Whipped Cream & Lies: 37 Thoughts on The Bachelor

Dear ABC,

All I want is for an episode of The Bachelor to end with a rose ceremony. Just ONE episode. Please?All of this TO BE CONTINUED is really screwing my emotional intelligence.

In the words of Corrine, "#SorryNotSorry" but this episode was stupid as fuck. It just was. I have so many things to say, I'm not quite sure where to start. I made a list, and it shall qualify as my recap:

1. Corrine and Taylor at the beginning. So, just so we all remember, Corrine started that conversation, didn't respond to Taylor as she repeated "Emotional Intelligence" over and over again, so that Taylor actually DID sound like the condescending biatch that Corrine accusing her of being. WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Next thing I knew, Corrine was in Nick's arm, accusing TAYLOR of being a bully. What just happened?
2. Taylor's fate has been sealed, because now that Corrine as put the "bully" idea in Nick's head, no matter what she says to defend herself or what she says about Corrine...she seems like a bully. Well played, Corrine. 
3. Corinne is drunk AF at all times, right?
4. How fucking cold is it in Wisconsin right now?
5. WHO IS WHITNEY?! Someone may or may not have given me a spoiler that she makes it to hometowns, and I literally have no clue who she is?!
6. Why is Josephine still here? She always seems as surprised as we are. 
7. Bye bye, Sarah and Astrid. Hello, NOLA!
8. I love Rachel, and not just because we have the same name.
9. I could have done without Nick making love to the beignet. 
10. I could have also done without the beignet puns.
11. Rachel is way too good for Nick.
12. So, I guess Rachel is getting a hometown date? She gets the rose.
13. Group date card arrives : everyone except Taylor and Corrine are going. #DUH
14. Are we really going to have a group date on a plantation and not mention slavery??? #thatsfuckedup
15. Then they make it seem like Jasmine is the one provoking the little white girl ghost? #thatsfuckeduptoo
16. This date sucks, I'm bored.
17. Why do the girls think that this little 8-year-old ghost gives a fuck about who is going to get the group date ghost?
18. I don't appreciate the Beauty & the Beast and Quantico propaganda. Each of these have their own platform and The Bachelor is not it. STAY OFF MY MINDLESS CRAP TV!
19. WE HAVE OUR FIRST L BOMB.
20. There are so many cool things The Bachelor could have done
21. Back at the house, Corrine and Taylor have a quick therapy session with Rachel, who clearly doesn't give AF. Why would she? She's got 7 years on these baby dolls, and she's got a hometown date.
22. What is this with Corrine's room service order? The last supper?
23. This two-on-one is the epitome of Nick taking two swamp monsters back to their natural habitat.
24. Was that a human spine?
25. Baffled again. Swamps, tarot cards and "voodoo"? Really, Bachelor?
26. First of all, tarot and voodoo are not related.
27. Second of all, some people, like me, actually believe in and find value in such things as spirits and tarot. This whole episode trivializes things that should not be trivialized.
28. Bad move on Taylor's part to let Corinne get the first alone time with Nick.
29. Did you guys know Taylor's a water sign? #whocares
30. Corrine swatting the bugs is everything.
31. Nick thinks with his dick.
32. Nick immediately asks Taylor about said bullying. Now, anything bad Taylor says about Corrine supports the bully theory. SEE? That bitch is good.
33. Bye, Taylor.
34. Why?
35. I was waiting for Taylor to trip in the woods on her way to get purified, or whatever that was, and then a cut to Corinne's voodoo doll. That was a MISS, ABC.
36. Taylor should have just gone home.
37. To be con-fucking-tinued. AGAIN.

PS - ANOTHER ALEXIS CLIP THAT IS GOLD.

Top 4: I'm starting to get confused. I have no idea at this point:

4. Corinne

3. Rachel

2. Danielle L.

1. Vanessa

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Janet Jackson Revival + Tales from Jade + Tanner's Wedding

It's a new year, which can only mean one thing—more blogs from me. And not just any blogs—Bachelor blogs! I have no idea why everyone loves my Bachelor recaps so much, but it makes me feel wanted, so I'm rollin' with it.

Let me start with my thoughts about Nick Viall as The Bachelor. I, like the rest of America (and the man himself), was ready to see Luke as The Bachelor. But now that Nick is here, I have to say...I don't hate it. He's managed to not only make himself much more physically attractive over the years, but he kind of redeemed himself for me on Bachelor in Paradise. That said, I feel like this particular relationship has was too much pressure on it to succeed, but who knows.

We're in Week 2, after meeting the ladies last week. At first, I felt like the group was mediocre, but then we got to meet Corrine. And Liz. And a dolphin shark. And a chick with balls. And That's So Raven. And Taylor, the mental health counselor hired by ABC to pose as a contestant.

And then I realized that I was wrong. So wrong. This is the most powerful group of ladies we've seen (we know Nick likes a strong woman), which is a recipe for disaster, which is a recipe for amazing TV.

Week 2 opens with the girls drinking mimosas in their rompers, talking about how hot Nick is, when Chris Harrison waltzes in for one of his 10 appearances all season to advise the girls to "make the most of their time with Nick" (aka be a super catty bitch and take no prisoners), and deliver the first date card. The first group date is Corinne, Haley, the dolphin-shark, Sarah, Vanessa, Brittany, Lacey, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor, and Elizabeth. We're still at the point where I usually don't really know one of these bitches from the next, but this group is the power pack. In other words, the winner and probably top 3 are all in this group, so I had high hopes for this date.

I was not disappointed.

The girls find 4 sober girls to drive everyone to their "Always a Bridesmaid" date, which provokes several of the girls to admit that they've never been a bridesmaid before. Well, you're 23, so not only should you not have yet been a bridesmaid, you should absolutely NOT be a bride.

