Taco Spas & Poopy Flaws

Hey, Bachelor, can we be done with the annoying "cliffhangers" that don't actually end in anything exciting happening ? K thanks bye!

We start this week with Vanessa confronting Nick about if he wants a fuck buddy or a wife (valid), the girls threatening to go home if Corinne stays, and...Corrine is napping.

Nick responds to Vanessa's bad-assness by pulling a classic Bachelor move and assuring Vanessa he respects her concerns because he's been in her position. So...in other words, "Let's talk about great you are, and continue to avoid talking about how I'm a man whore."

Sarah and Taylor wake Corrine up from her cheesy pasta dreams to tell her that Bouncy House Gate 2016 makes her come off as "entitled." Which, of course, Corrine—a gorgeous, rich, white, blonde 24-year old with a nanny—insists she is not. Maybe I'm feeling a little sensitive from all craziness flying around the Internet about #notmymarch or what have you. But Corinne, girl...YOU'RE the definition of ENTITLED.

Rose ceremony time, and roses go to Raven, Taylor, Whitney (???), Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid (????), Danielle M., Jaimi (????), Josphine (????), Sarah (???) and … Corinne. Of course, Corrine gets the "punishment" rose. You know the one...the one that is supposed to warn the girl that she's skating on thin ice, and that makes all the other girls with roses seethe and makes the ones who didn't get roses cry, because...if Nick could like HER more than ME, than I don't know what he's looking for! And of course, none of the girls who threatened to leave, do.

The next morning, Chris tells the girls that the time has come...they're finally going to travel the world with Nick! Their first worldly adventure? MILWAUKEE. wamp wamp. I love seeing the girls' reactions when they get stuck with a low-budget destination. I wonder how many takes they had to do before the girls actually seemed excited? (I can say these things. I was born in Wisconsin.)

Nick meets up with his parents, who basically tell him that this better be the last fucking time they have to show up on national TV to humiliate their family and exploit their 11-year-old daughter while he gets laid and plays Prince Charming.

Nick welcomes the ladies to his hometown and whisks Danielle L. away for a one-on-one. Said date basically consisted of Nick walking her around town showing her all the places he's made out with people before they totally casually ran into one of his exes! (Who just happened to be sitting in the window and happened to be wearing a microphone.)  She tells Danielle to be careful because if Nick doesn't feel it, he's out. At first I was like, why would Danielle listen to someone who only dated Nick for 3 months? Then I realized that if Danielle ends up with a ring on her finger at the end, she will have "dated" him less time than that, so...there's that.

Night portion of the date is depressing while Nick and Danielle talk about divorce and her hesitation of getting married. (Not sure that's the right card to play on a dating show that ideally ends in engagement?)

Also...who is Chris Lang (Lane?), and why was he on Nick's bucket list? Also, kudos to poor Danielle, who had to endure "the time of her life" awkwardly dancing in front of a crowd not once, but TWICE? She probably got a rose for that, alone. I'm almost willing to guarantee that she's in the final two, despite how much this date sucked.



Next is a group date where everyone except Danielle L and Raven go to a dairy farm, and it was quite literally a shit show. They feed some baby cows, shovel some "poopy" and milk some mama cows. Watching Nick handle that cow's teets was, like Jaimi said...pretty disappointing. Jaimi seemed to know her way around the nipple though, and I think that was ABC's attempt at a bisexual joke?

In any case, everyone partakes in these activities, except of course...Corrine. She had a "hand situation," which we later learn is a V SERIOUS issue and she almost had to go to the hospital for it. Wait what? Is this a condition we haven't heard about or is this typical Corrine who really just doesn't want to get cow shit on her designer shoes? I mean she wouldn't even make Raquel do farm chores. She'll make her literally do all other chores, but NOT farm chores.

Corrine lives in a warped version of reality. Farm chores are not the same as regular chores. Cheesy pasta is not the same as mac 'n cheese. Choreography is not the same as planned dancing.

So, let's pause and talk about Corrine as a "villain." Is she dumb? Yes. Entitled? Yes. Lacks self-awareness? 110%. Thinks she needs to exploit her sexuality to get a man? Clearly. But...what has she done, really, other than pass out cuz she's drunk all the time, act out producer-led stunts, not really give a shit and steal Nick multiple times in an evening?

Don't get me wrong - I don't LIKE Corrine, but we can't disagree that this season would be BORING if she wasn't here. We also can't deny that for some reason...Nick likes her.

And later, in the evening part of the date, Corrine tries to "confront" the girls and tells them if they have a problem, to bring it to her directly, and apologizes for taking naps in the most #sorrynotsorry way. The girls question how badly she really wants Nick given that she wouldn't LITERALLY shovel shit for him. Corrine immeds starts using her "serious hand situation" as an excuse for her lack of participation. Stop trying to give Nick so many handys, Corrine, and you might be able to shovel some more poopy.

