Cry for Me, Argentina: Bachelorette Recap

Alright guys. It's 11:45pm on Tuesday night, and I admittedly am not SUPER into writing this post right now. BUT I had more than a few people tell me they couldn't wait for my blog this week, so here I am, and I'm going to give you the best that I can.

Disclaimer: I've had 2 glasses of wine and am exhausted.

I don't know about anyone else, but I am BORED without Chad. Sure, this week had drama, but there ain't no drama like the Chad Bear drama 'cause the Chad Bear drama don't stop. right?

Anyway, I was all about the location of this episode, as hubby and I went to Argentina last fall and it was absolutely amazing. However, I could have done without all of the horrible Spanglish, red dresses and Evita.

The guys learn that for THE FIRST TIME IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY, there will be another 2-1 date, a 1-1 date and a group date.

Wells gets the first 1-1 date and his date card says to "bésame her already, muchacho!" That means, KISS HER YOU FUCKING IDIOT. The guys are beside themselves that Wells hasn't kissed JoJo yet, and while I do think there's something to be said for the whole "waiting for the right moment for your first kiss" thing...it's been 6 weeks and that's a long time in Bachelorette land OR IRL to wait for a first kiss. So...methinks Wells' time is up.

Sure enough, after talking about how it wasn't the right time to kiss her for about 15 minutes, he determined the right time time to kiss her WAS while in spandex and being thrown around a pool. They kept saying it was sexy but..."no mas." When JoJo straight up castrated Wells by high-fiving and congratulating him like an asshole, I knew Wells' time was up. And when JoJo said goodbye, I think all of America felt personally victimized.

FareWells!

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the group-date card comes, and Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex are going to live la vida boca, while Chase and Derek (aka Jim from the office) face the 2-1.

The group date heads to La Boca, which was one of mine and Bryan's favorite spots in Argentina. It's a "barrio" and is super cute. I have pictures of all the places they were, so that was fun to relive! The guys kick soccer balls to get a kiss with JoJo and despite Robby actually paying off some kid, James is the only one who "scores" so he gets to kiss JoJo.

To capitalize on his win, he finds it appropriate to tell JoJo that her boyfriend Jordan is SPOILER ALERT: "Jordan Rodgers. Whatever that means."

....yes, James...whatever that means? Also, does James not remember that the last time someone said something about JoJo's future husband, he was left in the woods? I'm not entirely sure why James thought JoJo needed to know "the truth" about Jordan. Which is in this case that he insisted his rules were THE RULES of a poker game.

I'm also not entirely sure why JoJo needs to "confront" Jordan about it, but she does, and needless to say, he's less than pleased when JoJo confronts him. I think he's as confused as the rest of us upon learning that his "character" is being called out because of a poker game. After JoJo flips his hair for him, Jordan returns back to the group and he is intensely swirling his wine like a motherfucker.  

When your enemy does this, you know you're in trouble...@BacheloretteABC #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/jFwNaPF5IR

— Good Morning America (@GMA) June 28, 2016

Awkward doesn't describe Jordan's disdain for James, and I've gotta say, James doesn't do a GREAT job of defending himself. And by that I mean he basically backed down like a coward.

Luke gets the rose because I forgot to mention earlier that she and Luke were basically having sex during their time together.

Onto the 2-1 with Derek and Chase. I've gotta be honest. This is boring. Watching these two tango with the Salsa Dancer Emoji, and watching her reaction to them both, I know in my heart that neither of these guys is going for Gold. While I like Chase, I do find him fairly....emotionless? I did get a good chuckle when he proclaimed that "Tangoing on a 2 on 1 date is stressful." Rough life, buddy.

JoJo: "Do you even like me? Like, at all?" 

Chase: "Yeah, totally." 

JoJo: "Cool, here's this rose."

And Derek...well, Derek cried his fucking eyes out while "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" played on, so.... there's that. Nice edit producers! Also, he talked about himself in the third person. So...bye, John Krasinski!

Rose Ceremony time! JoJo's blue dress is all kinds of amazing.

She tricks everybody into thinking she's not going to give out the last rose and instead, she is a total PUSSY and gives out two roses. So no one goes home.

WHY IS ALEX SO SMALL? Sorry, but it's just a matter of time before Alex and James go home. And by "a matter of time," I mean next week. Alex knows it, too. Looks like hometowns go to Luke, Jordan, Chase and Robby.

It's 1:23am. BYE!

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Mean Girls in South America: The Bachelorette Recap

What a letdown to be treated to TWO days and FOUR hours of The Bachelorette, be left in suspense, wait TWO WEEKS for a new episode and then...We got that?

I can't believe after all that, all we got was two mere minutes of Chad Bear. What a tease! Typical ABC.

After a protein powder cremation celebration in honor of Chad's departure, Chad lurks outside the cabin until he's, for some reason, let back in. I don't know about you, but if it were me, there's no way I'm letting that guy back in. He's been kicked off the show, so technically he has no consequences if he walks in and makes good on his promises to kill everyone (or at least beat their ass).

But, it's Daniel, so he does let Chad in, and nonchalantly asks, "What's up, dude?" Yeah, Chad...what's up? Not much, he says.

