When Your Inner Voice Isn't Nice.

I've had this post written for a while now, and have been too scared to hit publish. It's one of those posts that puts a knot in my stomach and makes me not want to make eye contact with people whom I know have read it.

But, these kinds of posts, while hard to write and harder to publish, are usually the ones that someone else needs to hear as much I need to write it.

In the past year, I've been working hard on self-development, specifically my mindset. Of all the books, podcasts and speakers I've read, listened to and seen, Rachel Hollis has resonated with me most. Specifically, "Girl, Wash Your Face," and "Girl, Stop Apologizing."

Rachel's belief is simple: You are the only one in control of your life. Stop breaking promises to yourself. Stop lying to yourself. Stop living your life for other people.

Easier said than done.

I've been able to take some of her advice and heed it easily. I try really hard not to break promises to myself. I am much better about not giving a shit about other people's opinions of me or what I do. I practice gratitude. I set goals and am focused on them. I'm drinking the fucking water.

And yet. There is one area where I continue to fail. Every single day.

"Be careful with the way you speak to YOURSELF... the words and phrases we use with ourselves become the soundtrack playing in the background of every moment of our lives and there's not a single thought—good or bad—that you don't allow to be there." —Rachel Hollis

Inside my head is not a nice place to be. The way I speak to myself is not kind. My inner voice, my constant companion, the "person" I talk to the most, is kind of an asshole.

I call myself fat almost every day.
I don't look in the mirror when I get in and out of the shower.
When my husband reaches out to hug me, my reaction is to move away because I'm afraid of what he feels when he puts his arms around me.
I tell myself I am lazy when I don't work out.
I lament over the things I didn't do in a day, instead of focusing on what I did do.
I agonize over the choices I made that day, for my kids and myself.
I shame myself for nearly everything. Too much time spent here. Not enough there. Too slow. Too fast. Not enough patience. Don't be a pushover. Did I smile enough?
I second-guess my own intelligence.
I wonder if I'm smart as I'm told I am, or as I know I am, or if I'm an imposter.
I call myself stupid.

"You are not stupid, so stop telling yourself that you are. You are not ugly, so stop thinking it—even occasionally—when you look in the mirror. You are not a b*tch, even if you sometimes do b*tchy things. You are not ignorant or mean or unlovable or unworthy or falling short or any of the other stupid crap running through your mind."—Rachel Hollis⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

A lot of people tell me they admire my confidence. And while I am confident about a lot of things, there are many moments where I'm the most insecure person in the room. Fake it til you make it?

I would never speak to a friend the way I speak to myself. Never. And likewise, if anyone spoke to me, the way I speak to myself, I'd run away crying and/or kick their ass.

The truth in that hypothetical gives me a good idea about how much my mind needs softening up. Because how can my mind be settled and calm when I'm constantly so hard on myself? How can I expect anything other than discontent when I talk to myself harshly?

Now, don't get me wrong. It's not like I walk around all day just berating myself. I definitely have days where I feel good, about anything or everything, and that's the soundtrack I dance to. I've just noticed that lately, for whatever reason, I've been a lot harder on myself, and my first reaction is not to cut myself any slack or give myself grace.

I put so much pressure on myself, and that's not the example I want to set for my boys, or what I want to teach them, and it's not the way I want to "be" in general. The good news is, it's a learned behavior, and I am the only one in control of it. And I can control it since I'm aware it's an issue.

I didn't write this for sympathy or fishing for compliments. Please don't tell I'm not ugly, or stupid or fat. Just because you say it, doesn't mean it's true. And no matter how much I may be able to recognize a nugget of truth in those statements, it doesn't just mean I can believe it myself. It takes time. 

So I just needed to put this out there. To tell myself, and to tell every person reading this who feels the same, or is hard on themselves like I am: Pay attention to negative inner-chatter, and let's work on shutting it down.