And not to seem like I'm taking Corrine's side, but the girls' arguments of "We're worried you're not mature enough to marry a 36-year-old man" are NOT an argument! Especially coming from another 24-year-old. Like, why do you care? Same with her napping.  If anything, that works in favor of the other girls. I'm just saying, if Corrine asked me what my problem was with her, I'd bring up the stealing time, the bouncy house, the whip cream, or the fact that she's hammered all the time...actual rose-world problems.

This is also a good time to talk about all of the Corrine-isms this episode...

"Oh my god. Sorry guys, I napped. Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. I took a nap." 

"I don't want to be on this group date. I want to be in a spa, being fed a nice taco. Preferably... chicken."

"I respect you for shoveling the poopy. I do. I really, really do. It takes a lot of courage, and a really blind sense of smell, to shovel that poopy. But I had a really serious hand situation, and I just couldn't shovel that poop."

"I'm a corn husk; you gotta pull all the layers back. And in the middle is this luxury, yellow corn. With all these pellets of information. And it's juicy, and buttery. You want to get to that corn."

"Taylor is like fake and nasty. So tonight I'm going to go punch her in the face."

Raven got the one-on-one date, and got to spend the day with Nick's family. Interesting choice to have Raven meet the parents. She hasn't been a standout to me at this point, but after this date, I enjoyed her. Her story about her cheating boyfriend? Amazing. But, it was super awkward when Nick's dad wouldn't stop staring at her and she wouldn't make eye contact.

Also super awkward, aside from the whole roller skating thing? How when Raven was talking about her ex situation, Nick kept grinning and looking off to the side and asking things like, "and then what?" It felt so off to me, like he was looking at a producer who was nodding in the background or something. Raven didn't notice...she got the rose.

Time for another cocktail party and another cliffhanger. This time, everyone gets mad at Danielle L for stealing Nick right away because she already has a rose. And by everyone, I mean Taylor.

So, I thought I liked Taylor. But after her choice in attire when having a 1-1 chat with Danielle M in the bathtub (why are you wearing a bikini soaking your feet in a bathtub?), my doubts started creeping in.

After stuffing her face with pigs in a blanket and champagne, Corrine decides tonight is the night she's going tell Taylor what she really thinks of her - which is that she's a "fake ass bitch." Who says that anymore? Taylor decides to psychoanalyzes Corrine instead of telling her all the real reasons she really sucks, and I have to say, I might be on Corinne's side in all of this. I think we'll find out next week when Taylor and Corrine go on a two-on-one date. I mean, they have to, right? We'll find out next week because Taylor literally. can't. even.

My top four remains:

4. Rachel
3. Corrine
2. Vanessa
1. Danielle L.

PS - we need more of Alexis than these clips at the end!

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The Nanny Diaries

Well, if it wasn't clear before, it's clear now: Corinne is this season's MVP. Clearly, she's the villain this season (especially now that Liz is gone), and for good reason. One minute she's a cunning, horny, manipulative, assertive vixen and the next she's an overgrown woman-child who can't survive without nap time and her nanny.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

We left off last week with Nick having confirmed with the ladies that he's a man whore and an annoying To Be Continued... The consensus? No one cared. Cool cliffhanger.

Cocktail hour commences and Corrine attempts to reenact Varsity Blues. When flashing Nick her nipple and allowing him to lick Reddi Whip off her tits doesn't result in on-camera fornication as planned, Corrine runs upstairs crying, decides it's all too much, and literally goes to bed while the rest of the ladies act like they give a fuck.

Rose Ceremony time (carried over from last week). Nobody worth mentioning goes home.

Next morning, a group date card arrives—and so do The Backstreet Boys. I was a little taken aback by the girls' reaction to these guys. I mean, sure, it's The Backstreet Boys, but consider this: 1) One of these guys was born in effing 1971, which means is he 46 years old. That's old enough to be some of these girls' dad. In addition, some of these girls were literally born when The Backstreet Boys were just getting started. In any case, "Backstreet's back" and this time, the ladies and Nick will be joining them for a performance THAT NIGHT.

Corrine isn't good at "planned dancing"... (wait, isn't there a word for that? Like choreography?) and again starts crying because this means her future marriage to Nick is down the drain. As is Jasmine's career as a professional dancer, given that she doesn't win the date. Instead, Backstreet chooses Danielle L., a nail salon owner, as the official "winner" of the performance. She "wins" a slow dance, junior high style, in front of everyone to "I Want It That Way." Kill me.

Night portion of the date can be summarized as follows: Corrine makes sure to "Make Corrine Great Again," takes another nap in some random room, then shares that she misses Raquel. Her nanny.