Yeah, man. Not much. You didn't just get sent home from your 2-on-1 date. It's not weird at all that you're back at the house with guys who can't stand you. Who, in fact, just had a funeral for you and called you the "worst person anyone has ever met." Even less weird that you feel like now's the time to blame everyone else for your departure, and that when given yet ONE more opportunity to redeem yourself, you continue to be an asshole. Don't ever change, Chad. We'll see you in Paradise!

Can somebody get Evan a new shirt already?

The guys rejoice Alex's return and prepare for another cocktail party and rose ceremony. It becomes pretty clear during the rose ceremony that even though Chad's gone, Alex is actually Regina George and finds new prey in house. In a last ditch effort to stay James F. makes JoJo cry with a super lame poem about her treasure of heart. (Isn't that a different Jameses thing?) We say goodbye to Daniel and James F., but not before Daniel pathetically admits that he has a terrible personality and makes the most bogus analogy ever about Evan staying on the show and Daniel getting struck by lightening by shaving his legs face? Yeah, I don't know. He raises a good point, though...

WHY DOES EVAN KEEP GETTING ROSES? WHO IS VINNY?

The crew is finally off to somewhere cool...URUGUAY! Jordan gets the first one-on-one South of the Border Equator, and on one is happy. Seems like now that Chad's gone, the guys need a new "Chad" to pick on. Jordan is the clear favorite, so the guys choose him.

While Jordan and JoJo are "sealing the deal" on a boat somewhere, the guys MYSTERIOUSLY get their hands on an US Weekly magazine...in a barber shop. So, they can't have phones, can't have books, can't have ANYTHING...but somehow they get this magazine that just so happens to feature a scandal about JoJo? Right.

The guys get their boxers in a wad while getting fresh by barber Vinny and all of them worry that JoJo is still in love with Chad. (Not be confused with THE Chad. This is her EX Chad. In summary: Chad=douche).

Back on the JoRo date, JoJo needs to ask Jordan about one of his girlfriends that she met. YEP. So, to recap: JoJo coincidentally met one of Jordan's ex-girlfriends before she knew she was going to be on the show? MmmmKay. Jordan tells her that her concerns are unfounded because he didn't "physically" cheat on his ex-girlfriend.

OK...so is that like when you have an "emotional affair" with someone, or some other bullshit? Jordan is an ex-NFL player, and sorry, but the dude has player written all over him. Do I still think he wins this whole thing? Yes, but that doesn't mean I buy his bullshit. JoJo does, though, and that's all that matters.

JoJo decides that her future hubby not physically cheating on his ex = AMAZING POTENTIAL and returns home from the date on Cloud 9. That is until the producers let her know that the guys have been crying all night about her scandal, which gets her crying, and then she has to explain herself to the guys, who accept her story as easily as she accepted Jordan's.

EVERYONE WINS.

What is Chase wearing?

The next day is the group date with everyone except Jordan and Robby, and honestly you guys, I didn't even really watch it. Because sand surfing? Sounds stupid. Plus, they got rained out and just spent the whole date talking shit about each other, but mostly Alex talked about how Derek was a douche for asking JoJo to reassure him with a rose. Alex calls Derek a whiny bitch, which is ironic, given that is what Chad called Alex, too. Derek gets a pity rose.

Robby's one-on-one is up next. They do the classic "walk about town" and "jumping off a cliff is like falling in love" date. Except then Robby actually DOES tell JoJo that he's in love with her. But not after he told her about how after his best friend died, he quit his job, dumped his girlfriend (who now makes out with Chad on Instagram) and came on the show. All in all, sounds like his feelings are for real and he's here for the right reasons.

(She says, her voice dripping in sarcasm.)

At long last, the SECOND rose ceremony is upon us. Derek feels the need to clear the air with Alex, Jordan and Chase about how they're actually "mean girls." (Points for Derek for giving me the title to this week's blog.) And that just pisses the guys off more because they need time to prep for their time with JoJo (that they never get) during the rose ceremony (that never happens).

Alas, we finally say goodbye to Vinny, Evan and Grant. Kudos to Evan for continuing to rack up the Bachelorette Fantasy points on his way out with tears.

Current Top 4 picks:
1. Jordan
2. Luke
3. Robby
4. Chase or Alex

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Mad at Chad: The Bachelorette Recap, Part 1

Wow, guys. I don’t even know where to start. This is my first official “Bachelorette” blog of this season, and there’s SO much to cover.

First of all...JoJo is hot. She’s got a bangin’ body, great boobs (fake, yes?), amazing hair…I think we can all agree. I, along with the rest of America, like JoJo and I think she’s gonna bring it this season.

The first two episodes were great fodder to set the stage for the rest of the season. The first episode, I felt like we got a real sense of the types of men JoJo likes...none of which are like the former love of her life, Ben. You know, that guy she keeps talking about? Here’s a hint, JoJo: Don’t continuously talk about your ex-boyfriend when you’re in the running for your future hubby. It’s not a good look.

Usually I feel like after the first episode, we have a really good sense of who’s gonna be the top dudes right away. I definitely felt that with Jordan and Luke, but the rest of the group was kind of up in the air for me.

The second episode gave us more in terms of what to expect this season. Most pleasing, we get to meet Chad, who started the episode by giving a group toast that essentially was, “Fuck you all.” And when I say “essentially,” I mean, literally. He literally said “Fuck you all.” 

