Lately I've found myself in a bit of a negative funk. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it's intense. It infiltrates every part of my brain.
I just feel like there are so many things to juggle right now. Everything is only getting half my effort or attention - nothing gets 100%. It's a shitty feeling.
I've made a concerted effort lately to change my perspective. To try and not be so hard on myself.
People tell me this all the time - that' I'm too hard on myself. I always have been. I'm that girl who brings herself down with more negative thoughts than I'd ever admit to anyone who asked.
Nothing I do is good enough. I don't exercise enough. I am too forgetful. I am so clumsy. I am too this, too that, not enough this and definitely not enough that.
Now, as a mom, those "flaws" morph into anxiety or worse, guilt.
Over having to go to work every day and leave Liam with a nanny.
About not yet having started a college savings account for him.
About looking forward to bedtime some nights, even though I've only spent a total of 3 hours with him that day.
Still about not exercising enough.
About not being able to get done all the things I used to be able to get done in a day.
About not producing enough breast milk or drinking too much wine.
About not losing enough weight fast enough.
not saving enough money.
spending too much money.
not waking up early enough.
not going to bed early enough.
I have anxieties about bad things happening to people I love - mostly, my family. everything feels more fragile now that I'm a parent. Probably because it is.
It is so easy to get bogged down in all of the things I'm not doing good enough, instead of focusing on the things I am doing well. Or to think about the areas in life where I'm doing the best I can. And why.
I am working because the money I am earning will allow us to give Liam with a life where we can provide for him.
I am also working to pay off debts so that someday soon, we can start putting money into savings for Liam instead of into credit card payments.
Although I might look forward to bedtime so I can get some things done, those 3-4 hours I am spending with Liam, I teach him, love on him, play with him and I'm all in.
I may not exercise enough, but I am exercising when I can, and that has to be enough right now.
It's natural to not want anything bad to happen to our loved ones, but worrying about things not in our control is a waste of energy. Not to mention morbid and toxic. Instead. I must be grateful, and hold every day a little closer to my heart.
I can't do everything in a day - no one can. But I do what I can.
And isn't that the most important thing? That as moms, and parents, we do the best we can?
There is just so much judgment out there in the world - so many ways to compare ourselves and so many ways we don't measure up.
We don't make enough money, live in a big enough house, take enough family vacations, eat enough healthy food, save enough money, sleep enough hours.
When is "enough" actually enough?
I allow myself moments, sometimes entire days to feel overwhelmed and consumed by these negative emotions. But before I go to bed at night, I try my damnedest to remember what is most important: I'm doing the best I can. I am enough for Liam. I am enough for my husband.
I give myself grace.
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I just feel like there are so many things to juggle right now. Everything is only getting half my effort or attention - nothing gets 100%. It's a shitty feeling.
I've made a concerted effort lately to change my perspective. To try and not be so hard on myself.
People tell me this all the time - that' I'm too hard on myself. I always have been. I'm that girl who brings herself down with more negative thoughts than I'd ever admit to anyone who asked.
Nothing I do is good enough. I don't exercise enough. I am too forgetful. I am so clumsy. I am too this, too that, not enough this and definitely not enough that.
Now, as a mom, those "flaws" morph into anxiety or worse, guilt.
Over having to go to work every day and leave Liam with a nanny.
About not yet having started a college savings account for him.
About looking forward to bedtime some nights, even though I've only spent a total of 3 hours with him that day.
Still about not exercising enough.
About not being able to get done all the things I used to be able to get done in a day.
About not producing enough breast milk or drinking too much wine.
About not losing enough weight fast enough.
not saving enough money.
spending too much money.
not waking up early enough.
not going to bed early enough.
I have anxieties about bad things happening to people I love - mostly, my family. everything feels more fragile now that I'm a parent. Probably because it is.
It is so easy to get bogged down in all of the things I'm not doing good enough, instead of focusing on the things I am doing well. Or to think about the areas in life where I'm doing the best I can. And why.
I am working because the money I am earning will allow us to give Liam with a life where we can provide for him.
I am also working to pay off debts so that someday soon, we can start putting money into savings for Liam instead of into credit card payments.
Although I might look forward to bedtime so I can get some things done, those 3-4 hours I am spending with Liam, I teach him, love on him, play with him and I'm all in.
I may not exercise enough, but I am exercising when I can, and that has to be enough right now.
It's natural to not want anything bad to happen to our loved ones, but worrying about things not in our control is a waste of energy. Not to mention morbid and toxic. Instead. I must be grateful, and hold every day a little closer to my heart.
I can't do everything in a day - no one can. But I do what I can.
And isn't that the most important thing? That as moms, and parents, we do the best we can?
There is just so much judgment out there in the world - so many ways to compare ourselves and so many ways we don't measure up.
We don't make enough money, live in a big enough house, take enough family vacations, eat enough healthy food, save enough money, sleep enough hours.
When is "enough" actually enough?
I allow myself moments, sometimes entire days to feel overwhelmed and consumed by these negative emotions. But before I go to bed at night, I try my damnedest to remember what is most important: I'm doing the best I can. I am enough for Liam. I am enough for my husband.
I give myself grace.