A v classy/weird porn star/photographer star named Franco someone handed out different dresses to the girls with the direction that they would take wedding photos with Nick...80s bride...shotgun bride...beach bride, etc. The "winner" would be chosen by Franco. Prize TBD.

Corrine is upset that she has to wear only a bikini top instead of just being allowed to wear a leaf, like Brittany, while Alexis is shocked to learn that a shotgun wedding does not mean posing sexy with guns.

Corrine is comin' in hot as America's Top Villain, I can tell you that. I can't tell yet if I love her, or I hate her. I mean, obvi we hate her because she's a bit too aggressive, while also being beautiful and a millionaire...but we also have to love her because A) she's hammered 24/7 B) she's so drama and makes great TV.  I think Nick is into her not because she's hot and begs him to hold her "bare bosom," but because she's like him. She doesn't give AF about anyone except herself and the end game. Again, great for us—not so much if you're a girl on this season.

I digress. The girls all take their photos with Nick, including, but not limited to Nick pretending to deliver Alexis' baby and seeing Nick's leaf-colored penis. And yes, Corrine not standing for the fact that Brittany looks hot in just a leaf, and taking off her top and insisting Nick "pull a Janet Jackson."

“No one has ever held my boobs the way Nick has held my boobs.” {crickets}

Franco Porn Star says Corinne wins the date (criteria for winning unknown), and from what I can tell the only prize is riding off in a car? Hmmm. Everyone meets back up for the "Ooh, can I steal you?" time, and this is where things get good. 

First of all, can one of these times someone just say, "NO! You can't 'steal' him and you can't fucking 'borrow' him either!" Seriously. The girls are ticked because Corinne talks to Nick at a minimum, three times. Like I said, she doesn't give AF, but as expected, the other girls are PISSED. Mostly Taylor, our undercover mental health expert. After some nonsense conversation between those two about if everyone is OK (alert: they're both OK), Corrine gets the rose and the girls all wonder if Nick actually is as big of an asshole as the world thinks he is.

Back at the house, while Corrine recounts Nick touching her bare breasts, Liz is creepily cutting fruit while some chick is sleeping/passed out behind her, talking something about how she's had sex with Nick. Wait, Liz has had sex with Nick? At Jade and Tanner's wedding? How did I miss that? JUST KIDDING YOU'VE ONLY MENTIONED BOTH ABOUT 12,398,734 TIMES. 

I do feel KINDA bad for Liz because I have to imagine that the edit she's getting is purposefully ONLY showing her talking about fucking Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. But only KINDA cuz I think I'm on Nick's side in that if she was interested in him, there were other ways to show him that than coming on a TV show. #justsayin

OK, so Danielle M. (who?) gets the first one-on-one, which honestly was pretty boring? Aside from her story about waking about next to her dead fiance, which sounds like pretty much the worst fucking thing that could ever happen to someone, there was nothing notable here. I think she'll probably go far-ish but not to the top 4. We may see her (and Liz and Corrine and Alexis) in Paradise, though!

Group date #2 is with the B team, Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz. Their date is going to a museum of broken relationships (yes, that's a real place), where they have to act out a breakup in front of a group of people. Kill me now.

The girls breakup reasons range from "you're an alcoholic" to "you called me fat" to a slap in the face to the best breakup ever...a 3-minute dialog from Liz, where she tells the whole group what happened and I've never seen Nick more furious. Honestly though...how awkward?

Post-date cocktail hour and again...boring. Until Christen throws Liz under the bus and lets Nick know that she knows that Liz knows that she and Nick fucked. Nick asks for the details, because you know, he was blacked out and doesn't remember. When he asks Liz about the whole thing, she basically shot herself in the foot and couldn't give any good reason why she chose to come on national TV to get Nick when she could've just asked her bestie Jade for Nick's number. You got a point there, Nick. Nick send Liz home.

that about does it, kids. I'm feeling good about this season. I think the girls are feisty, strong and cutthroat so hopefully the show delivers.

My guesses right now:

1. Corinne

2. Danielle L.

3. Rachel

4. Taylor

5. Vanessa

I think Danielle L. is amazing and has a good shot at winning the thing.

Thoughts? Reactions? Happy watching!

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Cry for Me, Argentina: Bachelorette Recap

Alright guys. It's 11:45pm on Tuesday night, and I admittedly am not SUPER into writing this post right now. BUT I had more than a few people tell me they couldn't wait for my blog this week, so here I am, and I'm going to give you the best that I can.

Disclaimer: I've had 2 glasses of wine and am exhausted.

I don't know about anyone else, but I am BORED without Chad. Sure, this week had drama, but there ain't no drama like the Chad Bear drama 'cause the Chad Bear drama don't stop. right?

Anyway, I was all about the location of this episode, as hubby and I went to Argentina last fall and it was absolutely amazing. However, I could have done without all of the horrible Spanglish, red dresses and Evita.

The guys learn that for THE FIRST TIME IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY, there will be another 2-1 date, a 1-1 date and a group date.

Wells gets the first 1-1 date and his date card says to "bésame her already, muchacho!" That means, KISS HER YOU FUCKING IDIOT. The guys are beside themselves that Wells hasn't kissed JoJo yet, and while I do think there's something to be said for the whole "waiting for the right moment for your first kiss" thing...it's been 6 weeks and that's a long time in Bachelorette land OR IRL to wait for a first kiss. So...methinks Wells' time is up.

Sure enough, after talking about how it wasn't the right time to kiss her for about 15 minutes, he determined the right time time to kiss her WAS while in spandex and being thrown around a pool. They kept saying it was sexy but..."no mas." When JoJo straight up castrated Wells by high-fiving and congratulating him like an asshole, I knew Wells' time was up. And when JoJo said goodbye, I think all of America felt personally victimized.