We also get several glimpses into Chad's misogynistic, sociopathic, meat-loving mind…but I digress.

Let’s dig into this season of The Bachelorette starting with part 1 this week’s two-episode nail biter!

(Seriously though, I was biting my nails. Chad is fuckin’ scary, dude. All those scenes with him whistling through the woods while he plotted acting out his death threats? CREEPY is an understatement. I’m getting ahead of myself.)

Part 1 (Monday) kicked off with what looked like a scene from Neighbors: passed out dudes, empty champagne glasses, half-eaten trays of deli meat and bros talking about how much they can bench.

Chase gets the first one-on-one date, where and he JoJo “get physical” with some hot yoga. By “get physical” I mean they had something called anger-gasms and then Chase tried to not get a massive erection while JoJo straddled him. (Seriously though, that had to have been hard. Pun intended). Both JoJo and Chase conclude that they feel a connection and that “yoga isn’t that bad.” I wonder if they know it doesn’t always have a happy ending? Sexy yogi time is followed with a traditional dinner they don’t eat, a private concert by one of the Lady Antebellums, and Chase gets the rose. I like Chase, so all good there.

Next up was the group date, featuring Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F. (who?), Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, St. Nick, Erectile Evan, Little Alex and The Chad. Damn, there’s a lot of dudes still here. And about half of them are sitting around in half-zipped hoodies with nothing underneath.

The Chad is pissed he was invited on the group date because he’d rather get one-on-one time. Of course, that pisses off the guys who aren't getting dates this week. Jordan calls Chad stupid, Chad calls Jordan pathetic because all he’s ever done is “throw a piece of leather,” Little Alex chimes in and gets called a midget. This is straight out mean girls, ya’ll.

Let’s pause: Alex is hot. Why does he have to be so short? And why does Jordan have to have that annoying piece of rogue hair?

The guys finally leave for their date, and are brought to a show. But not just any show: A SEX SHOW. Not just any sex show: a SEX STAND-UP show. I know, right?

The guys’ reactions were the same as mine when the first “performer” came out and starting having an orgasm. I mean, what is this, the Vagina Monologues? Nope. The guys legitimately had to go on stage and tell a funny story about a sexual experience. The Chad is not into it because he thinks his sexual history is “none of JoJo’s business.” Wait, sorry. Sources just confirmed that it’s not that his sex life is none of her business, it’s that she hasn’t EARNED the right to know about it. Who the fuck is this kid?

Here’s the problem with Chad: He speaks the truth. All he does is talk about how the other guys are idiots for saying they’re falling love with JoJo so early, that he'd rather not go on a date with 12 dudes, that no guy wants to tell an embarrassing sex story in front of a girl they just started dating...All true. but hearing it from Chad, who's clearly an asshole, just makes you want to do something crazy, like defend this show and all it stands for.

Because really, that's what's happening here, right? Chad's not playing the game. He's not that into JoJo. He's not into making friends with the guys. He won't sing along to songs with the guys or do choreographed swimming. And that, as we all know, is bad for the franchise, so I have a feeling that's where his villain edit came in. Well that, and he truly is a dick.

Anyway. Grant goes first and everyone is laughing, but I feel like it could be at his tight ass pants, not his story. Evan uses the opportunity to talk about how steroids can cause erectile dysfunction...you know, because Chad uses ‘roids and Evan specializes in erections. The other guys LOVE it because it means someone other than them is calling out Chad, JoJo doesn’t get it, and Chad looks like he’s going to murder Evan while he sleeps. Instead, he just rips Evan’s shirt when he meekly tries to cross Chad’s path, and then says that Evan was the one who pushed him.

Right. Ever hear the phrase, “Pick on someone your own size?”

Chad decides to not play along and asks JoJo to join him on stage where they can create their own sex story in front everyone. Except JoJo denies him hardcore and that just pisses The Chad off even more, while the other guys are absolutely giddy. 

At the cocktail party afterward, everyone’s wearing black leather jackets, Chad interrupts literally every 1-1 time and it becomes clear that JoJo and Jordan are gonna bone sometime this season. Evan pulls the “it’s him or me” card on JoJo, and while I’m not sure why, she gives Evan a rose and asks him to stay, despite Chad being there. He’s a pussy, so he said yes. 

PS: Another Chad truth after Evan gets the rose: "Is this a real scenario right now? Like you’re actually, right now, vibin this dude?” (Damn it, Chad, get out of here.)

Meanwhile, when asked about his bad behavior, Chad pulls the, “It’s not me, it’s them,” and JoJo falls for it. I think she has a thing for Chads. (P.S.: Ex-Chad is DEFINITELY making an appearance this season.)

James Taylor gets the next 1-1 date. The two get dressed up to go swing dancing, then sit in a car sipping something hopefully alcoholic out of thermoses. Honestly, nothing sticks out about this date other than the fact that he made her cry with another song. He seems a little too nice for her, if you ask me. I think she kinda likes the bad ones.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Chad nonchalantly is chowing down on a fucking RAW ASS SWEET POTATO while a chubby “bodyguard” roams the perimeter. Sorry, but methinks that dude isn't going to be able to do shit to defend himself against Chad, let alone anyone else.

