When Your Inner Voice Isn't Nice.

I've had this post written for a while now, and have been too scared to hit publish. It's one of those posts that puts a knot in my stomach and makes me not want to make eye contact with people whom I know have read it.

But, these kinds of posts, while hard to write and harder to publish, are usually the ones that someone else needs to hear as much I need to write it.

In the past year, I've been working hard on self-development, specifically my mindset. Of all the books, podcasts and speakers I've read, listened to and seen, Rachel Hollis has resonated with me most. Specifically, "Girl, Wash Your Face," and "Girl, Stop Apologizing."

Rachel's belief is simple: You are the only one in control of your life. Stop breaking promises to yourself. Stop lying to yourself. Stop living your life for other people.

Easier said than done.

I've been able to take some of her advice and heed it easily. I try really hard not to break promises to myself. I am much better about not giving a shit about other people's opinions of me or what I do. I practice gratitude. I set goals and am focused on them. I'm drinking the fucking water.

And yet. There is one area where I continue to fail. Every single day.

"Be careful with the way you speak to YOURSELF... the words and phrases we use with ourselves become the soundtrack playing in the background of every moment of our lives and there's not a single thought—good or bad—that you don't allow to be there." —Rachel Hollis

Inside my head is not a nice place to be. The way I speak to myself is not kind. My inner voice, my constant companion, the "person" I talk to the most, is kind of an asshole.

I call myself fat almost every day.
I don't look in the mirror when I get in and out of the shower.
When my husband reaches out to hug me, my reaction is to move away because I'm afraid of what he feels when he puts his arms around me.
I tell myself I am lazy when I don't work out.
I lament over the things I didn't do in a day, instead of focusing on what I did do.
I agonize over the choices I made that day, for my kids and myself.
I shame myself for nearly everything. Too much time spent here. Not enough there. Too slow. Too fast. Not enough patience. Don't be a pushover. Did I smile enough?
I second-guess my own intelligence.
I wonder if I'm smart as I'm told I am, or as I know I am, or if I'm an imposter.
I call myself stupid.

"You are not stupid, so stop telling yourself that you are. You are not ugly, so stop thinking it—even occasionally—when you look in the mirror. You are not a b*tch, even if you sometimes do b*tchy things. You are not ignorant or mean or unlovable or unworthy or falling short or any of the other stupid crap running through your mind."—Rachel Hollis⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

A lot of people tell me they admire my confidence. And while I am confident about a lot of things, there are many moments where I'm the most insecure person in the room. Fake it til you make it?

I would never speak to a friend the way I speak to myself. Never. And likewise, if anyone spoke to me, the way I speak to myself, I'd run away crying and/or kick their ass.

The truth in that hypothetical gives me a good idea about how much my mind needs softening up. Because how can my mind be settled and calm when I'm constantly so hard on myself? How can I expect anything other than discontent when I talk to myself harshly?

Now, don't get me wrong. It's not like I walk around all day just berating myself. I definitely have days where I feel good, about anything or everything, and that's the soundtrack I dance to. I've just noticed that lately, for whatever reason, I've been a lot harder on myself, and my first reaction is not to cut myself any slack or give myself grace.

I put so much pressure on myself, and that's not the example I want to set for my boys, or what I want to teach them, and it's not the way I want to "be" in general. The good news is, it's a learned behavior, and I am the only one in control of it. And I can control it since I'm aware it's an issue.

I didn't write this for sympathy or fishing for compliments. Please don't tell I'm not ugly, or stupid or fat. Just because you say it, doesn't mean it's true. And no matter how much I may be able to recognize a nugget of truth in those statements, it doesn't just mean I can believe it myself. It takes time. 

So I just needed to put this out there. To tell myself, and to tell every person reading this who feels the same, or is hard on themselves like I am: Pay attention to negative inner-chatter, and let's work on shutting it down.

Someone I follow on Instagram wrote something so profound the other day that I'm compelled to share:

What will it take for us to understand? ⁣⁣⁣⁣How many moments we’ve missed. ⁣⁣How many tears we’ve shed. ⁣⁣All the intimacies we’ve denied. ⁣⁣⁣⁣What will it take??⁣⁣And when will we see? ⁣⁣⁣⁣That we cannot hate ourselves happy. ⁣⁣⁣And how truly destructive we’ve been. ⁣⁣⁣We are wasting precious time, energy, money and power to trying. ⁣⁣⁣⁣I mean PRECIOUS. ⁣⁣Fleeting. ⁣⁣Undetermined... ⁣⁣Time. ⁣⁣⁣So know, no matter what you feel about your body right now, these things will never change:⁣⁣1. You deserve to eat food. ⁣⁣2. You deserve to make memories.⁣⁣3. You deserve to be loved.⁣⁣4. You deserve to be in that room.⁣5. You deserve everything that is good in this world and in this life and your body is not a prerequisite for any of it. ⁣⁣⁣⁣And I really hope we understand. ⁣⁣Before we miss it all. ⁣⁣Lost to the hate. ⁣⁣We were never meant to hold. ⁣

I have come a long way in self-development, but I'm a work in progress. There is no happy ending to this post, except to say that every day, I'm working being kinder to myself. I'm going to try harder. I hope you do, too.

"...So every time you find yourself thinking something negative... stop yourself, drop the hateful litany, shut 'em down...then replace them with good stuff. If you do it enough the good stuff replaces the bad and when that happens everything in your life changes immeasurably."—Rachel Hollis

Big love. Lost to the hate. 

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