FareWells!

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the group-date card comes, and Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex are going to live la vida boca, while Chase and Derek (aka Jim from the office) face the 2-1.

The group date heads to La Boca, which was one of mine and Bryan's favorite spots in Argentina. It's a "barrio" and is super cute. I have pictures of all the places they were, so that was fun to relive! The guys kick soccer balls to get a kiss with JoJo and despite Robby actually paying off some kid, James is the only one who "scores" so he gets to kiss JoJo.

To capitalize on his win, he finds it appropriate to tell JoJo that her boyfriend Jordan is SPOILER ALERT: "Jordan Rodgers. Whatever that means."

....yes, James...whatever that means? Also, does James not remember that the last time someone said something about JoJo's future husband, he was left in the woods? I'm not entirely sure why James thought JoJo needed to know "the truth" about Jordan. Which is in this case that he insisted his rules were THE RULES of a poker game.

I'm also not entirely sure why JoJo needs to "confront" Jordan about it, but she does, and needless to say, he's less than pleased when JoJo confronts him. I think he's as confused as the rest of us upon learning that his "character" is being called out because of a poker game. After JoJo flips his hair for him, Jordan returns back to the group and he is intensely swirling his wine like a motherfucker.  

When your enemy does this, you know you're in trouble...@BacheloretteABC #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/jFwNaPF5IR

— Good Morning America (@GMA) June 28, 2016

Awkward doesn't describe Jordan's disdain for James, and I've gotta say, James doesn't do a GREAT job of defending himself. And by that I mean he basically backed down like a coward.

Luke gets the rose because I forgot to mention earlier that she and Luke were basically having sex during their time together.

Onto the 2-1 with Derek and Chase. I've gotta be honest. This is boring. Watching these two tango with the Salsa Dancer Emoji, and watching her reaction to them both, I know in my heart that neither of these guys is going for Gold. While I like Chase, I do find him fairly....emotionless? I did get a good chuckle when he proclaimed that "Tangoing on a 2 on 1 date is stressful." Rough life, buddy.

JoJo: "Do you even like me? Like, at all?" 

Chase: "Yeah, totally." 

JoJo: "Cool, here's this rose."

And Derek...well, Derek cried his fucking eyes out while "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" played on, so.... there's that. Nice edit producers! Also, he talked about himself in the third person. So...bye, John Krasinski!

Rose Ceremony time! JoJo's blue dress is all kinds of amazing.

She tricks everybody into thinking she's not going to give out the last rose and instead, she is a total PUSSY and gives out two roses. So no one goes home.

WHY IS ALEX SO SMALL? Sorry, but it's just a matter of time before Alex and James go home. And by "a matter of time," I mean next week. Alex knows it, too. Looks like hometowns go to Luke, Jordan, Chase and Robby.

It's 1:23am. BYE!

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Mean Girls in South America: The Bachelorette Recap

What a letdown to be treated to TWO days and FOUR hours of The Bachelorette, be left in suspense, wait TWO WEEKS for a new episode and then...We got that?

I can't believe after all that, all we got was two mere minutes of Chad Bear. What a tease! Typical ABC.

After a protein powder cremation celebration in honor of Chad's departure, Chad lurks outside the cabin until he's, for some reason, let back in. I don't know about you, but if it were me, there's no way I'm letting that guy back in. He's been kicked off the show, so technically he has no consequences if he walks in and makes good on his promises to kill everyone (or at least beat their ass).

But, it's Daniel, so he does let Chad in, and nonchalantly asks, "What's up, dude?" Yeah, Chad...what's up? Not much, he says.

Yeah, man. Not much. You didn't just get sent home from your 2-on-1 date. It's not weird at all that you're back at the house with guys who can't stand you. Who, in fact, just had a funeral for you and called you the "worst person anyone has ever met." Even less weird that you feel like now's the time to blame everyone else for your departure, and that when given yet ONE more opportunity to redeem yourself, you continue to be an asshole. Don't ever change, Chad. We'll see you in Paradise!

Can somebody get Evan a new shirt already?

The guys rejoice Alex's return and prepare for another cocktail party and rose ceremony. It becomes pretty clear during the rose ceremony that even though Chad's gone, Alex is actually Regina George and finds new prey in house. In a last ditch effort to stay James F. makes JoJo cry with a super lame poem about her treasure of heart. (Isn't that a different Jameses thing?) We say goodbye to Daniel and James F., but not before Daniel pathetically admits that he has a terrible personality and makes the most bogus analogy ever about Evan staying on the show and Daniel getting struck by lightening by shaving his legs face? Yeah, I don't know. He raises a good point, though...

WHY DOES EVAN KEEP GETTING ROSES? WHO IS VINNY?

The crew is finally off to somewhere cool...URUGUAY! Jordan gets the first one-on-one South of the Border Equator, and on one is happy. Seems like now that Chad's gone, the guys need a new "Chad" to pick on. Jordan is the clear favorite, so the guys choose him.

While Jordan and JoJo are "sealing the deal" on a boat somewhere, the guys MYSTERIOUSLY get their hands on an US Weekly magazine...in a barber shop. So, they can't have phones, can't have books, can't have ANYTHING...but somehow they get this magazine that just so happens to feature a scandal about JoJo? Right.

The guys get their boxers in a wad while getting fresh by barber Vinny and all of them worry that JoJo is still in love with Chad. (Not be confused with THE Chad. This is her EX Chad. In summary: Chad=douche).

Back on the JoRo date, JoJo needs to ask Jordan about one of his girlfriends that she met. YEP. So, to recap: JoJo coincidentally met one of Jordan's ex-girlfriends before she knew she was going to be on the show? MmmmKay. Jordan tells her that her concerns are unfounded because he didn't "physically" cheat on his ex-girlfriend.