The bros learn that there will be no cocktail party...but there WILL be a pool party. JoJo wants to see the bods on these bros. Evan feels the need to tattle on Chad to Chris Harrison (he’s getting so many points in my Fantasy league!), and Chris confronts Chad. Somehow they get to talking about steroids and Chad assures him he wouldn’t have been able to get them on the property (I know you all caught that, too). Chris tells Chad to “settle it” and Chad’s immediately disappointed to learn that he means with his words. Wamp wamp.

TO BE CONTINUED….

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Men Tell All: Bachelorette Recap

In case anyone was wondering, having to sensor yourself on your blog, which was intended to be a freedom of expression and thoughts, is not easy. Every day, I write blog posts that I have to keep sitting in my draft section. I'm just really trying to be careful since I'm job searching, and I don't always know who is reading and what will offend or turn them off.

Granted, my Bachelorette recaps are not always super PC, but those are written with the intention of being funny and making fun of a show - versus putting personal stuff out there, ya know?

In any case, I'm going to attempt a recap for last night's Men Tell All, although I think we can agree that overall, it was pointless, painful and full of promotions for everything from babies to scarves to Bachelor in Paradise.

Let's start with this sonogram business. I don't get what was happening here. To have an update on a Bachelor spawn is one thing, but let's get one thing straight. JP and Ashley did not find out last night they were having a boy. First of all, I follow Ashley on Instagram and back in April, they shared their news. Not to mention the article that ran on People.com. So I guess I don't get why they whored out their fetus for no real reason. At least Chris Harrison didn't ask them if they accept this baby.

See it here.

Next up was the first of many mentions about ABC's new summer show, Bachelor in Paradise, where if you find love, you can stay. For a show that preaches that people be there for the right reasons, this concept seems like something of a stretch, but whatever. It looks to be full of drama and drunk people, two of my favorite things. At least when it comes to writing blogs. Anyway, if I had to bet, I'm sure the season is filled with people hooking up with more than one person, someone has a girlfriend they didn't tell us about. I don't know what the promos were about with the handcuffs, ambulances and blood, but I'm sure if it was something crazy, we'd have heard about it, so it's likely nothing.

And then we finally get to the guys. At first, I was horrified when I saw two scarves in a row, but once I saw every single person wearing one, I got the joke. GOOD ONE, ABC. For the most part, I didn't recognize many of these guys, seeing as most of them were only on for a couple of episodes.

Before anyone got in "the hot seat," we talked about the race issue for what seemed like forever. Andrew didn't make things better for himself when he called Marquel "Ron" (you know, the only other African American). I don't believe that ABC didn't have audio of whatever Andrew said to JJ. Don't all these guys wear mic packs? They probably just wanted the squabbling on the show, but either way, someone is lying and there's your drama. Whatever, I'm sick of talking about this. Let's talk about how drunk JJ looked during that whole scene. Either that, or he was going to cry. His eyes were bloodshot and glazed over and he had trouble talking, so...do the math.

Marquel comes up to the hot seat and all the women in the audience start crying when they replay his journey of lost love. What is wrong with the world, specifically, the women in this audience? I'm not going to spend too much time with Marquel; I thought he was boring during the season and I think he's boring now. Moving on to Marcus in the hot seat, which basically focused on how early he told Andi he loved her and if he could possibly find love again. Anyone with a brain could sense this was foreshadowing to his time on BIP. He's already engaged to someone he spent three weeks with on that show, so I think we know that he can love again. Or at least propose to someone after lots of sex for three weeks.

And then there was Chris. Do they have to make it so obvious when they're talking to the next Bachelor? His time was focused on how he's going to move on and find love in small town Iowa? "Well, duh, Chris Harrison, you're gonna find me 25 women who don't have an issue living on a farm with a millionaire, that's how." Also who DAFUQ was that chick in the audience? That whole encounter was so scripted and awkward, it hurt. Anyone want to bet she shows up on Chris' season as the Bachelor?

Finally Andi shows up to show everyone she's not pregnant like the tabloids say, and basically admits that she picks Josh when she has the chance to find out his lies and instead says she is going to "trust the process." Did anyone else think her time getting questions was over way too soon? Basically we were just reminded that she says "like" a lot, and that even though she says it wasn't the reason, when it comes to Chris, #blameitoniowa. I got the impression none of these dudes cared that much anymore about what happened, considering its been 2 months and half of them are back in the saddle and the bedroom as a result of being on the show. 

Chris Harrison has lie detector results and the only interesting thing I learned from that is that Marcus is a man-whore. More than 20 girls, eh Marcus? Good on ya, bro. 

Finally: Those bloopers sucked.

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Blame It on Iowa

The end is near, ya'll. The end of The Bachelorette, anyway. Not to fear, as Bachelor in Paradise starts up again soon, I'm sure the fodder for that show will be able to supplement a few solid blog posts.

My hubby is in New Orleans for the week and I had no interest in being home alone all week. Normally I don't mind it, but I realized the other day that in these days of "funemployment," I rarely speak until he gets home in the evenings, except to talk to Addy (my dog). So Sunday, we took to the road and I decided to relocate my job search to Iowa, where I could spend my days with nieces, nephews, parents, siblings and friends.

