of "We'll figure out like we do everything else." It provides me with some stability when I feel like a crazy person for feeling all of the things. He also makes a good point that people way less capable than us have raised children for years, and sadly, he's right. So there's that for comfort. :)

I know I'm not the first person to feel/experience any of this, and I know I won't be the last. I know that everything I feel right now is normal. I also know there is a village of people waiting to love our baby and support us however we need through this most amazing journey we're about to take. 

So as I enter my 39th week of pregnancy, I'm trying to stay positive. I'm doing my best to take advantage of "me time" while I can. As much as is physically possible in these semi-dark days, I am trying to relish the last days of pregnancy. I'm eating cookies and pizza because what's 1-2 more pounds at this point? I'm staying in bed on Sundays, only getting up to eat and pee, because there will never be another time in my life for me to do so without interruption.

I'm thankful for the pregnancy I've had, and that these last few weeks have been the worst of it. I already know I will miss the baby hiccups and the kicks and living with life inside me. I will miss this baby bump. I will want to do this again someday.

I know it will all be worth it.

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