OK...so is that like when you have an "emotional affair" with someone, or some other bullshit? Jordan is an ex-NFL player, and sorry, but the dude has player written all over him. Do I still think he wins this whole thing? Yes, but that doesn't mean I buy his bullshit. JoJo does, though, and that's all that matters.

JoJo decides that her future hubby not physically cheating on his ex = AMAZING POTENTIAL and returns home from the date on Cloud 9. That is until the producers let her know that the guys have been crying all night about her scandal, which gets her crying, and then she has to explain herself to the guys, who accept her story as easily as she accepted Jordan's.

EVERYONE WINS.

What is Chase wearing?

The next day is the group date with everyone except Jordan and Robby, and honestly you guys, I didn't even really watch it. Because sand surfing? Sounds stupid. Plus, they got rained out and just spent the whole date talking shit about each other, but mostly Alex talked about how Derek was a douche for asking JoJo to reassure him with a rose. Alex calls Derek a whiny bitch, which is ironic, given that is what Chad called Alex, too. Derek gets a pity rose.

Robby's one-on-one is up next. They do the classic "walk about town" and "jumping off a cliff is like falling in love" date. Except then Robby actually DOES tell JoJo that he's in love with her. But not after he told her about how after his best friend died, he quit his job, dumped his girlfriend (who now makes out with Chad on Instagram) and came on the show. All in all, sounds like his feelings are for real and he's here for the right reasons.

(She says, her voice dripping in sarcasm.)

At long last, the SECOND rose ceremony is upon us. Derek feels the need to clear the air with Alex, Jordan and Chase about how they're actually "mean girls." (Points for Derek for giving me the title to this week's blog.) And that just pisses the guys off more because they need time to prep for their time with JoJo (that they never get) during the rose ceremony (that never happens).

Alas, we finally say goodbye to Vinny, Evan and Grant. Kudos to Evan for continuing to rack up the Bachelorette Fantasy points on his way out with tears.

Current Top 4 picks:
1. Jordan
2. Luke
3. Robby
4. Chase or Alex

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Final Thoughts on The Final Rose

At long last, this season of The Bachelor has finally come to end. We laughed, we cried, we cringed and at the end, we threw things at the television, because as my mother so eloquently put it:

I think we all knew that Ben was going to choose Lauren, but we didn't want to believe it. And I will say, a part of me watching him with JoJo thought that maybe, just MAYBE he would do the right thing and choose her.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. When we left off, Ben had dropped the L bomb—to both of his leading ladies. This week, he wasn't shy with continuing to say "I love you"—again, to BOTH ladies.

Even Ben's mother was disturbed that her son was in love with two people. In fact, as we find out, the only person who didn't seem to be disturbed by this fact is Ben's new fiance, Lauren. Again, I'm ahead of myself.

But look, Ben chose his lady, Lauren and JoJo is our next Bachelorette.

(Thank God. I wouldn't have watched if it was Caila.)

THOUGHTS:

**JoJo might as well have considered herself done when she showed up with a shell as a gift...especially after Lauren had just showered his parents with wine and gorgeous flowers.

**Ben's parents claim Lauren is "polished." I beg to differ, especially when she declares such things as, "Getting married is a big commitment to me. Like, BIG." Similar to her later declaration that was akin to, ""If tonight was my last night with Ben I don't know what I'd do." DEEP.

**I wonder how Lauren feels knowing that Ben's parents were more Team JoJo? I also wonder if JoJo told them that her mom would chug champagne with them straight from the bottle at the wedding?

**The After the Final Rose was bullshit for more than one reason:

1. Showing both families backstage kind of spoiled the show, did it not? For one thing, JoJo's brothers weren't there, and I interpreted that as "they don't want to kick Ben's ass on TV." Plus, her family didn't look as happy as Lauren's did...I don't know, maybe I read into that.
2. JoJo and Ben's interaction also made it REALLY clear that she was going to be the next Bachelorette. She was way too nice and positive, which she had to be. We can't have our new Bachelorette crying about her breakup right before she has 25 men go after her, right?
3. The pastor....just...what??

**Shame on Ben for letting JoJo pour her heart out, telling her loves her one last time for good measure—and then telling her that basically he just loves someone else a little more.

**JoJo's dress was everything.

**Kudos to JoJo for giving Ben a little of her feisty side with just the right amount of shock and sadness. In that moment, Ben probably felt the Earth shift across America as everyone started to hate him. If he felt unlovable before, I'd love to know how he feels now!

**Did anyone else feel like Lauren looked bored when Ben was professing his love for her? She barely cracked a smile until he was on one knee!

Cheers to being able to see more of JoJo and her mom next season!

What did you guys think of Ben and his choice?

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This Week on The Bachelor: I Love You Gate

At long last, we are down to everyone's favorite episode: The one with all the sex.

And this season, with sex also comes LOVE, except for one poor gal who instead of an I love you got awkward silence and heartbreak.

So let's start there.

Caila's up first first. The first portion is a total snooze, as we basically watch Ben and Caila float down a river in silence, while a voiceover from Caila talks about how her head's not in it because she's worrying about other the two girls. Foreshadowing at its finest.

Can we pause for one second, and also talk about how Ben says that he and Caila have the deepest relationship of all the ladies? So...just so we're clear: Caila, the girl he also identifies as "smiley" and complains that she's not opening up...is the one he is closest with. Right...

Ben doesn't get what's got Caila's tongue (it's not him, at least not yet). I don't know, Ben! I'm going to guess it's the very premise of the show that's got Caila down because she knows she's got a good chance of getting dumped this week on national television.