On Monday night, I watched The Bachelorette with my mom. Now, something to know about Ma, as we lovingly call her: She talks a lot and is filled with one-liners that she doesn't even know she's providing. Soon after we started watching the show last night (during all the fluff at the beginning) I realized she was going to talk the whole time-- so I started taking notes. So, today's recap is color commentary, courtesy of my Mama. Direct quotes, with some context so you know why she was making said remark. You can see where I get my humor. Enjoy!

Nick's Date
"Ugh, Nick is such a worm." (As soon as he gets out of the car and is talking about how he wants to tell Andi he loves her.)

"Awww, look at the hearts!" (Referring to the heart shapes seen in the water from the helicopter.)

"Wow, look at the water. It's beautiful. Say it again, Andi."

"Oh, cute, they have matching suits." (In sarcastic tone.)

"Don't ask me to get out of the water right now, Andi!" (While they are passionately making out in the ocean.)

"Yeah, with 20 cameras around!" (When he says he has such a connection with Andi.)

"Stubbornness? Red flag!" (When talking about his breakup and how his ego was bruised.)

[I commented on Andi's resting bitch face, which she was making when Nick was talking to her about his broken engagement. My mom declared she looks like a Grouper.]

"Grouper face!" she shouted, proudly.

Good call, Mom.

"Uh oh. Uh oh. NOPE, she's not into it." (As he stumbles and says "um, um" and can't spit out I love you.)

[evening portion]

"What are you wearing, Nick? What a dork." (In reference to his neon outfit he wore in the evening, which was dumb, I agreed.)

During Nick's story: Laughing out loud, nonstop, followed by, "What a dork." (seriously though...that was incredibly stupid.)

"What a dork." (When he told Andi what he loved about her, instead of saying I love you.)

"Do they have to make those SMACKING noises?" (While they make out on the couch.)

Josh's date

"She should pick him because he doesn't dress stupid like Nick."

"You can see your bra, Andi!" (Talking about Andi's outfit."

"God, he's a horrible dancer." (Dancing in the streets of the Dominican.)

"Get over the baseball thing, Josh. Why do you have to play baseball when you're in the Dominican Republic?"

"Uh oh, hands are pretty high up on the thigh there, Josh!" (as they sat on the bench talking about Josh's hometown.)

"Yep, that's who she's gonna pick. She doesn't kiss Nick like that." (after he tells her he loves her.)

"Grouper face!"

"Her hand's on his crotch!" (still on the bench.)

"You can really see her bra now." (In her interview when she's talking about how amazing the day has been.)

"It's not that hard honey! Just beat 'em. Ask Rachie." (When Andi is talking about how she won't know how to discipline her children.

[Still in reference to disciplining kids]
Mom: "Slip 'em a Mickey." Me: "What's a Mickey?" Mom: "See, it worked!" (I looked it up and a "Mickey" is a drink laced with drugs to make the drinker unconscious. Thanks, Ma!)

"Wanna say that one more time?" (after Josh says "we've gone through a lot already" more than once.)

"Smack smack smack!" (while they make out.)

[evening portion]

"Uh oh." (She was getting nervous when they talked about Andi stereotyping Josh.)

"Oh for Gods sake." (Disgusted by Andi talking about Josh being too goofy.)

"Grouper face!"

"Oh, what's this. He's gonna say no to the Fantasy Suite."

"OK cameras, time to leave!" (as they enter the Fantasy Suite.)

Chris' date

"Let me grab ya by your hips and haul your ass up!" (As Chris hoists Andi up onto the horse.)

"Well then you ain't gonna cut it in Iowa hun! (Said in twang, as Andi is panicking on the horse.)

"Country girl? Yeah totally. (Chris talking about how Andi is a country girl.)

"That's beautiful? It looks like Iowa." (As they talk about the fields they were riding horses through.)

"'I wanna work in bum fuck Iowa!'" (Sarcastic voiceover for Andi as she talks about his mom being a city girl.)

"Another hand high up on the thigh." (As they got ready to play Ghosts in the Graveyard.)

"Is that a gun in your pocket, Chris, or are you just happy to see her?" (After a crotch shot of Chris.)

[I went to the bathroom at this point and when I came back she said:] "You didn't miss anything. They were playing Ghosts in the Graveyard in an ugly field."

[evening portion]

"That's real enthusiastic." (Sarcasm, when Chris asks Andi what she thought about Iowa, and she said it's "great.")

"I'd be fricking bored, Chris!" (When he asks her how she feels about 'the Iowa thing.')

"Grouper face!" (Laughing hysterically, points and laugh, as Chris says there is room for smart attorneys in Iowa.)

"If you were truly in love, it wouldn't matter." (Andi says she doesn't know about living in Iowa.)

[As she's telling Chris she doesn't have the same feelings him, my mom interjects the real reason from Andi]:
"I like Josh and Nick better and I already had sex with them and I don't want to confuse myself!"

"That fuckin' sucks, Andi." (Doing a voice over for Chris, as he actually says something very nice to her.)

"Push her in the pool!" (When they stand up to walk Chris out.)

"They grow 'em good in Iowa." (In twang, referring to what a good guy Chris is.)