That's right. This 24-year-old grown ass woman has a nanny. Does she have kids? Nope. What she does have is millions of dollars to burn, and someone whose "happiness" is defined as cutting vegetables and making cheese pasta and lemon salad for a fucking 24 year old. And who is she to deny this woman's happiness?

Jasmine's mind is blown and #imwithher.

Because what exactly IS cheese pasta? Is it like...macaroni and cheese? Is it literally pasta with cheese on top? Is it noodles with some butter and parmesan? What the hell is lemon salad? (Literally, Google 'lemon salad'. ZERO hits.)

Corrine is definitely going to be around for awhile. For sure until the top four, if you ask me. I totally get the girls' disdain for her and wondering what Nick sees in her as she compares to others, but there's just no way we won't get to meet her millionaire family or see Raquel in the flesh. She's not going to win. *Then again, we said that about Donald Trump and look where we fucking are now.* (Note: this is the second Trump likeness.)

Danielle L. gets the rose.

Vanessa gets the one-on-one this week and she and Nick went on a "vomit comet" date. In case you don't know what that means, they went in one of those zero-gravity planes. Poor Vanessa actually vomits, multiple times. I couldn't figure out why they kept flying around and pausing to puke, instead of just letting the poor girl get out? Sadly, I don't have much shit to talk about this date. I found Nick to be endearing while she was puking her brains it, albeit how disgusting it was to see them making out post-hurl with the added commentary of "still tastes fine." Vanessa is over the age of 25, seems normal and nice, and quite honestly, I don't know what she's doing here, but I like her, and so does Nick. But...what was he crying about?

The next group focuses on a track-and-field competition because when you dance with the Backstreet Boys, you have to balance that shit out with some manliness (or something). The only things I remember are as follows: 

1) Astrid's boobs were out of control. 

2) How fucking gross are you to get in a hot tub WITH your workout clothes AND a hot guy, 

3) Why does Dominique think that hating on Nick for not being a mindreader would be a good move? Bye... and

4) I wish I could walk over and pull Alexis' head up from where it always sits, which is nestled deep within her should blades. Chick has TERRIBLE posture. Also, stop trying to make "bitches" happen. Jesse Pinkman cornered that market.

At the POOL PARTY (instead of cocktail party), Corrine is back with a "sneaky surprise" for Nick. Although, is there anything LESS sneaky or surprising than a huge pink and purple bouncy house in the front lawn?! For the second time today, she tries to fornicate with Nick, this time while the girls look on. Nick claims the reason he likes it is because it's "fun" and you need to have "fun" when you settle down with someone for life. Last time I checked, dry humping is not fun.

After Nick jizzes in his swimsuit and Corrine goes upstairs for yet another snooze. (Sidenote: are her naps really naps? Or is she passing out? She's been hammered pretty much every night so far.) The girls all question Nick and his intention's with Corrine. We all know how well it usually goes when girls talk about other girls, but I, for one, loved it when Vanessa turned the tables on Nick, and said she didn't care about Corrine, she cared about Nick. AND that if he was looking for someone to fuck around with, he could take his rose back. DAMN. I knew I liked this girl!

Another "cliffhanger" this week, but here's where I'm at with my current rankings:

Top 4:
4 Rachel/Taylor
3. Corrine
2. Vanessa
1. Danielle L.

What were your thoughts/reactions?

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Janet Jackson Revival + Tales from Jade + Tanner's Wedding

It's a new year, which can only mean one thing—more blogs from me. And not just any blogs—Bachelor blogs! I have no idea why everyone loves my Bachelor recaps so much, but it makes me feel wanted, so I'm rollin' with it.

Let me start with my thoughts about Nick Viall as The Bachelor. I, like the rest of America (and the man himself), was ready to see Luke as The Bachelor. But now that Nick is here, I have to say...I don't hate it. He's managed to not only make himself much more physically attractive over the years, but he kind of redeemed himself for me on Bachelor in Paradise. That said, I feel like this particular relationship has was too much pressure on it to succeed, but who knows.

We're in Week 2, after meeting the ladies last week. At first, I felt like the group was mediocre, but then we got to meet Corrine. And Liz. And a dolphin shark. And a chick with balls. And That's So Raven. And Taylor, the mental health counselor hired by ABC to pose as a contestant.

And then I realized that I was wrong. So wrong. This is the most powerful group of ladies we've seen (we know Nick likes a strong woman), which is a recipe for disaster, which is a recipe for amazing TV.