Later that night, Caila fills the awkward silence by telling Ben she loves him, to which he responds with an open mouth kiss and invitation to sleep in his bed that night. Caila the sex panther eagerly agrees and viewers are given a gratuitous shot of 1 million fireworks. We get it...fireworks=SEX!

Caila's cool with the fact that Ben can't say I love you back (little does she know...) because she can smell it on his breath. What wait? That's Olivia level of stupidity, Caila. You're better than that.

I still don't buy Caila. She's full of well-thought out, fully formed sentences and platitudes, and nobody is that full of smiles, giggles and perfection. She even wakes up from the overnight date literally looking like the poster child for #iwokeuplikethis.

Up for Sloppy Seconds is Lauren B. I don't even really need to go on because seriously: IT COULDN'T BE MORE OBVIOUS THAT HE PICKS LAUREN B! Anyway: Ben and Lauren set some turtles free into the ocean, and that was pretty cute, but I felt kinda sad because it seems like they were setting them free only to kill them.

Lauren is super nervous to tell Ben that she loves him. Terrified times about 1million, to be certain, but when she does utter those three little words, he says HE LOVES HER, TOO! Not just a regular, "I love you, too." He says that he's loved her for a while. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT, BEN! But he does—over and over and over again. And then she laughs/cries and they cuddle and talk about how much they love each other and even though it's super cheesy, it kind of makes me melt.

Cut to gratuitous shot of Lauren B's dress crumpled on the floor. We get it...crumpled dress + I love you=SEX!

And instead of a generic compliment about looking beautiful in the morning, Ben thinks it would be fun to "play house" with Lauren. They're getting married, guys. FO SHO. Because Lauren loves Ben, and Ben loves Lauren.

Once again, we save the best for last: JoJo. So, it must be said: Ben starts off this date basically saying that his choice is this: Figure out if he loves JoJo or send her home. He doesn't want to send to her home, so what's the choice? Hey, JoJo, I love you, too! I'm getting ahead of myself.

After a lovely afternoon of jumping in waterfalls, JoJo musters up the courage to tell Ben through tears that she loves him. And in response, he says...HE LOVES HER, TOO!

I remind you...you're not supposed to say that, Ben. Not to one woman and DEFINITELY not to two.

JoJo's reaction to his declaration was priceless. "What?" she whispers. "Are you allowed to say that?"
No, JoJo, he's not.

These girls know what's up. They've watched the show. They know that it's not "allowed" for the lead to say how they're feeling until the final rose. So when each one hears, "I love you" multiple times, no wonder they were confident in their relationship.

Anyway, back to JoJo. As they tell each other how much they love each other, Ben tells her he's a little worried about her crazy ass brothers and she kind of apologizes, telling him that she wishes she could have stood up for him. I'm confused why she couldn't?

Ben doesn't care about all that because HELLO, he loves her! Cue gratuitous shot of Ben and JoJo on the bed in their underwear swimsuits. We get it...two nearly naked people + I love you=SEX!

OK, so, to recap: Ben loves two women and Caila's going home. But, because Bachelor producers are scum of the Earth, someone tells Caila it'd be a great idea to surprise Ben at his hotel room to remind him how much she loves him and how little he loves her in return.

Exhibit #1039842734 why I can't stand Caila: The way she jumped and frolicked around Ben's hotel room, giggling and nibbling on her fingers as she wondered where Ben art thou. And when she "found him" outside, contemplating how he was going to break up with her, it was all I could do to not scream,"SURPRISE, YOU'RE DUMPED!"

And she was.

For the first time this season, Caila shows a slight semblance to a real human with real emotions and accuses Ben of feeding her a line and insisting he doesn't have to flatter her. "I'm just gonna go," Caila says. I don't think you have a choice, honey.

But WAIT! In one last act of desperation, Caila jumps out of the limo and wants to know when Ben knew he didn't love her. In other words: Was it before or after you fucked me, and then two other women, Ben?

Somewhat pacified by Ben's response that it was AFTER they boned, Caila buckles up for safety and drives away. Dry your tears, Caila girl. I have a feeling you'll have 25+ men vying for your heart in no time. And when you do, I will not blog about it because you bore me.

Rose ceremony time, and obviously we know the outcome. JoJo and Lauren both tell Chris that they are in love—as in, each of them, mutually, with Ben—and so they are confident, and Ben and his sister wives live happily after after.

"I told Ben I'm in love with him and he said it back." Hm, where has @chrisbharrison heard this before? #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/MOVSJAJd1R

— Us Weekly (@usweekly) March 1, 2016

Final thoughts: As much as I love JoJo, I think she's too strong for Ben. What makes me the most mad is that she most likely won't be able to be The Bachelorette because she's final two. Which leaves us with Caila. Wamp wamp.

Next week: The Women Tell All, and that means OLIVIA is back!

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Bachelor Recap: Teen Mom Goes Home

It's hometown week! You know, the one where all the girls profess their love and one of the families is paid a little extra to give The Bachelor some shit.

Or, in the case of this season, all of the girls say they love Ben, but don't actually tell him, and the families are aggressively possessive of their sisters/daughters.

Again, I'm left wanting a little more drama this week, but in its place, we had screaming toddlers, sexual innuendos at a food truck, a girl auditioning to be The Bachelorette, and a mom chugging wine from the bottle her sons interrogate Ben.

I guess when I put it like that...

Amanda's hometown: Laguna Beach

First of all, girlfriend needs to put on some pants and a shirt with shoulders. (Short shorts go for you too, Ben.)

Second of all, as a fellow mama, I can't and won't make any judgements about Amanda's girls or their crying. C'mon—cut poor Charley a break. She's what, like 2? Not to mention seeing her mom for the first time in weeks and being surrounded by cameras while meeting a strange man would be a lot for anyone.