[Starts singing 'I Can't Make You Love Me' as Chris is in the limo driving away.)

"Go back to the farm and think about it while you drive your tractor." (As Chris says he doesn't know what to do now.)

Rose Ceremony

[Mom came back from the bathroom and Andi was still talking to Chris.] "She's still yacking?!"

"Pretty color, ugly dress."

"Nick's pants are too short!"

"Of course you're excited, you just slept with them!" (After Andi gives them both roses and they accept.)

Me: Thanks Mom, you just wrote my blog recap.
Mom: WHAAAAT? I didn't even say anything!

Happy Tuesday!

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Just the 10 of Us: Bachelorette Recap

Something is messed up with my scheduling here. I scheduled this post to go up yesterday and my 4th of July post to go up Monday, and here we are at 10:30 Wednesday night and this didn't get published! In any case...here was my take on the hometowns of the Bachelorette. 

As we get to this point in the season, I find writing these recaps to be harder because there's not nearly as much or as many people to make fun of. By this point, we know all of Andi's quirks (i.e. resting bitch face and the awkward rose pose). We know that Marcus dropped the L bomb too early, that Chris is too nice, Nick's not nice enough and Josh is her type.

In any case, when there's family involved, there's bound to be at least someone or something to make fun of.

Nick
Andi's first hometown is in Milwaukee, where Andi and Nick both seem to freeze their asses off most of the time. Nick's infinity scarf obsession makes more sense now. The asshole's just cold. Nick takes Andi to his "favorite place" in Milwaukee - a grocery store! Let's be real, this is not Seattle.  Don't try to play up the city market as a selling point. To that point, Andi, don't act like you've never been to a brewery before. And to the both of you, don't act like smelling beer brewing is actually pleasant. Anyone who's been to a brewery before (aka everyone) knows that beer does not smell good until it's make its way into your glass, ready to drink. Also, I don't believe for a second that Andi has never heard of The Polka. By the way Nick, pretty sure it's not a "Wisconsin dance." So pretty much, this date has been a bunch of lies.

Next Andi and Nick go to his parent's house, where his 250 siblings are waiting, including a 9-year old girl who I thought was Nick's niece. Seriously though...isn't 20+ years a little much of an age gap? Like, how old is Nick's mom? Speaking of being 9 years old, instead of talking to her like she was young, Andi talked to that chick like she had a learning disability. "Do you know what a mental connection is?" No, and and #noonecares. Nick's family was nice enough, but at the end of the day, we all know he sucks, so let's just move on to Chris.

Chris
I must admit, I like Chris so much more than I did the first episode. He seems like a truly nice guy, so I'll have to get over his teeth. Plus, I have a feeling I'll have to stare at them a lot more given my predictions of him being the next Bachelor.

Chris takes Andi to his farm, where she acts like he's showing her the Eighth Wonder of the World. "YOU DRIVE THIS? SHUT UP." "THIS IS YOUR HOUSE? SHUT UP." "YOU LIVE HERE? SHUT. UP." No Andi, you shut the fuck up. Why don't you tell us all how much of a MAN Chris is?

They go for a picnic in the cornfield where Andi wonders what she'll do for work in Iowa. As though there's no lawyers in Iowa. Andi claims she's a country girl at heart because her family has a lake house in Alabama. Yes, that's a serious statement. Chris woos here with a cutesy little I love you sign on an airplane (I'm sure this was the talk of the town!), but despite that, I think it's pretty clear here that Andi ain't gonna cut it in Arlington, Iowa, population 500, of which Chris' family makes up half. His family was super nice, as most folk in Iowa are. (I'm from there, I say that confidently.) However, it's still not going to be enough for her, in my opinion. We shall see..

Josh
Next Andi shows up in Tampa to see Josh wearing no pants, another clue that this is the man of her dreams. Josh's entire date is a snooze fest. Either Josh is talking about baseball or they're talking about his brother, who in case you missed it, now plays for the Kansas City Chiefs. I don't really have much to say about this date. Underwhelming, for sure. Foreshadowing for the life they're destined for when she picks him.

Marcus
Oh, Marcus, you little rodent look alike, you. Marcus takes Andi to a strip club in a strip mall to kick off their date. You know, normal. Nothing says "I love you" like taking off your clothes with disco lighting. Marcus  introduces Andi to his abusive and apparently European mother, and also to his brother. I honestly can't think of anything witty to say about this date. I was bored.

Eric Hill Thing
The Eric thing. I'm not sure what to think of this. I think it was good they addressed it. I mean, they had to, given that they showed him on the show. The whole thing was just really uncomfortable watch. It got even more uncomfortable when they "put down the cameras" and the crew and producers were hugging everyone. It's a terribly sad situation, to be sure, but I still think Andi was upset mostly because she was a total bitch to this guy in their last conversation and no one wants that on their conscience. The good news is, I'm pretty sure Eric had moved on by this time and didn't think twice about it. Sad nonetheless and hard to watch.

Marcus goes home and I have to say I'm surprised - I thought Chris was a goner. Don't be too sad about Marcus ladies. I read a SPOILER that he is on Bachelor Paradise and gets engaged on the show, so I think he's just fine.

Can't wait for the fuh-fuh-fan-ta-ta SEEEEY dates!