Someone I follow on Instagram wrote something so profound the other day that I'm compelled to share:

What will it take for us to understand? ⁣⁣⁣⁣How many moments we’ve missed. ⁣⁣How many tears we’ve shed. ⁣⁣All the intimacies we’ve denied. ⁣⁣⁣⁣What will it take??⁣⁣And when will we see? ⁣⁣⁣⁣That we cannot hate ourselves happy. ⁣⁣⁣And how truly destructive we’ve been. ⁣⁣⁣We are wasting precious time, energy, money and power to trying. ⁣⁣⁣⁣I mean PRECIOUS. ⁣⁣Fleeting. ⁣⁣Undetermined... ⁣⁣Time. ⁣⁣⁣So know, no matter what you feel about your body right now, these things will never change:⁣⁣1. You deserve to eat food. ⁣⁣2. You deserve to make memories.⁣⁣3. You deserve to be loved.⁣⁣4. You deserve to be in that room.⁣5. You deserve everything that is good in this world and in this life and your body is not a prerequisite for any of it. ⁣⁣⁣⁣And I really hope we understand. ⁣⁣Before we miss it all. ⁣⁣Lost to the hate. ⁣⁣We were never meant to hold. ⁣

I have come a long way in self-development, but I'm a work in progress. There is no happy ending to this post, except to say that every day, I'm working being kinder to myself. I'm going to try harder. I hope you do, too.

"...So every time you find yourself thinking something negative... stop yourself, drop the hateful litany, shut 'em down...then replace them with good stuff. If you do it enough the good stuff replaces the bad and when that happens everything in your life changes immeasurably."—Rachel Hollis

Big love. Lost to the hate. 

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Playing catch-up 👀

Well, it’s October, and I feel like I can finally breathe again after a crazy summer.

We have been busy traveling, for one. We went to Michigan and Seattle at the beginning of September for family trips. Then I went to Nashville for our annual Rodan + Fields Convention. And while I was there, Bryan found out he won tickets to SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE through their lottery, and the tickets were for MY BIRTHDAY, so you bet your ass that we flew to New York to see that! (Whole separate post coming about that because it was just...incredible.) Then last weekend was Connor’s SECOND BIRTHDAY (hey, make sure to read the update on the first three months of his life, since that’s as far as I got in the past 24 months 😂.) And now we’re HERE! Beginning, almost mid-freaking October somehow.

Also in September, I started a new job. I began my job hunt at the end of July, and wouldn’t you know, at the beginning of August, I was let go from my job. I worked at my last agency for almost 4 years. I sensed something was going on and definitely felt like layoffs were probably on the horizon (hence part of the reason I had started looking around). While I thought I could potentially be affected by such an event due to the team I was on and the position I held, there is always that part of you that thinks, "No way. I'm way too valuable..."

Needless to say, when it happened, I was shocked that it was actually happening, but also not really. And no matter how "prepared" you are for a layoff, I don't think anyone can actually be prepared. This is the second time in my career that my job has been affected by a layoff/restructure, and the 4th time I've experienced on at my organization. Each time has been harder than that last.

Aside from the ego blow, the hardest part for me is leaving my co-workers. At every job, I’ve been so fortunate to work with such awesome people, and I’ve collected small groups of best friends at each company. Blue Chip was no different, and actually, many of co-workers from previous jobs all came to work at Blue Chip, so I got the awesome chance to work with them again! The people were what kept me there for so long, and I hated saying goodbye.

In any case - I have a new job at a new agency, that is focused not only on digital products, but also on CONTENT, which as you know, is what I do and love. So far, I’m really enjoying it, although it sucks to be the new girl and I’m ready to make some friends.

And you know, there are worse times to be laid off than summer! I was able to have about 6 weeks off, which, when you think about how long it takes to find work, is actually a pretty quick turnaround!

In the first few weeks, I was heads down applying for jobs. Everyone kept telling me to "enjoy" my time off, and I tried, but at the beginning, I was just super anxious about money and what would happen after my severance ran out. I felt guilty if I didn't spend all day most days applying for work or connecting with people. Eventually, I was able to add in some activities and once I started getting some interviews, it was much easier to relax. I made a "bucket list" and was able to do almost everything on it! I went on a field trip with Liam and we had a "date day" where I picked him up from school early and we went bowling and saw a movie. I went to movies by myself. Bryan and I went to a Cubs game. I got a lot of house projects done. I had lunch and happy hours with friends I hadn't seen in awhile. I went to Target. ALONE. I saw all my doctors (dentists, eye, derm, etc). So it was actually a great period to refresh and recharge, and honestly, I could have done about 4 more weeks, lol. The ONE thing on my bucket list I didn't do is migrate this blog to a different platform, but my goal for that is by the end of the year. It just involves deleting a bunch of old content that's stupid.