In the same vein, we've gotta cut Ben some slack, too. They, of course, showed shots of him making faces about the crying, etc. EVERYONE gets annoyed at children crying. Even parents get irritated by their children crying. It's a normal reaction, and not one that automatically means he's not ready to be a dad.

But. He's not ready to be a dad.

Amanda's parents are nice enough but wonder if Ben is too young to be a father. Let's all remember that Ben is actually a year OLDER than Amanda. Cue Amanda saying that she'll be crushed if she goes home this week. 

Which we all know means she's going home this week.

Lauren B.'s hometown: Portland

Lauren B. gets points for best "alone time" portion of the hometown. Food trucks and a whiskey library? (Ahem, Lauren, it is LIBRARY—not liberry.) Even I was turned on by that, and I'm a lady!

I think we can all agree that Lauren's family is the most attractive family anyone has ever seen. We finally get to meet her Dad, aka her life-long crush. Her sister is cool AF, and I have an instant crush on her. Ben probably does, too.

If it wasn't clear to you before, I hope you can see after this date that how CLEAR it is that she is going to win. From the way they greet each other to the way Ben CRIED to his future sister-in-law, there's just no way Lauren doesn't win.

Caila's hometown: Randomville, Ohio
Don't forget, Caila has moved more than the average human (times 12), so as she told us at least 15 times last night, she doesn't have "deep roots." As a result, she chose the most picturesque town in Middle America and called it home for the night.

PS: Her dad owns a toy company. And not just any toy company. STEP2. My fellow parents out there can attest, this is not a small company. Is it a "thing" for people to move 27 times because of that?

Not gonna lie, I was bored to tears during this date. Caila doesn't feel real to me. She feels rehearsed, and like she's watched this show enough to know what to say and when. The whole "Daddy, I love him!" scene was painful and barf-inducing. And again, I feel like ABC is hitting us over the head to make sure we know she's Filipino (aka SHE'S DIVERSE!). AKA: She's the next Bachelorette. Mark my word.

Also: Her mother's adult braces...

JoJo's hometown: Dallas
Ah, JoJo. Thanks for the memories, girl. Where to start...

First, JoJo arrives to her (hotel? house?) in Dallas and sees a dozen roses on the front porch, and assumed they were from Ben. Halfway through the note that came with the flowers, she realizes it's actually from her ex, Chad. What was supposed to be big drama, fell flat for me. UNLIKE JoJo's hair, which was probably styled by Chad because he is, in fact, a hair stylist.

Back at JoJo's house, her brothers, one of whom starred in a reality TV show, Ready for Love, share that they're protective of JoJo. I didn't get the feeling it was a "I'm a big brother looking out for my sister," it was more of, "If I can't sleep with my sister without getting arrested, no one can!"

Seriously, though.

The brothers basically spend the date interrogating Ben, and JoJo. Meanwhile, JoJo's mom chugs champagne straight from the bottle (a natural maternal response in such a situation), and JoJo's mom seems surprised to learn that there are still three other girls in the picture. For what I'm sure will not be the last time this season, again, I ask: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHOW BEFORE?

Also, JoJo is not to worry about getting heartbroken because she is beautiful.

That she is, Mama Fletcher. Her beauty and her breasts saved her this week, and we indeed, said goodbye to Amanda.

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Bachelor Recap: Come at Me, Bro!

This week's episode was EVERYTHING. Let's not waste time:

We picked up where we left off last week, with Ben confronting Olivia about what the other girls are saying. Of course, she plays the victim and explains to Ben that she doesn't get along with the other girls because she doesn't like to paint nails and do hair - she loves to read and "talk smart things," even though she's dumb AF. So basically, Ben, Olivia is nothing like the shallow women you really like!

"Come at me, Bro," is Olivia's response to the girls hating on her. Must be one of the "smart things"she likes to talk, in addition to, "Everyone can suck it."

I've never been so confused during a date as I was during Caila's. Ben tells her she's too smiley and basically needs to reveal her deep dark secrets. In response, this is what I gathered:

Caila: I'm not ready to open up
-I feel like I love you
-I might break your heart
-Our love is real
-I'm confusing
Ben: I don't know what any of that means, but I like it.

Keep in mind, this is the girl who thought she fell in love with a guy on an airplane, and then broke up with her boyfriend because she saw Ben on TV. I feel like she is MORE than confused. All I really took away from her date is that Caila has watched The Bachelor enough times to know what she's supposed to say, so she put all of those sentiments in one giant verbal vomit hurl. And in the words of my girlfriend, Mandy, Ben "feels...feels...like you are a freak in the sheets and will keep you around."

Meanwhile, back at the house, the group date card arrives and Leah starts to question the world in which she's been living the past few weeks. Again, I have to wonder what these girls think they're signing up for before they come on the show. The group date attendees means that Olivia and Twin are going on the two-on-one.

Olivia isn't phased because she's going to feel like Twin's mom on the date...like she's babysitting? Even though 1) Mom's don't "babysit" (another dig at Moms!) and 2) SHE AND TWIN ARE THE SAME AGE.

Becca's face is everything.

On the group date, the ladies and Ben go on a boat where they encounter the "unpredictability of life" in the form of pigs swimming in the ocean. What in the serious Fuck. At least they clarified that they fed the pigs chicken hot dogs so we didn't think they were cannibal pigs. Also, this:

Something has transpired that we clearly missed, because suddenly the girls are pissed about Ben spending all day with Lauren B., even though we've only seen them together for 15 seconds. Things get a little awkward, Ben tries to have JoJo be his therapist, and then he realizes he needs to right his wrongs at the cocktail party.

Leah decides to try and save herself by playing a villain in talking shit about Lauren B., and then lying about it. If she wasn't going home before, she's definitely going home now. You're looking a little desperate, girl. It's not a good look.