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Mime Me a Story: The Bachelorette Recap

This week we're in France, where Chris Harrison is dressed like..this.

I missed the beginning, but am joining in where apparently Andrew called Marcel a blackie? C'mon man, you're a social media manager. You know that is not in the community guidelines.

Josh and Andi are on a one-on-one date and after we see Josh's hand linger on Andi's waist for too long, we find out, in case you guys didn't know, JOSH IS AN ATHLETE. Not much to report here except that these two obviously are into each other. Also, how many private concerts do you think Andi has to go to before she says, "enough is enough!" Josh acts amazed by this one-on-one concert, for which he loses points, but I still dig him, so it's cool. Josh for the win!

Just when I think this show can't get any more embarrassing, it outdoes itself. For this next group date, Andi takes them to do something very "French;" Miming. Something tells me the guys didn't like "miming" when Andi references "nonverbal communication." Not much to say about this portion of the day. (See what I did there?)

Moving on to the group cocktail hour, where we FINALLY get some good old fashioned drama between grown men. Meanwhile, Andi shows up wearing Chris Harrison's turtleneck from earlier, thereby ruining an otherwise cute skirt.

Cody goes off on Nick V and is reminding me of a ghetto Sean Lowe. Anyone?

Tonight is dog on Nick night, and everyone is spending their one-on-one time talking shit about him. No one has learned anything from this show in the history of ever. I think ABC is trying to edit Nick to make us not like him, but I don't mind him, personally. 

Once Nick gets his time with Andi, she calls him out on his bad attitude and tries to get him to confess to being an a*hole, which he does, but not really, and then he reads some god awful embarrassing poem. And apparently, that works in the land of The Bachelorette, because he and Andi go through some awful/awkward kissing/pecking. I don't know about Nick, but I think Andi likes him and he's sticking around. 

Sidenote: Andi gets SUPER nasally when she drinks, no?

Marcus drops the "falling in love" bomb again. NO, Marcus! Shave your face, Marcus! Stop kissing like that, Marcus!

Back with the rest of the children, Marquel confronts Andrew about his "blackies" comment, which of course, he denies. For the record, I don't think Andrew said the "blackies" comment, mainly because I think he's homosexual and is there more of the "everyone is equal" mindset. 

Brian's next for his turn at a one-on-one, and GOD DAMNIT I hate it when they do the dates around the cities and talk about how "normal" it is. IT'S NOT FUCKING NORMAL. They cook back at Andi's apartment and she - SHOCKINGLY reads way more into a situation than normal by wondering why Brian isn't coming up behind her stealing kisses, and why oh why isn't this is romantic as the movie? I think the answer is in that sentence, sweetheart. In any case, I can't really hear what Andi is saying since she's whispering, but I'm gonna go out a limb and say that one of two things will happen: A) Brian will say something that she likes and that sounds like it was from a movie and he'll stay or B) he'll go home.

Let's get to the rose already, cuz this shit is boring and for the love, stop PECKING. You're in France. Have you heard of a FRENCH KISS?

Rose ceremony time, and it looks like Andi is not only rocking an "Elsa" braid a la FROZEN, she's also pulling the 'I DON'T WANT A COCKTAIL PARTY' that happens every season. GASP, she wants to cut THREE guys and Chris Harrison braces her by saying "they're gonna be upset." Thank you, once again, for your insight Chris Harrison. 

via

Sidenote: Why does Andi hold the rose in front of her like that with her elbows out? It's nearly as annoying as her sinus probs.

Welp. Marquel is going home and people all over the world are calling this show RACIST. You should see how many people on Twitter want Marquel to be the next Bachelor, but that would mean the show ISN'T racist and we all know that...it is. 

My top four still stands: Chris, Marcus, Nick V. and Josh, with Josh taking it home.

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The Bachelorette Part 2: Ain't No Shame, Except When There Is

Finally, after a productive evening of working, grocery shopping, cooking dinner and unpacking from our trip (which we returned from a week ago), I had some time to lie in bed and watch the second episode of Andi's "journey."

Let's just call this episode what it was: A Crock of Shit.

The Eric thing. This episode was supposed to commemorate Eric. Instead, it was all about Andi and ended up making Eric seem like a jerk. The sit-down with Andi and Chris Harrison was downright horrible. No one cares what Andi thinks or how she feels. She knew the guy for 4 weeks, was a bitch to him and is now trying to make herself feel better as a result of her own behavior. Also, she pretty much only talked about how sad she was that she wouldn't get a chance to see him on the reunion. Do I think it sucks that her last conversation with him was what it was? Of course. But if ABC really wanted to celebrate this guy's life, they would have talked to the guys he lived with and spent time with, at the very least. Or, do everyone a favor and not show Eric's conversation with Andi at all. Because now you have people all over the Internet, me included, judging her and ABC.

As if it wasn't sad enough to watch a deceased guy -- who happened to be super cute, super nice, super interesting and super honest -- ABC seriously had THIS be his last episode? I fail to believe that there wasn't any more footage they could have shown of his conversation with Andi or saying goodbye to the guys that they could have shown to have his last scenes be shown in a more appropriate way. Look, obviously you can't change history. He left the show this week and that would have happened no matter what. But to have viewers last image of him to basically be that of an asshole is inaccurate and a dick move. Shame on ABC.