Anyhoo—just wanted to catch up quickly. I owe a post about Saturday Night Life and have a couple of other things heavy on my heart to talk through at some point, too.

Before I go, I also wanted to say that I so appreciate all of the love and support I got from ya'll on my last blog post. I can't tell you how humbling and heartwarming it is to hear you all tell me that you love my writing, even if what I'm saying is not that important. So thank you.

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Breaking the Silence

In this moment, I'm sitting on my porch, and it's quiet. It's Tuesday night, the sun has set, a candle is burning, my tiki lights are on, and it's quiet. It's July, but it's a cool, perfect, 69 degrees outside. I'm wearing a cozy sweatshirt, my cozy slippers, and drinking a glass of wine. It's quiet.

My oldest loves are downstairs or in bed. My littlest love has been sleeping since our evening dance party ended two hours ago. The kitchen is cleaned up. Lunch prepped for tomorrow. Laundry still needs folding. Work emails to be answered. But here I sit. Just me. In the quiet.

Quiet, you see, is not something I come by easily. Even when the sounds around me are still, the noise in my head is louder than any child ever could be. Always thinking of the next to-do, setting mental reminders to call my parents, sisters and friends; to wish so-and-so a happy birthday, don't forget to text my R+F customer, and holy shit, can you just start working out already? It's exhausting, really.

I spoke today to a group of bright-eyed interns about what I do in my job, and how I got to this point in my career. I was asked to talk about my career path and my passions. Of course, I proclaimed that writing is my passion. I quickly moved on, on to my next point, but I must have lingered long enough because when it was time for Q&A, the first question asked was, "Do you miss writing?"

Of course, I said, but it's OK because I have a blog as a creative outlet...so even though I don't get to do as much writing at work as I wish I could, I'll always have that.

Next question: What's your blog, and what do you write about?

Pause. (Why are these kids so interested in my blog?!)

I tell them the name of my blog, talk about its evolution from shitty weird thing where I had nothing to talk about and how it's cringe-inducing to go back and read most of that stuff. Then I talked about how it's now a lifestyle/mommy long and bored them with why I found it important to talk about the 'real' side of parenting and pregnancy and marriage, for example. (What's that, 22 year olds? You don't care? Sorry, I'll move on.) To recover, I threw out that I also blog about the Bachelor and Bachelorette, and that got a reaction. Back in their good graces.

As I was driving home, I got to thinking about how much I felt like a...phony, maybe? Why did I even mention my blog, I thought? It's not like I'm updating it! I'm not even blogging about the Bachelorette (even though it's the best season, ever!! Where my Tyler C. fans at?) I felt stupid for mentioning it, thinking about any one of them googling, "Raves and Revelations," and coming here to see that my last publish date was...

February 2018?!?! But...that's A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. Like...what? I mean, life has been busy but no one, certainly not me, is THAT BUSY.

So here I sit. I have a million other things I think I should be doing, but I couldn't resist the quiet, or my pineapple lights, the cool air, or the feeling that I want to sit down and write. Something I haven't felt in a long time.

Honestly, I think what's happened is that, as I often do, I put too much pressure on myself. Nothing new, either...typical feelings, like fear to write openly about how I feel about x, y or z; is this blog worthy? or will anyone care? Things like that.

But here's the good news: In the past 1.5 years since I've written a word that I feel "worthy" of publishing, I've hitched a ride to the self-development train. I've learned a lot about fears and feeling inadequate and holding yourself back, and why that is no way to live your life (thank you, Rachel Hollis).

So, I hope this is the first post of many more to come, on a much more regular basis, and without so much worry and thought devoted to if whatever I want to talk about is right or wrong, or if anyone gives a shit, or if there is a typo.

But if its not, and these are the last words I write for another 1.5 years, know that tonight, I came here and during the mere 30 minutes it took me to write down these thoughts, I was surrounded by things I love, like candles, lights, wine, sweatshirts, summer nights and motivation. It was quiet.

And I broke the silence.

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