To make matters worse, Leah "decides" to head on over to Ben's place (where he's casually watching TV and having a glass of red) to continue shit talking. AKA, the producers tell her she has nothing to lose (except her shot at a relationship with Ben). So let me get this straight: She hasn't gotten any time with Ben, and now that she has it, she wants to spend it talking about Lauren B. And she's confused that he sent her home?

Also...we never find out where the hell she got that black eye!?

(Anyone else feel like all this talk about how he shouldn't end up with Lauren B. is foreshadowing that she is exactly who he will end up with? Food for thought!)

As if we haven't had enough drama for the episode, now we get the 2-on-1. Twin hopes Olivia shows her true colors. Olivia appears to be so confident, she didn't bother getting ready for the date, while Twin actually looks gorgeous. (I've NEVER thought that about her.) Olivia goes on another diatribe about herself telling Ben, "Deep intellectual things are my jam," and when asked for an example, exclaims, "I love you."

{crickets}

Twin is gives a weird speech about growth and seeking validation that sounds more suited for asking for a promotion, so I don't have a good feeling.

OH MY GOD, WAIT!

Ben takes the Rose AND Olivia, and SAYS GOODBYE. She is so confident that she's getting the rose but SHE GONE! She's left standing on an island all alone, her cankles stuck in the sand. My guess is she'll probably stay there until they come back to film Bachelor in Paradise, because you KNOW she's going to be there.

No cocktail party tonight - I think Ben's had enough of the drama-rama this week. Lauren H. is clearly going home.

Other thoughts:

• JoJo seems to be a bit of a mother hen, no? She also wears a lot of see-through clothes.
• Olivia looks like a different person in every single scene. 
• The Twin is SO much prettier with no/less makeup. SO MUCH BETTER. 
• Does anyone know if Olivia made it off the island?

Top 4 remains:

1. Lauren B
2. Caila
3. JoJo (FAVORITE!)
4. Amanda

Best episode so far, guys! What did you think?

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Bachelor Recap: JoJo's Tacos {Cringe} + The Worst McDonald's Commercial Ever

There's too much to say this week, so let's cut to the chase and hit the highlights:

Amanda - I'm sure she is a sweet gal and a good mom, but I just can't with her high baby voice. Her pitch, coupled with how frequently she says"like" in a sentence really prevent me from putting her very high on my "favorites" list. However, I do think she seems well liked by the other girls, and I think Ben is into her. I'm fairly certain we like,  have to listen to her voice for at least a few more episodes. Side note: NO ONE WAKES UP LIKE THAT!

Ben's method of holding a champagne glass: Just no.

Jubilee - Pretty sure Jubilee did not know exactly what she was signing up for with The Bachelor. She's been salty since their one-on-one date, mostly because Ben is dating other women. She's bitchy to Ben (though I think she thinks she's being funny??), isolates herself from the women, is the only one not getting along with her cooking partner (the ever-likeable Lauren B.) We get it, Jubilee, you are not as "simple" as the other girls, and you also don't have blonde hair and white skin. I think Ben really liked her but when he saw that she was so insecure, rude and doesn't play well with others, he didn't have much of a choice to say buh-bye. The interwebs seem enraged by this choice, but I get it.

JoJo's taco: Your taco brings all the boys to the yard, JoJo. We got it. Your taco tastes amazing, Ben will love your taco, you've had no complaints about your taco. We are all laughing like the children we are, well done. (Also, her doppelgänger is Isla Fisher.)

Olivia - Oh, Olivia. She never disappoints, does she? Does she not get that the likelihood of getting a SECOND one-on-one date before other girls have even had a chance to have their first conversation (ahem, Jennifer & Leah) is just not happening? When Amanda gets the one-on-one, she says she doesn't think Amanda is what Ben's looking for. I've got news for you, Olivia, I'm pretty sure that Ben is also not looking for an insecure, self-absorbed, bad-breathed biotch who has to constantly be in the spotlight! Later, she tells Amanda she feels like she's in an episode of Teen Mom. So...pretty much, Olivia thinks that women with children are dramatic and damaged goods. I will say this about Olivia. While she definitely has a big chunk of crazy in her DNA, I also think Olivia is an easy target for the producers to bait. But don't forget guys, Olivia can feel the “electricitay.” Cool.

Cheating: Was it a requirement for this seasons ladies?

Fashion show/Lauren H.: I can't decide how I feel about Lauren H. She's had comedic moments, but mostly I think she's a bit dull. (She did win when she was woken up at 430am with her retainer and crazy hair.) I know nothing about fashion, let alone Mexican fashion, but I have no idea why Lauren is so amped about going to this fashion show! As if she's ever heard of this designer. And her worry about standing out among models? Don't worry, sweetheart, pretty sure Ben is only contractually obligated to be interested in you. I did like the wink Ben gave her walking down the runway. Honestly, I think my distaste for Lauren hasn't gone away from a couple of weeks ago when she said Ben needed to marry a soccer mom. (Seriously, what is with this women?)

McDonalds Commercial: I can't be the only one thinking "WHAT THE FUCK" duing that disaster of a commercial featuring former Bachelor couples. Not lovin' it, McDs. Not at all.

The twin: (Who is still labeled as, "Twin") I am not into the twins...have never been into the twins. Nor have I been into the TWIN. But, I did appreciate her humor tonight. She had a lot of one-liners that made me chuckle, and she sealed her fate for the season "snitching" on Olivia. I do wish she hadn't done the ugly cry during that whole thing, though. Also - she looks like a different person with no makeup.

To be continued:
Isn't ever episode to be continued? There's no way he's taking back Olivia's rose.