Week 2 opens with the girls drinking mimosas in their rompers, talking about how hot Nick is, when Chris Harrison waltzes in for one of his 10 appearances all season to advise the girls to "make the most of their time with Nick" (aka be a super catty bitch and take no prisoners), and deliver the first date card. The first group date is Corinne, Haley, the dolphin-shark, Sarah, Vanessa, Brittany, Lacey, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor, and Elizabeth. We're still at the point where I usually don't really know one of these bitches from the next, but this group is the power pack. In other words, the winner and probably top 3 are all in this group, so I had high hopes for this date.

I was not disappointed.

The girls find 4 sober girls to drive everyone to their "Always a Bridesmaid" date, which provokes several of the girls to admit that they've never been a bridesmaid before. Well, you're 23, so not only should you not have yet been a bridesmaid, you should absolutely NOT be a bride.

A v classy/weird porn star/photographer star named Franco someone handed out different dresses to the girls with the direction that they would take wedding photos with Nick...80s bride...shotgun bride...beach bride, etc. The "winner" would be chosen by Franco. Prize TBD.

Corrine is upset that she has to wear only a bikini top instead of just being allowed to wear a leaf, like Brittany, while Alexis is shocked to learn that a shotgun wedding does not mean posing sexy with guns.

Corrine is comin' in hot as America's Top Villain, I can tell you that. I can't tell yet if I love her, or I hate her. I mean, obvi we hate her because she's a bit too aggressive, while also being beautiful and a millionaire...but we also have to love her because A) she's hammered 24/7 B) she's so drama and makes great TV.  I think Nick is into her not because she's hot and begs him to hold her "bare bosom," but because she's like him. She doesn't give AF about anyone except herself and the end game. Again, great for us—not so much if you're a girl on this season.

I digress. The girls all take their photos with Nick, including, but not limited to Nick pretending to deliver Alexis' baby and seeing Nick's leaf-colored penis. And yes, Corrine not standing for the fact that Brittany looks hot in just a leaf, and taking off her top and insisting Nick "pull a Janet Jackson."

“No one has ever held my boobs the way Nick has held my boobs.” {crickets}

Franco Porn Star says Corinne wins the date (criteria for winning unknown), and from what I can tell the only prize is riding off in a car? Hmmm. Everyone meets back up for the "Ooh, can I steal you?" time, and this is where things get good. 

First of all, can one of these times someone just say, "NO! You can't 'steal' him and you can't fucking 'borrow' him either!" Seriously. The girls are ticked because Corinne talks to Nick at a minimum, three times. Like I said, she doesn't give AF, but as expected, the other girls are PISSED. Mostly Taylor, our undercover mental health expert. After some nonsense conversation between those two about if everyone is OK (alert: they're both OK), Corrine gets the rose and the girls all wonder if Nick actually is as big of an asshole as the world thinks he is.

Back at the house, while Corrine recounts Nick touching her bare breasts, Liz is creepily cutting fruit while some chick is sleeping/passed out behind her, talking something about how she's had sex with Nick. Wait, Liz has had sex with Nick? At Jade and Tanner's wedding? How did I miss that? JUST KIDDING YOU'VE ONLY MENTIONED BOTH ABOUT 12,398,734 TIMES. 

I do feel KINDA bad for Liz because I have to imagine that the edit she's getting is purposefully ONLY showing her talking about fucking Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. But only KINDA cuz I think I'm on Nick's side in that if she was interested in him, there were other ways to show him that than coming on a TV show. #justsayin

OK, so Danielle M. (who?) gets the first one-on-one, which honestly was pretty boring? Aside from her story about waking about next to her dead fiance, which sounds like pretty much the worst fucking thing that could ever happen to someone, there was nothing notable here. I think she'll probably go far-ish but not to the top 4. We may see her (and Liz and Corrine and Alexis) in Paradise, though!

Group date #2 is with the B team, Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz. Their date is going to a museum of broken relationships (yes, that's a real place), where they have to act out a breakup in front of a group of people. Kill me now.

The girls breakup reasons range from "you're an alcoholic" to "you called me fat" to a slap in the face to the best breakup ever...a 3-minute dialog from Liz, where she tells the whole group what happened and I've never seen Nick more furious. Honestly though...how awkward?

Post-date cocktail hour and again...boring. Until Christen throws Liz under the bus and lets Nick know that she knows that Liz knows that she and Nick fucked. Nick asks for the details, because you know, he was blacked out and doesn't remember. When he asks Liz about the whole thing, she basically shot herself in the foot and couldn't give any good reason why she chose to come on national TV to get Nick when she could've just asked her bestie Jade for Nick's number. You got a point there, Nick. Nick send Liz home.

that about does it, kids. I'm feeling good about this season. I think the girls are feisty, strong and cutthroat so hopefully the show delivers.

My guesses right now:

1. Corinne

2. Danielle L.

3. Rachel

4. Taylor

5. Vanessa

I think Danielle L. is amazing and has a good shot at winning the thing.

Thoughts? Reactions? Happy watching!

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