Also, who the hell does Andi think she is? I think we can all remember when she confronted Juan Pablo for being disingenuous and not getting to know her enough. So when Eric calls her out for the same thing, she gets pissed and sends him packing? Actually "calls her out" is not even the right term to use. Dude was just trying to be honest and her reaction was complete defensive and over the top, in my opinion. She even busted out the same phrase “if you say (blank) one more time, I’m going to lose it.”

I don't know. A lot of people think this was handled well and I don't agree, but I also have to remember that this situation is separate from Eric's death. Either way, I think Eric speaking up to Andi was commendable and I'm glad he at least stayed true to himself at the end. It's going to suck even worse when we have to go through it with the rest of the cast when they get news that Eric passed away.

Not much to say about the rest of the episode, but I've got a few things to mention.

-Anyone notice Andi's constant bitch face? Or maybe it's more of a  "who farted?" face. She makes it ALL THE DAMN TIME and it's becoming hard to watch. 

-Dylan looks like Ed Burns. And he's a little weird.

-I still have serious questions about these guys. When they all get to the hotel in Connecticut, their first move is to immediately pile into the bathtub together...DAFUQ?

-Marcus pulls the "I can't believe I'm falling in love with you" already. Don't believe it, Marcus, because you're not.

That's all I got. What were your thoughts on Eric's last episode?

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Bachelorette Recap Part 1: It's (Not) So Hard to Say Goodbye

Can we all agree that a double dose of The Bachelorette is too much? I forgot there was an episode on Sunday, so I watched that one last night and tonight will have to watch last night's and cover that (did you catch that?). Basically, you'll get Monday's recap tomorrow. Sorry I'm not really sorry, but two hours of this BS at once is about all I can take. FYI, they did this because there's no episode next week.

This week they are off to Santa Barbara, an "unbelieveable" destination a whole 45 minutes from where they are now. Seriously? Methinks the travel budget has been reduced because next week they "get to" go to Connecticut? Don't act excited guys, it's not exciting.

First up for a one-on-one is Nick V., who at first glance reminds me of Frank Buffay on Friends, aka Giovanni Ribisi. Anyone?

There's not much to say about this date. She's into him, he's into her. I like Nick because he's one of the "normal" ones who actually questions the notion of finding love on a reality TV show. He gets a rose anyway.

Before the worst group date in Bachelor History, we have yet another Suave Commercial, which are somehow more awkward and horrible than anything I've seen in a long time. I used to respect Catherine and Deana. (By respect, I mean 'stalk them on Instagram.) But now...I just can't.

Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick and Marcus gather with Andi at a bogus Music Academy where the men walk in to a serenade of Boyz II Men singing, "I'll Make Love to You."

I'd like us all to sit and think about this for one minute: 12 dudes walk into a room where 3 other dudes (where's the 4th Boyz, BTW?) are singing a song to said 12 dudes that is strictly about getting laid. Anyone else think this is weird? I mean, I have noticed since night one that, as with every season of The Bachelorette, the dudes are heavily invested in some serious Bromance, but c'mon, this is a little much. 

Another side note: Boyz II Men was my first concert. My parents got my sister and I six tickets to their concert for Valentine's Day. We got to take a limo and everything. I remember thinking that people would probably assume we were the band when we pulled up out front. I felt beautiful in a black and white babydoll dress with knee-high socks and black patent leather shoes. It was an amazing night.

You can imagine my disappointment to see such a beloved group stooping to such a low as a freaking group date on The Bachelorette. 

In any case, the men are divided into two groups where Boyz II Men will coach each group to perform portions of "I'll Make Love to You" in front of a live audience. If I were someone who'd actually paid money to go to this concert and this group of yahoos sang one of the BEST SONGS EVER instead I'd be as pissed as the little blonde girl covering her ears the whole time.

This was painful to watch. Especially when the "Opera Singer" tried to sing in a ridiculous vibrato and that wedding planner (did anyone else just notice he's a wedding planner?) held the mic like Eminem.

Let's move on to the party portion of the date where hilarious Andi "pranks" meathead Cody (about as funny as Sean Lowe saying he still lived with his parents), makes out with everyone and ultimately gives Josh the rose. I'm going to go on a limb and say Josh makes it to final two, hands down. He's her type guys. HOT.

Next Andi goes on a one-on-one with No Pants Dance/Panstaprenuer where she decides it's a good idea to make herself and her future husband look ugly by "growing old" together. For some reason, Andi thinks looking old, walking around a park and talking like Lindsay Lohan will help determine if she can see herself with JJ for the long haul. I'm bored. And I take back what I said about Boyz II Men being the worst date. While other guys get to ride in helicopters and watch sunsets from a cliff, he gets to look ugly and walk like a hunchback.   

Meanwhile Ron leaves due to a death of a friend, which is sad, but...see ya, Ron. We hardly knew ya. No seriously, we don't know a single thing about you. The guys get mad at Andrew for apparently getting some chick's phone number (are we sure it wasn't a dude?). And she sends home the guy with the rat tail, aka "I love lamp."

Next week (damn it, tomorrow...er last night?) we go to Connecticut. Can't wait?

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