New top 4:
1. Lauren B. (She can see a LIFE LIFE with Ben, guys!)
2. JoJo
3. Amanda
4. Caila

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Bachelor Recap: Olivia's Losing Her Shit

I know, I know - I'm so late in posting! My excuse is I've been battling some kind of virus all week and after I get Liam down for bed, I have enough energy to eat dinner, watch my shows and sleep. BUT, I thought I'd knock this out over lunch today because this week was too good to skip.

Let's get to it! The theme of this week? Olivia's losing shit, ya'll!

The episode opens with Chris H. letting the ladies know that Ben is no longer in California because he has moved on...to Vegas! Can we stop for a second an talk about the fact that some of the ladies actually look like they believe that Ben has just decided that he's changed his mind on the whole "finding love" thing and gone home? And then can we talk about how excited they get when they learn their next destination is VEGAS? Clue #159 that most of the ladies here are age 25 and younger.

Also, why is Chris selling Vegas as the "Marriage Capital of the World?" Pretty sure it's the last place anyone thinks of when they think about a long, stable marriage. ANYWAY, off they go.

I also need to pause for a second (this could be a long one with all these pauses, we're only about 5 minutes into the show) and discuss instances like the marquee message from "Ben." The girls all gush about how cute and sweet it is. They can't really think Ben did that, right? I know it's a produced moment, you know it's a produced moment. Can the girls really not just like, acknowledge that, too? #petpeeve

Date #1 goes to my girl, JoJo! This date felt SUPER skimmed over to me. We basically only saw them get blown away by a helicopter (nice planning, producers), go to dinner and have a boring conversation about trust issues, then watch fireworks over the skyline. They spent as much time showing the girls watching the the date as we did on the date itself. Footage or not, I still love JoJo, still think she's definitely top 4, maybe even top 2, material.

Next up is the group date with everyone except Becca. These ladies get the pleasure of a talent show, which if not mortifying enough for some, becomes so when they learn they have to perform said "talents" in front of 1200 people AND national television. Even if you actually had a talent, this date would be the worst to be on. I'm having my own panic attack just thinking about it.

It appears that these ladies literally have zero talents, with the exception of Jubilee, who can, of course, play the cello (what can't she do?) and the twins, who can Irish tap dance and are actually decent. The other acts included juggling, hula dancing, a girl dressed as a clown, and another girl dressed as a chicken...(Where's that chicken lady from the first episode when we need her?). And lest we not forget the girl who dressed like a Vegas show girl, jumped out of a cake and performed THE MOST AWKWARD striptease (? is that what it was?) ever.

So, I have to saw, that while I was as horrified as you, as Ben, as the other girls...I have watched this show (and UNREAL) long enough to know that producers were behind that whole thing. Sure, she may have decided on the "showgirl" thing herself, but the whole cake thing and the comments she made about standing out...it all WREAKED of producers telling her that she could really impress Ben if she did this. Who can blame the girl for having a panic attack after that monstrosity? Let it be known, I am not an Olivia fan, but in this scene, watching her have a little "come to Jesus" about the fact that she is not, in fact, invincible.

But, all of that quickly went away during the cocktail party that night. Olivia's attempts to apologize for herself continually and further embarrass herself screamed insecurity, and not in a way that made me feel bad for her this time. This entire episode, again, makes it so clear that Olivia is not going to win this thing, not even close, and Ben is starting to see her crazy. Comments like, "Ben is my piece," "I'm zen with Ben, " etc etc don't do her any favors...just like the outfit she wore the night of the group date.

And who can forget the other countless awkward moments of the night - starting with Ben calling Caila a Sex Panther? Does she sting the nostrils, Ben, in a good way? How about Lauren H., whom I find to be uber annoying, and making out with a puppet, aka Little Ben?

Lauren B. gets the rose this date. You guys are kidding yourselves if you don't think she makes it to the final 2.

Becca gets the second 1-1, and the most hideous dress in all the land shows up with her name on it. Upon meeting Ben at the chapel, where he greets her on one-knee and she promptly looks terrified and says, "I"m so glad I didn't have to say 'yes' to a marriage proposal."

Ummm...so she's not winning. I actually don't even want to spend much time talking about her date, because though I like her, I'm over her story as a virgin and I still don't buy her being "ready" for anything that could come from this show. Actually, scratch that, I DO want to comment on when Ben's talking about Becca's virginity and he basically says that he's the opposite because that...was everything. Anyway, she and Ben's chest "marry" a few couples and then they talk about sex and make out. #blueballs

In the least shocking moment of Bachelor history ever, the TWINS are chosen for 'surprise' 2-on-1 date. Why is this not shocking to me? First, because I'm convinced the twins were brought on this show for the sole reason of being taken on a 2-on-1 date and TWO, because we are in their hometown, and the franchise can save on travel expenses for them.

I've gotta say, I don't get the twins. I don't know how they made it past the first night (see line about about 2-on-1), and I was sure, SURE, he was going to send them both home. I mean, the one had crystal skulls and PINK perfume in her room, along with pictures of her ex-boyfriend. My only question is, now that there is only 1 twin, will her occupation change?

Rose ceremony time!

Olivia continues to reiterate her insecurity and crazy by showing Ben her REAL talent of eating cake, and emphasizing to him that she hasn't been herself this week. Which, of course, we all know to mean, she's been COMPLETELY herself and she doesn't want to scare Ben off.

Amber gets sent home, no surprise, and so does, Rachel, which bums me out. I was sure she was my dark horse! Now I think the dark horse is JoJo.

A few more thoughts: I think it's completely weird that the girls were all over Jubilee last week, and this week there seems to be no drama there? Second, does Olivia not look different in every single scene to everyone else? Third, where was the hot tub?!

Final four predictions now that we're getting down to it:

1. Caila
2. JoJo
3. Lauren B.
4. Jubilee

What say you, Bachelor Nation? What'd  I miss this week?

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